annoyed by help? Sept 6-2014

sept 6=2014-i am so annoyed and wrapped up in this stupid purity business. thats how im feeling. im so annoyed that i gotta be dealing with this. i just dont wanna be consumed w it and i feel thats what im doing. I mean i should be more thankful to have so many ppl in my corner but i guess its becoming too much. wait! what am i saying? isnt this what i wanted? didnt i want ppl around? ahhh. i guess. whatever. im just tired right now.
first off i must say im thankful for d!!! oh God i know that was from you bc only you knew that i imagined and wanted her love before i went to bstudy. you knew my thoughts fr that morning or whenever and you met that need. oh my gosh. she even said i hope you will be able to see that God hears you. it was weird that she said that when my prayers were already answered by the fact that she hugged me and said she loved me. oh God thank you for d. She blows my mind. she hugged me yday although i felt like the scum of the earth. she took the time out to talk to me altho her friends were around. she stood in that parking lot and spoke to me hard and i didnt mind. i welcomed it! and she kept speaking altho mike was there. i didnt care and i dont think she cared too, not that she spilled my whole biz out there but she kept it tough and hard. ha. she even said i should read Romans bc its in your face and i need that. damn. i got everything i need and wanted. yes God you have answered all my prayers and met all my needs. you made me meet an awesome woman of God. she is speaking life into me and she is staying! well she has stayed so far. she didnt leave me in my disaster. its the 9th month and shes still here. i fail and want her to leave but shes still here. her counsel is on point and i need to stick w it. that reminds me, maybe i need to stop talking k about the same things ive been talking to d about. why??? bc i think im unloading on k about the same things that ive talked to d with. i need to accept ds word and know its from God and firm as it needs to be. i shouldnt be wanting to go to another person so they can give me a cookie cut out!! OH Lord help me!! help me to remember ds words too of just doing what i need to do and stop w the qs bc i will understand in time, of not giving the enemy place. of getting sick and tired, of telling the enemy to shut up!, of pounding the ground, of speaking to myself, that she cant do it for me which k said too. (why do they keep saying that as if im asking for that? i mean i use to be like that but not now.)anyways yeah they keep saying it, maybe bc they tryna tell me to work it out w God.
Man my questions are just drilling through my head. but i hear you d! to stop asking the qs and do! i hear u when u tell me to prepare for the next time bc there will be a next time but as she texted earlier to NOT speak nor accept Defeat.

fasting. cut the fast today.. need to starve this flesh. it is too heightened as d said. she speaks the word strong!

no ambition. tragic

sept 27. 916 pm. i cant do this no more. i cant pretend to like it here. i am going out of my mind being in this house day and day out without a job. omgosh.. pleasseeee somebody come rescue me!!! somebody just do something lovely and come over and bring me out!!! how bout d just come over and take me for lunch once a month? any other friends i got? ever? to do something like this? damn damn. i am going out of my mind like i did back up in the earlier of this year, around jan / feb. im hating ppl being involved in my life and may be going back to just me myself and i. thats not even comforting bc i dont like that either, tho its a lil comforting if i got wifi and wanna mess around. but still its not really were i wanna be. i want a job and be able to save mad money. i am so tired of this shitty life. im trying not to be ungrateful but i cant keep doing this man. i been a waste for 10 years since i moved here. i cant keep doing this. i am beyond worn out and wasted. my whole head should be gray. i am soo down, so faking it all, and soooo unhappy. does anybody see? does anybody know? i think my addictions have changed to food. i just want food bc i dont know what else to turn to. im just hungry for some good food. i wanna indulge in everything. my frustration and anger brings me there. i wish i was like jb and kinda got my ish together. i feel so lost and so out of it. i wish i was younger and had my same mentality. i am so out of momentum.i dont have the same ambition i did like when i was younger. im shit man! i am a lazy piece of shit! even in church i dont have a drive as i use to. all my young days of wanting to go on missions and play for church are thrown out the window and here i am. im haunted by the words of my sister, you know so much and not doing nothing, why are you learning the guitar. i guess shes right bc look at me now. ugh!1 i am an obvious shitty failure to my family. its not a question anymore, its not a thought, its a fact. imagine, i see my immigrant uncle in the same place as i am, hunting a job down but hes able to get work while i dont. my mom disgustingly asked if i wanted to go look for jobs w him. like wth?!!! gosh. what a blow. i know im bad but damn dont rub it in. this rips me up yet i keep living. am i this piece of shit living in this land like this? yo!! noooo man. i got no car, no money. right now im beggin my sister to borrow her car and she says no. i wanna go buy some mcds bc im hungry and got no money and no car. shit man. what a dumb ass.

Jan4

Exilarated fr service at church. It was the missionary from philipines. He was quoting all kinds of verses and just stringing things together. It was so on point. It encouraged me to keep pressing and not hold back. All the distractions and put downs at home are tryna block me bc as i look out i see others doin it and on fire. All the praying and passion: aint nothing wrong w it! !! All the songs, fasting and deepness is something!!! Its feeding the inner man, the spirit. Gosh i was so inspired and pushed on after hearing the sermon.

Jan 3

Jan3-601pm, outside watching the fault in our stars and i hate cancer! Idk what to do about my mom. I used to research but now ive stopped. Nobody is listening and she keeps eating sugar. Idk what to do. Its like shes waiting to die. I dont know how to deal q anymore deaths. I hate death!!!

