So glad u called and i was able to talk a lil.
Aug 6,Question.. what do u mean i have a weak mind?
Idk if i explained everything. I wish there was a play that would depict this but i havent seen any yet.
I want to explain or depict to you the torture im experiencing.
Most times when i text u, its really bad. I dont always text u right away. I try to deal w it myself first and if its getting harder or too much, u might see a text fr me.
Im not trying to cower but the constant battering does wear me down. I just dont like THIS specific temptation. Yes i get scared when it comes bc i feel ill fail.
Before i texted u, i was having a warm time. I thought i was gonna throw it all out. I even said it to myself… “just do it,go have some fun, its nothing much, its just something u do for urself,ur not hurting anyone!”.and i cant tell u how each of those reasonings grip me and like suffocate me. All day its been on me and i was tryin to fight it off. All day it came but i held it off. On top of that i wasnt doing good in the physical. Had no energy for nothing then this issue piled on top of that. Idk if im explaining it right. I want u to see how it torments me and how its not just a singular incident or event that causes it but it was a compilation of like i said, temptation fr this person, this in ur face aggression fr that person bc they wanted what they wanted and gave reason for it, then i saw this show w a scene in it. Then that same day i didnt get to worship and pray like ive been doing. And what im noticing is that if i slip up w that, then things get hard and crazy like this. And the thing is,is i wanted to and sensed the loss of not spending time w God.
The torture? Lets see, laying down and WANTING to fail. When that “want to” creeps up on me,i feel like ive lost already. I feel i shud just throw in the towel bc i already messed up by wanting to indulge! How do i pick up the bible and read it then, when i feel like i intentionally wanna sin? How is that respectful to God?
Thats what i dont get.
When i know i haven’t spent time w God for just two days and i feel like i fell off track, what do i do? This thing took advantage! What do i do in cases like that? I dont wanna sound harsh or vulgar, but to explain my points i might have to be… what do i do when even watch anything sexual on tv is a trigger? Not majorly sexual, but even the slighest thing, is Not good for me. Am i that of a monster of wanting it all the time and being tempted at the littlest thing? Am i that far gone that anything will begin to reel me back in by the neck? Well however or whatever it is, it does just that!! It hooks me and drags me in.
Torture?i know i havent explained that much. But the torture is in my mind and desires i guess, of wanting to fall, of wanting sex and yet knowing i cant go that route. The torture of wanting ppl and friends in your life but hardly having none.that digs in me and makes me reach out for ppl to care. I dont know how to get it thru my head to stop wanting ppl.
Another torture is the destruction of myself. As crazy as it sounds, in the past i found out that all my habits and addictions were all destroying me. And i dont mean that in an observatory way but in a personal intentional way. What i mean is like, i willingly went in to destroy myself. Do u get it? Like now, earlier i told myself, tho on the contrary ive been doing good, to just go and do it! Go sin, go watch some porn, u know u wanna do it, just do it, so and so have done it, just go do ur thing, nothing else is working out, destroy urself. Thats hard to admit but thats how wicked it wud get some time and even worse bc my mind wud be sooo negative and worst stuff would come out. Today it was just a lil bit, but it felt so familiar, like an old friend who knew what i had wanted and i wud need. The past has been so very bad for me and if a tinge of it comes up, im get terrified bc i know the whole package that comes along.
Continue next morning, 823am, Aug 7.
I think ive been doing good. Ive been learning alot about worship and holding on to God thru it.
And its been an eye opener and a breakthu, truly. Unfortunately It was just subtle how these other stuff come at me. And when it does, its like everything gets thrown out the window and i dont remember how to deal w it.
Im tellin u fr Mon when i didnt spend enough time w God till wed, i felt all my energy zapped! On wed evening i was gone. Just the slight mentions or desire wud cause me to relinquish control.i was certain i wud have indulged , thats y i wrote u. I was extremely afraid bc i havent had those self destructive thoughts since last year. I dont wanna get back there Dionne. When destructive and negative thoughts came, i quickly ignored it bc i know where it gets me and i know where i am now. I do not wanna go back to thinking negative alllll the time. I hate when i start thinking negative. It changes my whole life and outlook. Omg!!!
Theres just so much. Even tho it looks like im talkin ab one issue, it is everything combined!!!
On the 1hand, i do feel very compelled to indulge, and feel very afraid and vulnerable when any and ALL SEXUAL advances present itself..i do hate that ab myself. I sometimes wonder if its realistic of what im doing, to try to stay away fr any sexual stuff when i been doing it for years!!! I sometimes think you all are asking for the impossible! Cause sexual sins have one of the greatest power over me, along w my mothers arguments &manipulations.
