Uncle O

So glad my uncle called. I feel convicted and like I want to cry. Maybe bc he expects so much and yet I know my life. I feel I shud be left alone on the side yet he finds time to care at the moment in my life. I know in the past he has cared but it’s been a while. So seeing him like this is really new. Then my mind goes back and I wonder what did my mom tell him on that trip to Bahamas? Mmm. I know she told him that I need a shrink, that I need therapy. But what else did she tell him? Bc this don’t look like therapy. This looks like just helping out w my career. I don’t mind it but I just wonder if there’s more to it? Will things come up later?
I’ve never really had someone care for me in a while too, so my alarms go off when I see anyone trying to care. I’m like,” why are they caring?, what’s up their sleeves?, do they look down on me ? Am I being compared to the others? I must look really bad to him!” Ahhhhhhh!!!
All these thoughts and yet I can just remember his sweet calm tone and genuineness. I almost wanna spill it all out to him as I hear him pray and hear his concern. Not to disrupt him but to really ask for help. I don’t think ppl know what’s going on. I feel so razzled and not able to think right. I can’t even settle down to think ab my life. I use to think ab my life but nowadays I don’t.i do tho. It’s not like I don’t care but that my obstacles overwhelm me. The fact that my loans are all screwed up and that I can’t go into college, stops me dead in my tracks. I hurt so much over it!!!! I don’t know what to do or where to go!! At the beginning of the year I tried to call up a couple of places but then got overwhelmed after a while bc It was like they were sending me in circles. Gosh!! Come on I know I can do this, but the drive ain’t there everyday! What is really up?!!
My uncle wants me to do better and I wud do it to make him proud. It’s funny I’ve been wanting Gods help and here it is. It didn’t come thru my friends like this, but it came thru my uncle calling, picking up the lovely telephone and Calling me, talking to me, praying for me!!! That’s all I want!!!
I didn’t get it fr my Christian friends but I got it fr a distant uncle who’s got God inside of him.
If that’s the only thing that goes great today! I’m glad!
I remember he said, there has to be a fire in you that drives u to do Gods will. Is ur will in it? Do u want to do this? Do u need my help? Don’t lag! Have a timeline! Ugh! Powerful stuff! Yet it’s how I live my life! Lagging, down, discouraged, can’t make it, the I can’t, I can’t , I can’t, and maybe that’s y my life is like this? Idk . I don’t wanna make it a stereotype bc things wud prob be different if I had a job and a place and nobody really knew how I was doing.
It wud be, wudnt it be diff if I had a steady job for all these years, no lack, not asking nothing fr nobody, got my own car and doing well in my own place, wud ppl be helping me like this? Or wud they think it’s all cool bc I’m working and living on my own? Wud it be different? Wud they be able to see his big wound in me? Wud they see that I can’t make it? Wud they see I needed help!? No I don’t think they wud. Tho maybe my profession wud get them talking bc it wudnt be a good profession. It wud just be a get me by profession. Dang it!
Well if so, y don’t they bug my brother? He’s out on his own, but don’t got a good career! Y don’t they bug him? Maybe bc he’s made himself isolated or maybe bc he blames too much things. Idk.
I’ll have to take it for what it is. He’s talking to me at this time in my life. Maybe I put myself here and I deserve it or idk. It is what it is and I gotta see good in it and I gotta see God in it.
This is how it’s rolling and I need to suck up all the good coming my way bc it seems scarce nowadays among the turmoil, fuss n fighting here.
Open a way God. Teach me where to go. Help me pls. I need a way out. I need clarity. Give me wisdom God!!!! Yes! Wisdom lord! Give me more and more wisdom.!!!!

