Dec 12-2015

Leaving xo after helping w hwk
Was wondering if ur ever tempted like me. Bc as i try to give u a hug u bavk away. Like u seem as if im a disease.ive said it before.
But like u dont get tempted? U don’t wanna hug me?

Oct 16-2015-425am 2.

U know everyone is gonna tell me to chill and don’t get emotional. But i dont like that. What do u mean?! This shit is crazy! What u mean calm down? Oooooo! Let it all go back to normal and act like it dont bother me? Wish it away or the, “all u can do is pray “? What does that mean? ! Come on ppl! Soo annoyed.
So now how do i tell my dad? Do i tell him w my other sister? Do we take his phone away? What?
Is my other sister even responsible enough to deal w this and give the right solution? &wait. .. how in the world do these kids know about all this stuff? They got the dum lingo down but cant even do theyre school work! ! Its so sad Lord. Soo sad. I know it breaks ur heartt too. Im sorry. Its such a mess. Lord help us. Lord help me to be effective w this boy. I dont want him to kill himself or die. Please lord. Noooo. Please noooo.

Oct 16-2015

I am sooo fucking mad at ir. I cannot believe that ive been lied to for soo long. And weird how i had this intuition. Fuckman! I even had the thought to go wait up at the school. Telling me some bullcrap ab they let him out..,i just wanna cry and cry which i am. I cannot believe it. Now hes fucking a girl. Smooth. Shit man! My mom was right! Im sorry mommy!
I had that intuition all week tho, thats y i had to get to his phone. What a liar tho. I even said it to myself this week. That i dont think i can trust him. I really said that and now boom. I was right. Then he spoke about killing himself and he was serious. Like what the hell?!! How can he possibly think that and wanna do that?lord help us. I feel like idk how to deal w this. I really dont know how to. I have zero mercy &patience. At least i was trying w u Lord. I didnt play church. I see him in church at the front, raising hands yet fucking this girl. Lord how is that?!! I know i was bad but i was trying to get better allllllll the way thru it. It feels like he is blatantly sinning and playin church. I mean, come on. Is there any comparison w us? And even if so, does that make it right? Y am i trying to find common ground w him?idk. Maybe bc on the outside it looks similar and the”idk whats going on inside of him?””man. I am soo pissed off w him and now dk what will work. Hes head over heels in love and dk what hes gonna do without her. Now for us to cut him off, what?hes gonna think of killing himself again? Lord u HAVE to take control. Idk how to do this one. Im so sorry lord. Idk what to do. My anger can lash out but idk if itll be effective bc hes such an angry boy. He reminds me of his sister, a.
I can’t deal w this. I cant sleep. I cant believe it. I just dont wanna pick up my phone for no one. I already thought ab cutting off my aunt and thinking of a 40day fast. I just dk what else to do to get God’s attention w this. I think fasting that long will show him i mean it or really need help . And as things go on, this is it father. For ir and his health and spiritual life. I thought u called him,whats going on? Yes it cud be his downfall but man come on. Y arent ppl fighting.

9-28-2015

Its moments where im bored and annoyed w my life that causes extreme frustration and thus wanting to indulge. Its not only liking destruction or being used to despair but the dislike and annoyance of how my life is. I am not happy. I am very frustrated at how my life is. And what i find im doing, is eating to feel better or listening to mineo alot. I feel helpless and like nothing is changing. And even if i start working, itll be a slow crawl. Its like i want all the money now. Im SO unhappy yet idk how to get out of this. Spiritually i have all i need, while the other parts of my life scream for more. Idk whats wrong w me. I know how to pray and i go to church and worship yet still a monday poses this mess. Its like i need to be fr one high to the next. I also wonder what i should in school and idk. Idk if i should do math. More ppl want me to go in medical and yeah i know thats where the money is but i dont wanna. Not after my mom died ,in my mind bc they drugged her to no energy. I dont like hospitals nor believe in their methods. Food is the solution for most if not all diseases.
Just tired. I can say yea gimmy a good looking bf or …mmm… gf, a fly car and we go traveling and fuck it up together, but how long could we keep that up for?ahhh… maybe a few weeks or months, but after that high is done then what? Ill be seeking other girls n boys. Id prob be trying drugs, idk. But the point is ill always be chasing for highs. Maybe thats the problem. Its a high. It dont last. There is no forever high w thins..hmmm.. but w God there is? Yeah i guess