Back to what i was saying…the sexual world has a lure to it that i can hardly resist. Thats y i do freak out when it even whispers to me bc i know myself. In desperation i cud turn to it at any moment. How do u break that hold? How do u deal w the “want to”?
To add some other things quickly.. 2nd-BOREDOM is killing me here. I thought i was gonna lose my mind last week. U guys dont believe me or dont understand me, but it gets to me. I cannot stand it!!!
3rd-ANGER & frustration w my mom. I texted u some of my feelings w that. Again when that comes up,it comes up. Its been coming up weekly for the past 2weeks. It is also something that is huge& i do not know how to deal with it.
4- advancing myself. As odd or easy as this may seem, i struggle w getting myself better. Example? Wud u believe that it was a major struggle to correct my resume?!!! I remember that day last week bc it was sooo hard. I thought i was going nuts as i had to force myself to actually sit down and work on my resume.
I remember standing by the washer machine and having a hard time in my mind. It is soo crazy. I cant explain it but it is familiar bc in my past and thruout all my past, its been hard to do things that wud advance myself. I wud categorize this in that self destructive area. For some reason i cannot get the focus or strength to make myself better. And i am not trying to be pitiful and put on a victim mentality. I want u to understand that it is just something that blocks me from doing the right things that wud advance me. It is real and it is a monster to deal with.
Last week i had to do sooo much praying just to break thru that, whatever it is, to do my resume!!! What is that???? Idk. And the thing too, after i did the resume,it was easy. Idk y i resisted so much.
Whats ur insights on that?
All i can say, is that it reminds me of the past 10 years of doing nothing and destroying myself thru these sexual stuff. It seemed the more i dipped into the sexual stuff and destroyed myself, the more my regular life wuld seem impossible to get thru. I am not exaggerating. Pls take it word for word. I am telling u something that may sound off, but up to last week, ive seen the same thing of not being able to fill out my resume. It is a giant monster. This thought of just lay down and let it all be destroyed. This laydownand let ppl love u. This twisted need.
But as it exists in me, i am also reaching out to God.
Its tough. I know u want me to press. I understand. I have been trying my best to not go back to negative thinking. I do feel different,my minds been freer and not bogged down w that weight, it has changed.
I dont wanna go back.
And thats what i was thankful for yday, that even tho i wanted to throw it all away and indulge, my mind went to how i wud feel afterwards.i knew i wud start beating myself up, i knew i wud feel devastated after coming this far and fallin back. My mind passed the pleasure to the aftermath. I also thought ab the rapist thing u said but thats such a strong example so it came and left quickly .
Anyways, problems upon problems. Guess it makes no sense to list it all bc we all have them. I just hope i can continue. (Woooo.. short of breath, dky)
I wanna get better. I kno where ive been and i see myself coming out of it. I know i need to not love self destruction anymore. This falling and getting up all the time. I need to stop it. I need to embrace this new thing ofnot falling, not indulging.
Its so weird how we like the familiar. Its so sad when we want what we always had. Its so sad when time has been attached to ur bondage. The length of time and familiarity makes it that much stronger and desirable.
This strong sexual appetite that i have, this destructive anger that arises, this boredom that strangles me,this barrier of stagnation that hinders me fr overcoming in my natural life, this control and fear my mom brings, i want gone! I wanna get stronger but also know these are 5great giants in my life. I am tying. I have to try.
—(Break)730am aug 7,
Play w fire? Mmm. Good point. Thanks for always sayin it like it is. 🙂 And ur right i havent had a phone in a while so i cud see how u think i gave out my #. Haha.
But No i didnt give them my number. I spoke to them thru somebody elses phone. And it was a male, to be honest. He had leverage bc he brought up& wanted something i had done w him in the past. He was very persistent and aggressive :(( Never seen someone like that in a while.
But its Not gonna happen again.i do see that It is ahh.. it is.., an avenue, an option…yeah fire that i need to stay away from.
What i learned is to not even listen to them kinda arguments bc it has influence whether i like it or not. I felt that 😦
Sighhh. U remind me of these 2 #s i have. One got transferred to my phone when i uploaded my gmail account. I havent contacted her tho. I guess i cud delete that one? the other # i got recently bc it got changed & was talking to her about some job she knows about. Do i keep her #? Also shes kinda a relative. Is that reason to keep it?
Ugh!! This brings up that anxious fearful feeling i get when i share about my past. 😦
Rebuke/ resist-i ask ab that bc i hate feeling tortured. The twisting and turning in bed to get some kinda peace is torturous so i wonder if rebuking will instantly stop that at that moment.
Other issues, cyst, infertility,try to tell myself these are small issues but it stilll has its way of getting to me.
Fighting for... 