if I was honest w u, id tell u

For d
if I was honest w u, id tell u I cant make it.
if I was honest w u, id tell u I want sex all the time.
if I was honest w u, id tell u idk how im going to survive. idk why I cant get a job. idk how well ill do on my own.
if I was honest w u, id tell u im bored to death with being here at “home”
if I was honest w u, id tell u I still have issues w my step dad. I still don’t like him talking to me hard. I don’t even think I respect him yet I show respect.
if I was honest w u, id tell u I still love j. I don’t know how to get over her. I want her back so badly.
if I was honest w u, id tell u that I fantasize and watch porn and masturbate and think of her.
if I was honest w u, id tell u that killing myself doesn’t even seem appealing anymore bc my life is that pathetic.
if I was honest w u, id tell u that im a sex addict and a people addict.
if I was honest w u, id tell u that I need help bc I don’t wanna get use to this again. I didn’t wanna go back to it, yet here I am again. I don’t wanna tho bc I see myself doing other crazy stuff that I might get hooked to and burned by.
if I was honest w u, id tell u that I need your help so badly and that I cant make it.
if I was honest w u, id tell u that I don’t know how to do this God thing right!
if I was honest w u, id tell u that I am dying.
but then again, im not completely honest w you.

if I was honest w u, id tell u that I hate myself a lot.
if I was honest w u, id tell u that Idk where to start.
if I was honest w u, id tell u that my credits all jacked up and I cant start school.
if I was honest w u, id tell u that im bored outta my mind so much that its literally driving me crazy.
if I was honest w u, id tell u that everyone in this house disrespects me and DOES NOT take me seriously.
if I was honest w u, id tell u that I never wanted to come back here to stay. I feel so boxed in and lost.
if I was honest w u, id tell u that I stopped listening to those cds bc I cant take it anymore.
if I was honest w u, id tell u that I cried a lot in January bc I missed j.
if I was honest w u, id tell u that I still cry bc im in pain of losing her and our friendship.
if I was honest w u, id tell u that I need u to keep me accountable like never before.
But do u know what accountability is? truly? keep me accountable bc Ill fail by myself!!!!!!!
if I was honest w u, id tell u that I wanted to stop complete communication w u bc I was hurt and bc I want no one to care.
if I was honest w u, id tell u that im dying in every way. im losing myself spiritually, physically and emotionally. I am not participating in nothing in life.
if I was honest w u, id tell u that I wished my life was different.
if I was honest w u, id tell u that’s one of things that get me down and depressed the most.
if I was honest w u, id tell u that I hate to sleep and go to bed bc my temptations are so great.
if I was honest w u, id tell u that I listen to soo much sermons and yet still I am mess.
if I was honest w u, id tell u that im so close to giving up but idk what id be giving it all up for. im just tired of meee. not God. meeeeeee!!!! tired of mee!!! of never being able to change! of not getting it right!!! of looking like a scum bag to all my family bc im not working. for being back here at my parents’ house. why couldn’t I get it when I was younger? y is my life like this? Y didn’t I make a better choice??!! I am sooo mad at myself!!! SO MF MAD!!!!

if I was honest w u, id tell u that sex doesn’t even satisfy when its done. idk y I run to it if I know this!!!!
if I was honest w u, id tell u that I don’t wanna do it when its all over and done with.
if I was honest w u, id tell u that I really don’t even initially wanna do it. im just a coward and get lead astray at times. I hate myself for this!
if I was honest w u, id tell u that I don’t wanna break anyones hearts yet I fool around w ppl a little.
if I was honest w u, id tell u that im in danger. can u pull me out?
if I was honest w u, id tell u that ive scowered youtube looking for sermons on sexual addiction only to find none really.
if I was honest w u, id tell u idk if deliverance would help bc my mind is so jacked up and I fear what would happen when im all alone at nights or mornings. I don’t trust myself at all!!!! ive proven that over and over! aint no way I can make it. I need ur help. idk what else to do. as ive said ive been involved w this world for 25 years straight!!!! one way or the other!!! how do I finally break free? will I break free? will I make it?
How do I lessen my sexual desire? why do I want it so much? Why cant I get my head straight? What has gone wrong!!!

if I was honest w u, id tell u that I don’t think u think this is a big deal when it actually is!
if I was honest w u, id tell u that I don’t think u will ever understand what im going thru.
if I was honest w u, id tell u that I don’t think u will do what I want of u.
if I was honest w u, id tell u that I need u more than u know.

if I was honest w u, id tell u that I don’t think u think I mean it. u think im all a joke. u think im playing around bc that’s what it looks like when im not. I need help so bad. but u will remain to see me as u do.
if I was honest w u, id tell u that I cant make it; that im dying and not doing well. im not talking about suicide, im talking about death in other ways.
if I was honest w u, id tell u that I wanna have lunch w u, go out on regular hang outs weekly.
if I was honest w u, id tell u that I feel so secluded here. I have no interaction w anyone.
I cant make it. I cant make it.

