false start

mid April and i still havent started. i mark the weeks and tell myself this is the week to start, and then i watch the weeks go by. Im probably 2 weeks late from starting. idk what to say. I have different pains feeling and i dont necessarily use it as an excuse but they do hinder me. there are some days where my lower back hurts so much. there are other days when my ankle hurts fr that sprain. other times its a headache or just my whole body not feeling well. what affects me most is my lower back tho. I dont know what it is. Im thinking its due to a cyst in my right ovary thats affecting my lower back but im not sure. I really dont want that to happen. 
I need to start exercising. i need to start eating right. i know the effects of sugar and eating junk yet im still stuck. i read and read and read and im still here. what else stands in my way? 
do i not know where to work out? yea thats apart of it too. idk what to say. 
I am just here to say that I am still not moving, and im still not eating right. I want to tho. i want to. 

Weridest thing is i have 2 motivators living w me, yet still here i am. my mother has cancer and my little brother has type 1 diabetes. i stare at these two ppl and shake me head in disbelief! i feel it for my brother bc he is so worried when his blood sugar goes down. he is just probably a month into living w diabetes and he is so scared. i watch him inject himself w insulin, count carbs, check his blood sugar, and hold his head as he gets a headache and feel dizzy. i am so sorry for him. idk what to do at times. 
it makes me so thankful for my pancreas but then i feel guilty. all in all im still thankful. 
I look at myself and think that i have it all working, why cant i do better w what i have?!!! idk why we do that. we take things for granted!!!
then my mom has been living w cancer for about 4 years now and yet still we all eat junk as to live in ignorancy! i hate myself for that! idk y i cant live what i believe! after reading all the books i have and knowing all i know, i still dont follow the right way. sometimes it has to do w the fact that i dont have money to buy my own food and im stuck to eating whatever is here. yea that is a problem. it is. 
i think i could still minimize the amount of food i eat tho. lord help me.  my right lower abdomen feels puffy and my lower back hurts! i know you hear me. i know you believe me. i ask you to heal me! 
Heal my mother as you are doing, bc she told me the doctors said that some of her tumors are shrinking and some have gone away. Thank God! i cant even believe it bc she told me that at a school even we went to. it seemed like i didnt have time to celebrate or take it in. but she did say that, right?man! we havent even talked about it. wow. i should talk to her again ab it. 
Does she know i love her? does she think i care? shes always felt like nobody cares ab her. Lord help her to feel loved by her kids. heal her heart bc she doesnt feel loved and appreaciated. God she does so much for the family. She is like a single mom and she gets no credit for it! i see her walk around with her body in pain and she continues to take care of my younger brother and sister. she doesnt stop! she cooks, does laundry, cleans, helps my sister w homework and keeps them up on their school work, and then she has the issues of the older kids on her mind. the older kids dont help her as much. she cusses us out!! i mean cuss!!!! 
she is so overwhelmed and frustrated! 
I see her. I see her. but she doesnt know. 
I see her turn to food as well. every night she takes tea and pours alot of sugar in it. she eats bread and tons of rice. i see her. Tho ive spoken to her about sugar and its relation to cancer, she still eats it. idk what else to tell her. she knows but isnt doing it. We are alike! 
then i think, shouldnt she have more drive to stop than me? she can die fr this, yet she continues as if it doesnt matter.
Now this “good” report has caused her to ignore everything ive said to her. idk whats gonna happen. 

my lil brother is sticking to his carb count and i admire his discipline. he inspires me. my wish for him is that he completely changes his diet around. he needs to eat fruits and vegetables. he hates it right now! he needs to eat it, father! teach Him! Let him change how he eats and reverse all these diseases in him. It all comes fr you. we dont rely on doctors to ease our anxiety, we rely on you. we trust on you. 

God open my eyes and bring me to action fr these ppl that i have as lessons. help me w my procrastination. let me not dishonor them by dishonoring my own body. 

