submerged

2/16/14-Funny when i think im standing straight, i aint. An argument w her just brings out my madness. I get angry and wanna curse. i start to wanna cry and feel so very frustrated. idk y that is. maybe its bc she reaches to the deepest part of me. (break)Even saying “i love you” to her feels weird now. ha. why? bc it seemed like it was an issue.(break)

God
what am i trying to say? I want God like you. ha. i know you may not believe me but i do. Ive seen God chase me down. Ive seen Him speak to me through ppl, but i didnt change for long, yet still, He kept talking. Its not that I didnt wanna follow Him but that I kept failing Him. I couldnt live straight even if I tried to. I wanted God so much and was always asking Him to help me but it wouldnt last long; i either didnt feel Him, couldnt find Him, didnt know how to pray, didnt feel worthy to go to Him, was lost in wanting the wrong thing, or just didnt know how to not get angry at all that was coming at me. I didnt know how to deal w all the stresses. Didnt know how to deal w my mom, you or my failings. I was just stuck and couldnt bear it.
Whats the difference now? idk. I mean He has spoken again, and I guess Im just extremely shocked by that, by His love, His persistent love, that in the midst of my mess, He still reaches out to me. What then is my reaction?the same thing ive always done, I take it in and grab it.
This time, im just hoping that as i put more of my part into it, that things will go better. Im trying to spend more time praying. when i started it seemed so hard bc i felt i had so many things to pray about and i didnt know where to start. Everything kept popping into my mind. I got overwhelmed bc i didnt know how to start, what to start with, where to start, and everything seemed like it would take forever to pray about. But im glad that i started. I started!And from then, 2 weeks ago, ive been “good”.
has it been hard? oh yeah! You wouldnt believe it, it has been extremely hard. One time i thought i was going mad! I had to distract myself by going on my iPad. it was crazy.
this wont be in order but just as how it comes to me.

Losing my MIND/you
i was “losing my mind” bc u didnt write much, bc i wanted to talk to you but couldnt talk to u for long. u were hardly available. I was stuck here and had/ have no one to talk to. I was just trapped in all this chaos with no one to talk to. I remember I would imagine you coming by for lunch or something. lol. how stupid, right? I would.
I just didnt know how to deal w losing u. I know we “still talk” but i still lost u.
I tried to keep it together but i couldnt. Imagine being in a house and nobody knows whats going on with you? Imagine living w family and having to put on a friendly face while your heart is ripping apart and your losing your mind. It was not easy!
As ive told u, i would go in the bathroom and cry. January was not a pretty month!!! I was dying! I was about to lose my mind.
I hate being in this house and not doing nothing.
On top of my heart ache concerning you, was also the fact that Im staying at home at this age, and have no job or rather nothing for myself. that drives me mad!

Family
I feel like the biggest embarrassment being here! you wouldnt believe how i feel! I feel like *(&^^$!!!!! This was never apart of my plan to come back here. I told u it was like i was moving backward. anyways… thats on another topic.

then my sis was arguing bout her car and that i drove it to bible study. i wanted to do something for myself. all around ppl are doing w/e they want and i aint. i want some kinda independence.- i was bout to cry yday when my sisters didnt bring me out. u said dont beg yet i didnt know y i was cryin. i felt left out tho. like the cinderella doing all the house work while they did nothing and went out.

Remembering
remembering u w everything- one time i had to hold my sis hands in church, and i thought of holding yours. i pass by and drive on some of the streets we use to drive on and i remember u. i seee ur pic on fb and i couldnt even look at it at one point. I use to check fb constantly to see if u wrote and u never did. i would sooth my heart by telling myself that she dont care.
im also reminded about you when i see my sis and her bf. it reminds me of u. I also think back of being w you when mom is being unfair. she is harder on me than the others.

you/mia
i havent seen u in a while.i got no time w u. the only time i got is comp time,and a lil phone time. my ilu seems weird to u now. i cant even say that and have it returned to me. i feel like u look at me weird when i say it. i should stop. your mia. you stop by with your sister and how am i supposed to really talk to you when she is around? can i have anytime for myself w u? so pathetic.

all these stupid issues seem so dumb. i wanna go in my car sometimes and run away- shut everyone out.all this mom unfair treatment of treating my sisters friends better than my friends/ my issue vs my sisters/ the constant arguments in January from my mom. i cud not take it! How was i to recover in a mess like this??? Mom issues and Daddies issues of abuse? What kind of plan is this?

I want you yet I don’t want u. U don’t wanna give it no more so it really looks ridiculous and pathetic now.

this city no bf?