 

Pool ball

May 11-Had a spectacular time at the pool today on Mother’s Day! I played with my little brother and sister. The water was cool and the sun wasnt bearing down on us as it usually does. We reached the pool at around 5pm and stayed till 830pm. It went smoothly for the most part. We threw a tennis ball and leaped and laughed as we caught the ball or missed it. I had my bro on my back and played around him. He laughed. That’s what matters!!!! My little sister also had a lot of fun. She is growing up sooo much and she is so beautiful. I love them so much. Fun?!! I know I can have fun! I don’t know why I try to cover up that fact. If I laugh loud, then I laugh loud. If I have many laughs, then so be it. But I hate that I tend to hide a ill of my fun side bc of my dad or mom or friends. I needa just laugh and make jokes bc that’s what I do. I love to laugh. I know it don’t seem like that here, but I do.
What I write about here is just the hard personal times.i don’t wear it around.
But I thought that in the pool: to just be me and have fun. Have fun w friends and stop w this serious seldom meet ups w friends. Idk y they can’t have fun either?!! Did the fun get thrown out once ppl became Christians? I don’t get it. I know we gotta be serious w God and our walk but we can’t go somewhere and do things that are fun? What is up with that???!!!’
Mmmmm!!! Geez.now that makes me misssss h. Awwww!! She knew how to laugh and have fun. She knew how to laughhhh. Ahhh. I miss her! She was the perfect one except for the fact that she stopped being my friend!!!

I miss her tho I vowed in the pool to remain strong. I saw macaroni grill and thought of her. My sister returned the movie hobbit and I thought of her. I thought of me falling asleep a lot and her telling me to wake up. I miss watching movies at home with her. I miss her and I shouldn’t.

Sucks that the same thing I’m trying to avoid creeps up at me at night. I said I wasn’t gonna get down

Break to eat dinner again, pizza. And junk
12:27- and I just stopped listening to the cd, takes time and i don’t wanna always hear it. I wonder if I’m gettin better or not. The past few nights have been bad. I’ve been dreading the nights.
I can’t TAKE THESE NIGHTSSS!!! Oh my gosh!!!
Come on!
Not like I got anything or anyone. True. True. But I cud go out looking for ppl to $$&@@ u kno. Whateves!

Damn it. If I know the outcome y do I wanna touch it, right?! Yes I kno. Idk. Guess it’s like a drug that tells me to take a dabble. Sniff it. Watch it. Touch it. Feel it. Get that high. Follow dem other ppl. Fuck around and have sex, yep. That’s how it talks to me. That’s how it drags me in. I remember u know. I remember when ppl use to want me and now I got nothing. Idk y I still trip ab dem things, dky.
Maybe bc I hate dis dumb loneliness.

God and me, like this?? Idk. Idk what’s up God. Idk what to say. Idk what to give, idk y it still pops up, idk!!
I can’t keep my mind straight. Damn I’m such an idiot!!
One minute I want freedom and wanna fight and look at me nowwww!!!!! Now I wanna screw around and indulge, now tell mi what kinda ting is that???!!!
Really crazy! Reallyy

Heart forever aches

We’d may 7 I think.
I have this freaking dumb need for ppl. My life seems useless and boring if I got no one to talk to. It’s this high unquenchable desire that I cannot get rid of week In and week out this year! It is whipping my assssssss!
I can be good for a little bit of time, maybe the most a few hours w da fam, and then once back I’m having a hard time not receiving any messages fr d or j. Idk y I bother?!!!!!
They obviously gots their lives to life YET I still beg and want dem soooo badly. Soooooo badddlllyyyyy God!!!

I’m dying in this mess again, fr one mess to another. Now who do I go to w this? Who do I tell that I’m addicted to ppl? Ppl don’t take u seriously.
Look at these “friends” who dropped me back to my moms and kinda just left u to get better alone. They see it as a quick ass fix and they want u to get better yet no one wants to wipe my ass and help me when I can’t help myself, I am soooo tired of wanting d, soooo tired of loving my j bc she won’t ever love me back. I am sooo pissed off at that. I wish she loved me.
Idk how to let go God!!! I wish this was acceptable by u. Truth me a tell u. Truth me a tell u!!
I say that w tears in the humblest most respectable way. I don’t mean to go against ur laws but I love her so much.