I have seen the effects of food on the body! i see it! ive read it! help me to do it Lord! 
start me off somewhere. idk how to start and im afraid of what others will say and their stupid comments, but help me to do it still. 
Break my bad habits! 

throw me angrily

(break) while i had a mini breakdown bc i was getting so angry and wanted to wild out. was about to text d but then realized that that aint gonna help. its just goonna show how desperate i am. I have no one to talk to. Im just thrown in and expect to get it. Im expected to get all this SHIT together on my own!!! 

 

Go back home to the shit your running from and get it together all alone!!! Dont text nobody bc they dont got time for you. You write too much and think too much and dont make no sense! dont write nobody. they are busy and working. your too complicated!

Thats how i feel you guys left me!! thats how i feel! 

I got some “soul tie” w u and thats y i gotta run back home?!!! Run back home to what though? Run back home for embarrassment and ridicule? Run back home to arguments and mayhem!!!! what exactly? Run back home so i dont think of you? Is going back home gonna stop the soul tie? Did i stop thinking about it/ you, once im here? What really did it help? It sure didnt help me to stop thinking about u. it actually made it worse bc now i can really see a big black hole in my life! Now for real i can see that your absolutely gone, and upon noticing that, my soul aches at the loss! Does all of this help? It sure as hell doesn’t!!!! To know that the person who i let my whole guard down with, who i cried with, and told all my secrets to , is all gone, that doesnt help one bit!!!!

Seeing u gone, and living away from you does not help! it didnt work!

That was not the way for it. I dont care what u see in the movies or read about or wherever. Just let me tell u! it does not work. It is only by Gods grace that i am still here alive! Bc this doesnt work! 

For example: right now, i cud get a job from 230-730 but guess what? I dont got a car! how are we gonna work that out? 

Did all of your friends tell u how to deal with that? Did they think of that when they told you that i was not supposed to live with you anymore? Huh? Did they know how you would get to work everyday and get back home everyday??? Did they think about the fact that you have my car right now? Do they think to themselves how am i gonna get to work? Noooooo nobody is thinking this! yet everyone was on board for me to leave your place! 

 

Do they know what it is to live w my mother!!! Do they know what stress does to me? Do they know that I literally cannot manage it? I say this w tears running down bc this thing gets to me!!!!! Everybody is ready to tear apart and comment on ppls lives yet dont get into the detail of the SHIT!!! this is how mad it gets me! 

 

Do they know what it is to live w my step dad knowing this abuse thing is there? NOOOOOO ! they dont know but they wanna comment!

Do ppl know what stress causes me to do? Nooooo !!! but everyone wanna talk! Nobody is there to help when i got stress yet they wanna throw me in the fire bc of some soul tie. Then when i reach out for help, they all look at you like you psycho!!!!! 
Do u see me calling out ppls’ faults and telling them what to do bc of it? If somebody is lying alot of lusting or committing adultery by just looking at a man or woman, do u see me telling them to get up and leave their house and go live w their mothers? 

 

Anger?! yes im angry!!! Im angry that im like a piece of meat being thrown around fr one place to the next! Does anybody consider my well being? Noooo but everybody was ready to talk a few months ago about whats going on w me and you and of where i should go and of what should happen!!! 

They all jump to talk and talk about whats going on, yet where are they now when i need help? where are they now when i cant make it???? NOWHERE!! 

everybody act so boogie and proper but they cant even relate! they cant bend down and look and the poor in spirit and the disheartened and hopeless person and offer help. I cant even tell them half of the things im going through yet they were the very ones that threw me into this place! 

mad? yes im mad and pissed and angry!!! 

 
Is this like Joseph? ha. yeah it reminds me of him. 

Yet all in all.. Im glad. glad in the weirdest way bc maybe now i can go back to doing it like i always did, before i met you… which is doing it alone!!!! i didnt really talk to ppl yet lived my life myself. Maybe i need to go back to journaling and God. That seems safe and less messier than all this *#$%@!!!! 

Or maybe i should just hope for the best that my poor mother can hold up with me as I try to find a job so i dont become a burden to yet another person!!! 