Jan 5

Feeling quite miserable when i should be excited for this fast. Its not the fast thats got me miserable tho it plays a lil part bc im such a craven addict. But whats also added to that is bc theres no $ on the card i have, so i have to go back home and wait for my mom to put it on. That means ill be doing this renewal tomorrow,im guessing. Then as i left the house i was irritated that they cant just buy a printer instead of me goin to the library. Then prior to that, i was annoyed that my dads always on the computer and he makes a big deal when i gotta use it. Then im annoyed at myself for being grumpy. As i was driving back from the library i thought, all my issues are from depending on them. My frustrations are towards them bc they are supplying me. What if i have no Need fr them? The i wouldnt be so annoyed!!!when i dont get what i want. Then again heres the other issue, how do u come to terms w blatant unfairness?

Jan 1-2015

January 1,2015- got two minutes left of this first day. Its been mostly busy. Had the annual breakfast and then tonight i fed and walked the dogs then came back to see the kids on the block, including my two lil siblings, bursting fireworks. They were having fun. There was two blankets spread on the lawn and the weather was cool. I watched and it was good. It was such a difference fr my regular routine. Ive been having lousy days in the sense that im tired of being around my mom: just wanna do my own thing. Tired of the restrictions on the car, yes and i am 32!!! Tired of the no’s and you cant take the car. I need my own and yes ive beeen saying that a while now. I can say, idk when im gonna get it or i can say, i need to get this now. But anyways im just tired of myself. Tired of my constant texts to these women who are helping me. Tho they should be helping me i feel im being too much. Im burdening them alot. I bring every issue to them. I need to go to God first and let them help sometimes. Its this balance that i can’t get.
I just hate being emotional. I spoke to k tonight and it felt different. I felt happier tho stuff wasn’t all good. Maybe it was bc i was happy watching the kids with the fireworks. Thats another thought; i wonder if i had a kid, would it have helped me be more productive?
Idk its the second day and i need to write what i wanna cut out my life.
I wanna cut out rice, cereal, sodas(already there w that). Ill start w that.
I wanna stop texting xo first.
I wanna start exercising. Getting off this stomach and having tons of muscle.
I want to be more bolder spiritually.

Miserable at mall

Dec 30- as shitty as it feels, stop running down ppl. Stop tryna call k, stop expecting fr j, stop everything. Cut off of social media and do ur ass. I hate cussing but i guess its bc im upset at this kid cryin in my ears and from my mom spending all this money and not sharing it up equally.
Whatever. I just need to get my own job and get it myself. I wanna be mad successful and rich. Im tired of my broke ass! Im 32 and got gotdamn nothing. Im tired of xo and all the money problems. Bills stay the same and does ur income. Yo get it together already. Sort ur thing out. Math. That’s all! Tired of being behind her and knowing that shes in the way as they say. Time and time again i see her making it. She makes it financiall and spiritually. Do i wanna leave her?no but i could. Would i be worried? Yea i would be worried about her physically.
Just tired. Need to do me. New year around the corner and i need to get this now. I need to get this fitness thing going. This job thing going, but before that, this renewal card going. Then after that, the move out tho again i dont like that. Bc itll cost so much. If im making it, would i do it? Yes!! I needs to. Its been 14 years too late. Too late!! Anyways lemmy stop writing. Dont feel in the mood. Maybe bc i feel a lil miserable about how i look. I dress bad, dont got money to but clothes and even if i did, tho it would help, i don’t got a good bod to fit the clothes. And my face is breaking out constantly on one side. I dont got nothing. No up to date make up, no …whatevs.
Goodbye.

Dec 24

Dectwentyfour at cits candle light service and my heart is sooo overwhelmed w God. He is glorious.  Maybe it was the worship bc that was onnnn point. They worshipped and organsied well. The girl on the rope, the song breathe on me hold me together. Then the ballerina dancing to fall on ur knees. In amazed at the performances and cits putting it together. My heart is full adoration, cause im learning to be over my feelings and serve God despite circumstances. Its more real. My defeciences dont rule or shudnt rule. god shud. Enough of ups and downs. Feelings constantly being.hurt.tho yes i need to get over that and those thats caused it.
Anyways, just filled w love adoration, joy, goodness, i feel it in me. Happy.

Dec 22-1036

At da mall parking lot. Upset at what d &k saying to me. K saying she understands d frustration and that i cant keep pulling her out when i need to bc shes a mother and wife. I shudnt be calling her for approval. Like what in the hell??????
When did things shake up like this? Wait wait! ! I thought im reaching out for help!! How the hell did it turn to like, stop bugging me, u need to do it by ur self? Ha!! This is the part if ppl that i dont get!! No wonder i keep shutting my heart off. I wanna curse but… gosh.
They all making it seem so easy.fuck!! U think i wanna reach for j?! Im right by her place and i cant go see her? I cant stop by her place? Damn!!!!
Break. .. you guys get on my fucking nerves!!! No one can deal w the shit that comes along w this. Y when it gets gritty and nasty and tough that everyone starts turning on me?!! Shiyit!!didnt i warn ppl about this from the damn get go?!!!!
Break. . 1118-now come on, n, y wud u tell k that i said she was frustrated? Come.on man. I thought i.cud talk to u

Dec22-626pm

D sounds mad at me. I texted her this morning ab having a hard time w this process. She responded by saying i need deliverance and that i have too much idle time and that i need to pursue jobs. I was upset. Guess im more mad bc she dont see that im trying. I slam the kitchen cupboard bc im mad. I … break. ..
659-Dont wanna be a leech to them. Dont wanna be. Ill do it. Dont wanna text them. I can do this. Mmm. Shud i be fighting this right now?hmmm. Dont think so. Should be dealin w mourning my sister and thinking of changing myself for the new year. Not this bogus shiyit!!!!ahhhhh. Well even so, here it is, im dealing w my ppl addiction tho this ppl addiction has to do w spiritual health!!ahhhh even more frustrating! !!