I don’t agree w that slogan where it says it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I hate it!!! Bc now my heart rips apart as I see her, and know that she’s moved on. My heart forever aches. It can’t stop.
It might forget a few days or something, then it’s back to desiring again.
I feel a lump in my throat!
I want to ridiculously say, I want my j back. I want my j back. What happened???!( wipe eyes)
What happened? Y is she goneeee lord? ( almost ugly cry but I stopped it)

No authority cycle

May 3/ sat/?Something is frustrating me and irritating me and making me feel tingle and lil bit of shaky plus pissed off combined w giving up all rolled together in one spliff.
Pissed off at my sister for complaining ab gas when she got more money than me. I had to walk out the room bc I was getting pissed w her attitude ALLL DAY!!!

Then annoyed w what j said tho on the flip side I thought it was all cool and brave of her to step up to my face and tell me I have no authority, u have no authority. Idk I guess that was good,
Tho I got mixed emotions of frustration bc I don’t like when ppl think it’s a cut and dry answer, I believe ppl deal w mad things and various different cases for us to categorize everyone as not “doing something ab it”. I think ppl are stuck on different things. I also believe some ppl move quicker than others,
I just hate repeating myself and nobody getting it.
They only see God and dats it.
They say I’m in a cycle, I ain’t running to god! I ain’t praying! your in a cycle! things gonna be the same! your still stuck! you been saying the same thing year after. I’m tired of it.
It seems like they don’t listen to what I say then, do they think I’m just making excuses!! I DONT GET IT!!

1st just share 4/30

4/30 My (1st) “just share”? Is I get tired of writing depressing things. Tired of thinking and trying to figure things out , like what’s wrong w me, y can’t things work out, is it something that I did, will I really change? Will I meet someone to replace what I think I’ve lost?……will my heart hope again? Can things be new again? ( the oxymoron is that I don’t wanna write but then I do bc I feel if I run from talking about these things, I’ll just keep avoiding them and live in unreality and not face nothing that’s hard in life)
So continuing,,…
Tryna figure out y things are like this now? Y does it feel like more of a struggle every single day / night? Why do I crave ?When did things change? Why do I feel so alone? What’s wrong w my thoughts? When did I get here ? Am I that a bad of a person? When did all my desires change? What is wrong w me? Why can’t I let go?

And tho there are many answers to those questions, I think a main reason that it’s become like this is bc, I’m trying to stop indulging and I no longer have anyone or anything to turn to, to ease my anxiousness, loneliness, need, lust, and pain. Or just to love and escape. ((( I soooo hate talking about this topic)))), but …I’ll try.

I was thinking and started realizing that I’ve indulged in one way or the other fr like age 6 in Ja. , till now, age 31. Dang dats a long time!! That’s 25 years straight, D! No break, it was ongoing. And the only other moment I was clean and clear, without any prospective person or thing in the way, was maybe for a month in 2010. Wow that sounds horrible!! Omgosh!!!

From a youth, till young adult, to now, something sexually was involved/indulged in. Some were from others but I blame a majority of it on me. I choose. I did. I went there. I saw those things. I engaged in such and such. I can prob say 90% is my doing.

How do I erase all that? How do I not remember these things? How do I stay away for good? How do I not want anymore? Why is it that when there’s problems, frustrations, arguments, anger, that it pops up more? Y can’t I stop running to it? How do I stop being frustrated and angry?

I need to get better. I don’t think I’m better yet. I almost threw it all away this weekend. It was like something came over me all weekend. one, I was in sooooooo much pain physically. Then mentally all this stuff started affecting me outta no where. Idk how it was entering my mind. I prayed for it to stop. But as it continued, I started feeling angry, sad, and felt like going back to how I used to do things.

And it is at THIS very moment, these defining moments, where I’m supposed to stand up and do the Christian thing, that I absolutely fail in!
How do I see the power of God right in these spots? How do i or why don’t I feel His presence when it gets rough like this?