Sept 24-2015-227pm

Feeling icky and annoyed as im listening to this recording of stuff ds been telling me. Im so annoyed its taking so long.im also annoyed that i cant remember all these stuff and now i look like a dork bc im reasking the same qs. Im so tired of it being left up to me, so tired of writing her ab the same thing..well not tired fr my side but bc she told me not to write ab the same thing so im kinda on her side now, to not write ab my failings.
Yadada. Tho i like some of the stuff shes sayin, i now miss it this year. Yeah she still cares but shes backed off like 90% or so. Idk maybe its my neediness. Idk what else to do sometimes. Im just annoyed. Idky its left up to me to tell her when to make the arrangements! Yes i need to be a “big girl” but geez its soo hard. Leave it up to meee? R u serious? Gosh. I feel like i wanna say , I cant be like you d!!! I cant do it. I cant even get thru my weeks. If i thought more, id say i dont even know y im living. I aint doing nothing. I cant even lose weight. Fuck! I am soooo annoyed! I dont even know who i am. Whos this new person?! Im not like how i was when i was younger! Im worst. I was sooo much better when i was younger and in school. Who am I now? Idk. Im loose, no memory, avoid pain, and no schooing, no job or more happiness. I do laugh and such but i also got sooo much else to bear. No wonder theres so much grey hairs in my head.
I am just soo annoyed and want some stuff to relax me. I hate this up and down. Week after week! I cant take it! Sometimes i wonder why do i even go to church? Cuz its becoming like tradition and everything feels monotnois and not new amd refreshing. I dont even know why i go yo fridat bstudy bc im still the same way. Y does d thnk i can make it?im tired. I wanna fall asleep.

Sept 24-2015

Just one of dem days,  but wait didnt i say that yday?been layin here listening to andy mineos new album,uncomfortable. Dont quite like it like the others but i guess over time u get used to it.anyways back to me, having a lil hard morning. Sure not the worst, but still a lil down. Down y?idk. Bc im a lil stressed w my dad bugging me ab money used on the card. Then i wanted some relaxation w the wrong stuff. Then xo asked if i could come for lunch to give me back the 12 or so dollars . I cant go cuz i gotta bring my grandfather to the drs. Then annoyed that d aint write me back last night. I was urgent . I wish she knew. Now as time passes by all thia deliverance stuff leaks away. Idk how its gonna work out bc lets say, i tell her to make the arrangement, id be freaking out till it happens. Even writing it runs nervousness thru my hands. I dont even think i can drive myself to her church on that day. I know shes gonna say that i gotta want freedom more than anything else or say focus on my freedom and not the fear.
Ugh. So tired of the same. Then i miss my moms but dont wanna go there bc itll get me down. Then not talkin w k so much. She kinda switced up on me,so whatevs. I dont get it. Then yea my aunt who stopped calling bugs me here n there. Like everybody just dropping off again!! Wasnt it like last year where i was excited and glad for ppl in my life? Now y they gotta leave?cant they stay? I mean great friends are better than everything in life. Cant they recognize that?!!! Why cant they? I bet they gonna give that cliche, ppl come in ur life for a season. They come to help for a certain time then they move on. Man i hate that shit! So y is xo still around? Yall cant stick w someone forever? It aint like i killin ya? Whats the reason you drop me?ooo it gets me mad.
Sometimes i wish i had to discipline to not write these ppl for a month. I wanna dissappear fr it all for a month. I wanna be happy deep down. Yeah i think of going on a sex binge but i know id be crying after. I just want something different fr everyone leaving me :”(( shit man. Just stay with me.

Sept 20-2015

What stops you from worshipping? Is it people, family, pride? When will u break free from it? Youve been bound for years and like me, even decades. When will u finally be free?!! Like pst Anthony who leads worship week after week, with passion and all his heart, why isn’t worship requiring your all.

Sept 15-2015

I feel called to those who are in bondage as i am/was. Idk if it’s to head up a womens ministry . But i keep praying to preach globally. I know women are out there struggling in stuff like i went thru. And how do they get out? Yea maybe over time and many years they perhaps slide out of it, maybe, but why risk or take all those years to get better when it can be done quicker? I think women need this now. Mothers need a place to destress and find answers and release hurts and frustrations. Any kind of women need a place to go to for help from sexual addictions and affairs. Women bound in homosexuality and daddy issues. Women that have lost loved ones and are left to hold up the house. For grieving, for healing fr personal addictions and for those stuck in homosexuality. I should also reach out to those who have stopped dreaming bc of personal failures. And ohh, those who were abused. I wanna be effective like real talk kim and preach w conviction. I dont wanna be a regular church staff member who becomes familiar w the pastoral staff and who becomes familiar w the sanctuary. I wanna have some kinda privacy to who i am and let it spill out during my sermons and actions.

Sept 12-2015 worship party

Man, my heart wants to worship. But how can i? Its a Saturday chill morn and we’re all in pajamas. Can i go back upstairs and turn the music on and sing? I mean wont they all be listening? I need privacy. Or do i? Im ok with doin it in private but have issues when its in public. Why is that?
Idk.
D should come over and we should do a worship party. Just worship and worship and pray.