No Fri, February 21- saw this guy fr college and added him on fb. It makes me remember there are still good guys out there.ugh! Y don’t they notice me! Anyway. He seems to be doing good, like everyone I know. But for some reason my life isn’t! It’s so weird seeing everyone move on and watching my life the way it is. Damn!! Is it this city? This place? What? My emotions? My hurts? Why can’t I get over? Why am I still stagnant for 10 years?!! It Is sad!!!!

wanna mb

10:49- I’m going out my mind lord! I can’t do this! I wanna masturbate, I wanna watch porn!!! How do I do this?!!! Am I supposed to do this myself?
I hate forcing myself away fr it when I want it. Makes me wanna puke and makes me miserable when I don’t get the release! I hate it! I hate it!
Where’s all the spiritual friends now?!!! They are not here in this moment!!! So how do I do this? What’s the sense?!!!! It’s all good and dandy when everyone is dressed up and serious in church or bible study, but what happens here? Here in this loneliness and need? Where are they now? They are nowhere to be found!! And I need Help!!! My mind can switch in seconds as I follow my flesh. It’s been a habit and I know many other &$%#^ is gonna come my way and idk how to handle it without getting a release! I hate this! I seriously do! Get me married so I can let it out there! If I burn, I shud get married, so I’m asking u for that!
This song has been a massive help to me for decades!

y i keep wanting u

732 am -2/18/14- I don’t even wanna come close to u anymore. It burns me that I allowed myself to come near to you, to lay in ur bed, to lay next to you in your arms and feel comfortable w u, and talk to u, and cry w u, and eventually breakdown!!
I now hate that I was so close to u!! I hate it bc that’s all I want right now. ::::((((((((( idk y I can’t let u go. Idk y I keep wanting u. I can’t even take the signs that u don’t want me and move on!!! Y can’t I move on? Why does it hurt so much? Why?
Why can’t I just leave u alone? Why do I still want u? Why? We argue all the time and I feel mad insignificant w u, so y do I even give a damn?!! Idk. Don’t know how to shut u out completely!
Break1030am- I think I want sex all the time. Any type of sexual pleasure and sign me up, I want it. Maybe that’s my problem. But when u turn me on, I want it. I’ve been in it for about 24 years!!! So why would anyone expect anything less fr me?!!!! 24 years in this sexual world and still trying to “live pure”. It can drive anyone up da wall!!
I am probably a sex addict. I turn to sexual pleasure when in pain and stress, happy or bored. Lol. Dang! I turn to it as an escape, to live in fantasy land, to give myself something good. Yet in all this, I’m still not satisfied. In two ways I’m not satisfied. One is that I could be more rampantly out there sleeping w guys but I’m not. That would probably showcase my problem even more. It’s probably what I want anyway. I’m just too much of a coward to do it. Sleep w girls? Yeah I’d do that. I just don’t got my stuff set up to do that, but sure the thought has ran thru my mind.
I want and want and want toooooo much!! I chase and chase for sexual pleasure soooo much! It’s killing, choking me and I can’t get out!!!!

constant arguing

2/17/14- I’ve been trying to write to u from yesterday and i still haven’t sent u the two things I wrote, then today we are at it again arguing ab working out at home or the gym. I mean shud we even be talking? Y are we always fighting?!! Do u do this to everyone? I mean I neither like when ur all surfacey and saying God Bless, take care and cutting me off. Break.
I really don’t wanna write u. Don’t wanna have nothing to done you. Y? Bc u sure seem fine already. Y is it that u wanna hear fr me? What help am I to u?
We don’t really share and I can imagine that I’m viewed as the needy dependent one who needs help and who can’t give out help! Ha. Lol.
What kinda @&$#%^!!! Is that?!! So bc I struggle w something , I’m automatically banned fr helping anyone and saying anything ab God?
Now that’s so hypocritical.bc I’m sure u got things to work on yet u don’t see me holding u back and putting u in a box bc of ur struggles? Now do u?!!!
Yet u guys did that to me!!! Y? Bc homosexuality is the biggest of them all? Tell me why?!!!!

throw me angrily

(break) while i had a mini breakdown bc i was getting so angry and wanted to wild out. was about to text d but then realized that that aint gonna help. its just goonna show how desperate i am. I have no one to talk to. Im just thrown in and expect to get it. Im expected to get all this SHIT together on my own!!! 

 

Go back home to the shit your running from and get it together all alone!!! Dont text nobody bc they dont got time for you. You write too much and think too much and dont make no sense! dont write nobody. they are busy and working. your too complicated!

Thats how i feel you guys left me!! thats how i feel! 

I got some “soul tie” w u and thats y i gotta run back home?!!! Run back home to what though? Run back home for embarrassment and ridicule? Run back home to arguments and mayhem!!!! what exactly? Run back home so i dont think of you? Is going back home gonna stop the soul tie? Did i stop thinking about it/ you, once im here? What really did it help? It sure didnt help me to stop thinking about u. it actually made it worse bc now i can really see a big black hole in my life! Now for real i can see that your absolutely gone, and upon noticing that, my soul aches at the loss! Does all of this help? It sure as hell doesn’t!!!! To know that the person who i let my whole guard down with, who i cried with, and told all my secrets to , is all gone, that doesnt help one bit!!!!