Another inconsistency, is with fearing/ or cringing to show emotions yet I am thriving off of it when problems come up. It seems this, “emotional stuff,” which I try to avoid in showing to other ppl, is the very same thing that drives and rears up and controls me during hard times. True, I know I don’t show what they are, but they are felt within me.
How is it that I hate being emotional and sharing it w ppl, yet use those same emotions to destroy myself…. Ahhhh. So I’m destroying myself? Mmmm…

Emotions such as anger, hopelessness, frustrations, feeling terribly overwhelmed, and did I say anger? Yeah. They all lead me to … Towards wanting to give up this weekend. Tho I’m used to having many of these emotions coming fr arguments with my mom and family, I was surprised that they were coming fr me alone and not them. They didn’t do nothing to affect what was going on. Idk what was up. But it wasn’t good. Idk if it was all the pain, idk.but…
It almost made me wanna give up fo real and forget ppl, forget all this God stuff, and do whatever I did before, to get thru the night, to get thru the pain, to get thru the heartache. I was soo on the edge. I feel my family saw some of it too. I was in so much pain. I felt tormented. That’s the best way to describe it. And that hasn’t happened to me in a while. It used to happen a few months back, but not of late. And when it came on, it was fierce, maddening almost. 😦

My (2nd) “just share” for the past few days? Mmmm, I wanted to share that I messed up on your “free fall” challenge like 2 times over the weekend. I felt bad I didn’t do it but then again I couldn’t. I don’t know how to put myself thru this. I get so scared and frustrated bc I don’t think I can do it.

thrown into neuro

major stuff happened over the past few days. my lil bro got admitted in the hospital, bc of headaches and dizziness. after 3 times visiting the hospy within 4 days, my mom was hard on those docs to find out what was causing these headaches, dizziness, and unstability. docs eventually said that he had a possible av fistula. i couldnt believe my ears when i heard my mom explain to me what had happened to my dearest bro. there is nobody like my lil bro in my life and to find out that he had something wrong w his brain, was unbelievable. after i spoke to my mom i started crying. i couldnt believe what was happening. when did my brother end up in the hospital? what is all of this?! my brother? NO!!!! what is an av fistula? what causes it? what in the world is happening? in one month, 2 health scares? what is happening? Type 1 Diabetes and now an av fistula? I could not believe it. 
I tried to calm myself down as i googled what an av fistula was. its an abnormal connection between an artery and a vein in the brain that can lead extra pressure into the brain or heart. An angiogram was scheduled to be performed to get a better look at the brain. Results could be that it can be ruptured, or he can have an aneurysm. Im sure there are many more results but i was already scared. 
that evening i rushed to the hospital to see my bro and i kissed him and hugged him as i saw him laying in the hospital. i couldnt believe that a 14 yr old had to go thru so much. the diabetes was enough to deal with and now this?!!! 
but he did it w swag, if i must say. 
He still had his mellow talk and tried his best to stay strong. 
My job there was to give him as much love as i could, tho he hates me being affectionate w him but i didnt care. i also joked around alot with him to make him laugh. he loved that. i spend the night w him and i didnt mind at all. i love me bro. i also made sure that i prayed w him that night altho my other didnt want to join in w us. i still prayed tho. i was scared to pray but then im glad i did pray anyway. i dont know why i feel so ashamed around them when i shouldnt be. anyways i prayed for my bro and told him to try to sleep. 
i also made sure i told d and j to pray for him. i told d first then j. (thats another story bc i found out later that j was upset that it was hard for me to tell her the fam business yet i told d) anyways i slept that night and the following day was bros surgery. 
an angiogram is seeing the brain more better by running thru a vein from the groin straight up to the brain. that alone is crazy to me. there are surely risks to that as well. and there was a possibility based on the findings fr the angiogram that the doctors would block off the av fistula then. it was all so new and scary to us all. 
we were thrown into all this medical world once again. this time felt more real to me tho. I came to respect these doctors and nurses so much more. they really do take care of us. my pet peeve is when they rush and act all dumb when i ask them qs, but i was blessed to see some spectacular doctors and nurses. they took care of my bro. 
i saw neurosurgeons, anesthesiologist, rounds by docs in the morning, various rns that cared and was nice to my bro and all of us. i am so thankful. 
So before the surgery we met w the neurosurgeon who told us that the ct scans look abnormal and that it could be an av fistula. 
anyways, results fr the angiogram, during which we walked around worried as the surgery went on for an hour or so, but we came back to the recovery room and saw our bro laying and awake. i waved and smiled as i saw him. such a trooper. he was the youngest one in that recovery room. we passed elderly people all layed up on one side. what was he doing here, i thought to myself? idk. I just walked back to him and ofcourse gave him a kiss. 
So the news was that, docs said there is NO av fistula! can u believe that? NONE!!!! God worked a miracle! 
i was ecstatic! what? no av fistula? 
the nurses and docs looked happy too. the funniest part was to see the neurosurgoen pop thru the curtain and say Good News! Everything looks fine! there is no variable malformation of anything. what? omgosh! 
As we walked back to his room, i walked ahead of my mom, who to me didnt see the miracle but went on to worry about what was really causing my bros headaches and dizziness. i walked joyfully and in shock to know that God really performed a miracle here. 
Everyone was sooo set on in being an av fistula fr the ct scans. 
OOooooo!!! God showed off that day! 
he just showed off! thats all i can say. 