 

Ohhhh!!! Did any of your friends think of how embarassing it would be to come back home to live at age 31 and of how it would feel? DOes anybody know how my sisters look at me? Does anyone know how i feel? Does anyone know how they look at me? does anyone know how taunted i feel? I feel like the joke of the whole house!!!! 

THey all go out, and have to buy me food. Does anyone know how that feels? Just the other day, i had to bring up the fact that they were leaving me and going to the movies. Do you know how humiliating that feels? Do i gotta beg to go out w my family? Do i just stay in the house all day? What is there? I got no car, got no way to get around! But did anyone think of this? Noooooooo! 

 

Sad case in how this all is. Then again!! Im the only one affected so why should anyone else worry?!

guess the main thing is just seperate the two of us. huh? Yet the same thought comes to me, where were they 3 years ago?!!!!! If this was soooo bad, how in the world did we survive those 3 years? Did i ever rape you? 

You all act like im some monster who just wants you for sex!!! not once does any of the things i say mean sex! 

Yet it probably all boils down to that! 

Cuz i guess now that i am not there, we wont have sex? what huh? Dont get it! 

And now bc i am away, that cures what????? does it cure anything or exasperate it? Makes no sense to me!!!!

 

See you guys dont get to the root! u just treat the symptom!

Tho u want me away from you, did anyone look at where i was returning to? NOPE! I was just told to go by February. And who likes to be kicked out? Who likes to be evicted? Who likes to leave the place they love? Then again, i can handle it! OF all the things ive gone thru w ppl nothing else can break me down or i should say what else is new? I probably need to tatoo that on my arm bc its as real as anything ever. I mean its just one thing after the other after the other! There aint no breaks! it just keeps coming and gutting me out!

 

But all in all, guess what? im still here. I had to deal w all ur shit and nonsense fr all ur ppl. but im still here. im still truding on despite how i hate how u guys did this. I hate how you all handled it. You didnt even come to me and ask me my opinion. You didnt even find out about the details and of how it was suppose to be handled! I was just suppose to listen to it and eat it! do i got a say? yet i know its all my mess! i shud have never put myself in ur damn place for ppl to be kicking me out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! get it together girl!!!! so nobody can kick you out and run your life!!! get it together!! gather the pieces and get it poppin!!!!

 

ONCE again with another dire situation, of “soul ties” / and “homosexuality”, im thrown to another, thrown down to get fixed. Its just like the abuse thing! I was sent to talk to some couselors and none of them delivered! They just passed me on from one person to the other and none was there. One person, i never met with tho it was set up for me to meet them. The other person i spoke to once and then she didnt have time to meet again. Whats the difference now? I have ppl passing me on from one person to the other. NObody can deal w me. Im considered a burden and too much to deal with. Im told i think too much and talk nonsense. Im called complicated. Im seen as too desperate and wanting too much attention. Im seen as someone who still wants girls. Im seen as not ” agreeing and walking together on the same road” So whats the sense?! whats the sense in all this? 

Its the same thing as it always is. 

Everybody to themselves! Run on! Keep on! Read the word and pray! and that solves everything! 

Sad case! 
Im not against God but Im against ppl just throwing dem things around as some cure without getting their hands dirty to actually care and come over and talk w someone and really finding out whats going on! are ppl still out there? do ppl still care? whats going on? 

the thing is ppl dont care! Ppl give up when its too hard and overwhelming. Ppl dont know how to set themselves up for accountability. they just leave ppl to deal w SHIT by themselves. They preach God and no instructions w that. Its like telling me to get a job by “praying about it”, by trusting God and NOT going out to apply and calling the places. Get it??? thats the same thing you guys do w other issues! You sugar coat it w God and u not even speaking practical!!! I dont get it! 

But like that song says, I will survive! I survive all kinds of SHIT!!!! so this aint nothing. well it actually is something, but it can be survived bc i have put up with all the other SHitty things that happen to me in life!! 

I pray to never be this dumb in how i deal w ppl. I wanna be there for ppl if they need me! 

I dont wanna leave ppl all alone and tell them to get it together themselves. I wanna be there for ppl. I wanna help fo real!