july31-650pm.Must i always dampen my anger?!!! Should i just leave one day? why does thoughts of living under a bridge homeless flicker thru my mind when my anger rises? BC I AM PISSED OFF at this mess.
Everything I said was right!!! Dont take nothing fr these parents. Dont accept a job bc they will use it against you. Dont be living up in their household. cus look at this! I told her y dont she pressure my other sister to pay, and she turns it back on me and says they paid when you werent working. now what kinda shit is that? its like they can slide while theyre working but i cant. ? I dont get it. its so jacked up.
Even this the other day, my other sister, who got married in secret and has now moved out, called home and said she misses home and is it bc of her that we are having to move? my mom doesnt let her hear, like she did to me!!!, but told her that she cant answer now. Now what the HELL was that? Do i get all the Fucking smack handed my way and nobody else does? Do my heart get fucking beat up while everybody just fucking slide? It is crazy! and that sad part is that i am still stuck in this shit hole at age 32! i am like fucking piss!!! not producing a think and keep getting spit on and humiliated! i need to get out. i know i am but its taken too long. i let shit come all over me before getting outta this fucking muck! i am so pissed at myself but i guess not pissed enough to still not be outta here and hunting for job more and taking crap like this even today. damn it! y cant i succeed?!!!!! sighhhhh.
its so heavy on my soul! I wish d would come pick me up right now so i can just cry and so she can pray for me. but im always wishing stuff like that and it never happens. I need so much help still. i cant get through my days. too much happens. im either losing my mind in my bedroom and going psycho looking at those white walls or losing my frigging cool as my mother argues bout something.
I dont wanna follow nothing they offer me! i wish i had a job so i dont have to take no fucking job for them! am i being ungrateful?? idk. i just HATE it when the use things against me, thats y i say it.
I am just sooo tired of this. I want my ownnn SHIT!!! dont wanna live w nobody and rely on a single ass soul!!!! they use it against you so much. i need to stand on my own!! DUH!!! Shoulda gotten that med degree!!! DAMN DAMN DAMN!!!
stupid to ask God to help you, help you, change my situation, get me out, but then you aint doing SHITTTT! i get it now after 32 years of saying God help me, fix me, change me, get me outta here WHILE I aint doing squat to get outta here myself!
I use to think i just had to pray. not putting prayer down but its also a huge part for me to do my best so things can change. i cant sit like a genie and rub the lamp. i gotta do stuff to get outta this junk mess!
Like someone told me, do your part and God will do His. Its like this morning, when i sat in the room and wanted things to change so badly yet NOTHING does! I am in no position with no substantial degree to move myself forwards!!! its as if i have no degree. i mean i have one but its for ministy use. at least thats how i see it. damn. I know. i know.
i am just so mad right now and conflicted. I wanna do so much and not doing nothing. i have a degree for ministry and aint doing a thing. i watch others do and me not.
(lost what i wrote after this. dang!)
But I MUST get back on track. I know i will. cause all my reminscing and pain in my failures are legit but also wasting my time. i know it. i am 32 and thats old and it grieves that im still at square 1 but i still got a change to make it better. so i will.
Worship? I was writing something ab worship before i lost the whole thing. what was it? umm something ohhh. about d saying that my breakthru is gonna come thru worship. she said it back feb1. yeah she did say that. its funny how im learning ab worship now and getting more public w my worship to God. yeah. i am. it is just moments like these tho that slam me back to the reality that i still struggle and still get pissed off and curse. this is what i really feel and im trying not to hide it. my anger is real , as silent as it is. I do want God in those moments but it is also these that slay me down. I hope to one day fix it.
God help me to do my part of working and thinking and going to school so i can support myself all alone! God help me to not just pray but to DO my part. help me to use wisdom and use works along w my faith. help me not to sit in the corner and say God help me, but to do my part of deligently being my best!
Fighting for... 