She said that’s Not where my heart is

April 17- (738pm) tryna cool myself down fr getting mad bc my mom left me to go to the hospital w my bro. I can’t believe she did it. On top of that she accused me of not wanting to go and wanting to go to bible study. Can u believe that? I mean deep down, yeah I wanted to go but I didn’t mention It to her. As soon as she told me she was going to the hospital, I stopped mentioning bible study. But it seems she was simmering and ready to attack bc she did so in 1 minute and then stormed out the house. She says that’s not where my heart is. What in the world!!!!! Haha.oh gosh. I feel the old. I feel the closed up. I feel the same things I normally felt when there’s so,e big blow up w me and her. Y in the world is she making this a big deal? What was that? What just blew past me? Oh my gosh!!
I know deep down, I wasn’t pressuring her to go to bible study. I asked before I knew she was going to the hospital and quietly stopped after I found out she was going, so where does she get her assumption from?!!! And even if I was going to bible study, what is the big deal??? Is that wrong? It’s for my spiritual edification. The hospital is for my brothers help. We both getting help. But she don’t see it as that. She sees it her way and that’s that!!
Y do my eyes well w water? WHY??!!! Come on!!!!! ( as I wipe them aggressively!!!!) I ain’t crying over her!!!!! Y she actin like this? Y cause a fight over nothing??!!gosh!
Now I look like the bad guy to my lil bro n sis. Geez.
Calm down… Calm down.
So y da tears? Bc I remember my j, I immediately feel abandoned in this bc it’s like she dropped me off here and said , bye, get it together YO SELF!!!!!
(Welling up again!!!!)
Let me go!

false start

mid April and i still havent started. i mark the weeks and tell myself this is the week to start, and then i watch the weeks go by. Im probably 2 weeks late from starting. idk what to say. I have different pains feeling and i dont necessarily use it as an excuse but they do hinder me. there are some days where my lower back hurts so much. there are other days when my ankle hurts fr that sprain. other times its a headache or just my whole body not feeling well. what affects me most is my lower back tho. I dont know what it is. Im thinking its due to a cyst in my right ovary thats affecting my lower back but im not sure. I really dont want that to happen. 
I need to start exercising. i need to start eating right. i know the effects of sugar and eating junk yet im still stuck. i read and read and read and im still here. what else stands in my way? 
do i not know where to work out? yea thats apart of it too. idk what to say. 
I am just here to say that I am still not moving, and im still not eating right. I want to tho. i want to. 

Weridest thing is i have 2 motivators living w me, yet still here i am. my mother has cancer and my little brother has type 1 diabetes. i stare at these two ppl and shake me head in disbelief! i feel it for my brother bc he is so worried when his blood sugar goes down. he is just probably a month into living w diabetes and he is so scared. i watch him inject himself w insulin, count carbs, check his blood sugar, and hold his head as he gets a headache and feel dizzy. i am so sorry for him. idk what to do at times. 
it makes me so thankful for my pancreas but then i feel guilty. all in all im still thankful. 
I look at myself and think that i have it all working, why cant i do better w what i have?!!! idk why we do that. we take things for granted!!!
then my mom has been living w cancer for about 4 years now and yet still we all eat junk as to live in ignorancy! i hate myself for that! idk y i cant live what i believe! after reading all the books i have and knowing all i know, i still dont follow the right way. sometimes it has to do w the fact that i dont have money to buy my own food and im stuck to eating whatever is here. yea that is a problem. it is. 
i think i could still minimize the amount of food i eat tho. lord help me.  my right lower abdomen feels puffy and my lower back hurts! i know you hear me. i know you believe me. i ask you to heal me! 
Heal my mother as you are doing, bc she told me the doctors said that some of her tumors are shrinking and some have gone away. Thank God! i cant even believe it bc she told me that at a school even we went to. it seemed like i didnt have time to celebrate or take it in. but she did say that, right?man! we havent even talked about it. wow. i should talk to her again ab it. 
Does she know i love her? does she think i care? shes always felt like nobody cares ab her. Lord help her to feel loved by her kids. heal her heart bc she doesnt feel loved and appreaciated. God she does so much for the family. She is like a single mom and she gets no credit for it! i see her walk around with her body in pain and she continues to take care of my younger brother and sister. she doesnt stop! she cooks, does laundry, cleans, helps my sister w homework and keeps them up on their school work, and then she has the issues of the older kids on her mind. the older kids dont help her as much. she cusses us out!! i mean cuss!!!! 
she is so overwhelmed and frustrated! 
I see her. I see her. but she doesnt know. 
I see her turn to food as well. every night she takes tea and pours alot of sugar in it. she eats bread and tons of rice. i see her. Tho ive spoken to her about sugar and its relation to cancer, she still eats it. idk what else to tell her. she knows but isnt doing it. We are alike! 
then i think, shouldnt she have more drive to stop than me? she can die fr this, yet she continues as if it doesnt matter.
Now this “good” report has caused her to ignore everything ive said to her. idk whats gonna happen. 

my lil brother is sticking to his carb count and i admire his discipline. he inspires me. my wish for him is that he completely changes his diet around. he needs to eat fruits and vegetables. he hates it right now! he needs to eat it, father! teach Him! Let him change how he eats and reverse all these diseases in him. It all comes fr you. we dont rely on doctors to ease our anxiety, we rely on you. we trust on you. 

God open my eyes and bring me to action fr these ppl that i have as lessons. help me w my procrastination. let me not dishonor them by dishonoring my own body. 

I have seen the effects of food on the body! i see it! ive read it! help me to do it Lord! 
start me off somewhere. idk how to start and im afraid of what others will say and their stupid comments, but help me to do it still. 
Break my bad habits! 

Jan 28 last week tues

I feel like a fucking nuisance to ppl. I ask my sister if I can come and she answers me like she doesn’t really want me to come. Why do I ask her to bring me? Why do I give a damn?
Now I’m here frying some eggs and I don’t want it to make any cooking noise because then my mom will hear and I feel like she’s gonna use it for ammo in arguing about how I eat here and how it’s hard on everyone. I feel so embarrassed. Y am I in this?
10:28am- in da car w my sisters and I feel like a nut. I’m just going along for da ride anyhow, the ride she was hesitant to give but I’m here.break
10:58- they don’t wanna tell me that my other sister got fired, what’s the secrecy? I don’t think she cares what I say anyhow! I’m no role model no more so what’s the fear.
That reminds… I was suppose to write ab this, this no more a role model.
Yep so I ain’t one no more. From my mother told my sisters that I’m gay, I suppose, idk the exact words she used, mmm, I should ask her what she said. Did she really come right out and tell them that? Idk, anyways the result is the same, they know. I used to think they treated me differently in da beginning and I did feel that way, but now, I’m not sure. They are basically the same old sisters, who skim by me without really any depth, I guess we are like that. Full of fairness and facade, it’s sad.
I remember my j right now bc she intervened and cared more than my own sisters. She saw me hurting and intervened, she saw me crying and asked why, she saw me hurt and felt the need to do something about it. Oh how I miss you j, I miss u. These were the beginning of our days together,
I don’t even like driving on the same roads that I drove on w u. Thats how much it hurts me.thats how much I miss u and hate these remembrances of u. I’m close to your job and I wish I cud come see u, I wish, I wish…..