Seeing u gone, and living away from you does not help! it didnt work!

That was not the way for it. I dont care what u see in the movies or read about or wherever. Just let me tell u! it does not work. It is only by Gods grace that i am still here alive! Bc this doesnt work! 

For example: right now, i cud get a job from 230-730 but guess what? I dont got a car! how are we gonna work that out? 

Did all of your friends tell u how to deal with that? Did they think of that when they told you that i was not supposed to live with you anymore? Huh? Did they know how you would get to work everyday and get back home everyday??? Did they think about the fact that you have my car right now? Do they think to themselves how am i gonna get to work? Noooooo nobody is thinking this! yet everyone was on board for me to leave your place! 

 

Do they know what it is to live w my mother!!! Do they know what stress does to me? Do they know that I literally cannot manage it? I say this w tears running down bc this thing gets to me!!!!! Everybody is ready to tear apart and comment on ppls lives yet dont get into the detail of the SHIT!!! this is how mad it gets me! 

 

Do they know what it is to live w my step dad knowing this abuse thing is there? NOOOOOO ! they dont know but they wanna comment!

Do ppl know what stress causes me to do? Nooooo !!! but everyone wanna talk! Nobody is there to help when i got stress yet they wanna throw me in the fire bc of some soul tie. Then when i reach out for help, they all look at you like you psycho!!!!! 
Do u see me calling out ppls’ faults and telling them what to do bc of it? If somebody is lying alot of lusting or committing adultery by just looking at a man or woman, do u see me telling them to get up and leave their house and go live w their mothers? 

 

Anger?! yes im angry!!! Im angry that im like a piece of meat being thrown around fr one place to the next! Does anybody consider my well being? Noooo but everybody was ready to talk a few months ago about whats going on w me and you and of where i should go and of what should happen!!! 

They all jump to talk and talk about whats going on, yet where are they now when i need help? where are they now when i cant make it???? NOWHERE!! 

everybody act so boogie and proper but they cant even relate! they cant bend down and look and the poor in spirit and the disheartened and hopeless person and offer help. I cant even tell them half of the things im going through yet they were the very ones that threw me into this place! 

mad? yes im mad and pissed and angry!!! 

 
Is this like Joseph? ha. yeah it reminds me of him. 

Yet all in all.. Im glad. glad in the weirdest way bc maybe now i can go back to doing it like i always did, before i met you… which is doing it alone!!!! i didnt really talk to ppl yet lived my life myself. Maybe i need to go back to journaling and God. That seems safe and less messier than all this *#$%@!!!! 

Or maybe i should just hope for the best that my poor mother can hold up with me as I try to find a job so i dont become a burden to yet another person!!! 

 

Ohhhh!!! Did any of your friends think of how embarassing it would be to come back home to live at age 31 and of how it would feel? DOes anybody know how my sisters look at me? Does anyone know how i feel? Does anyone know how they look at me? does anyone know how taunted i feel? I feel like the joke of the whole house!!!! 

THey all go out, and have to buy me food. Does anyone know how that feels? Just the other day, i had to bring up the fact that they were leaving me and going to the movies. Do you know how humiliating that feels? Do i gotta beg to go out w my family? Do i just stay in the house all day? What is there? I got no car, got no way to get around! But did anyone think of this? Noooooooo! 

 

Sad case in how this all is. Then again!! Im the only one affected so why should anyone else worry?!

guess the main thing is just seperate the two of us. huh? Yet the same thought comes to me, where were they 3 years ago?!!!!! If this was soooo bad, how in the world did we survive those 3 years? Did i ever rape you? 

You all act like im some monster who just wants you for sex!!! not once does any of the things i say mean sex! 

Yet it probably all boils down to that! 

Cuz i guess now that i am not there, we wont have sex? what huh? Dont get it! 

And now bc i am away, that cures what????? does it cure anything or exasperate it? Makes no sense to me!!!!

 

See you guys dont get to the root! u just treat the symptom!

Tho u want me away from you, did anyone look at where i was returning to? NOPE! I was just told to go by February. And who likes to be kicked out? Who likes to be evicted? Who likes to leave the place they love? Then again, i can handle it! OF all the things ive gone thru w ppl nothing else can break me down or i should say what else is new? I probably need to tatoo that on my arm bc its as real as anything ever. I mean its just one thing after the other after the other! There aint no breaks! it just keeps coming and gutting me out!

 

But all in all, guess what? im still here. I had to deal w all ur shit and nonsense fr all ur ppl. but im still here. im still truding on despite how i hate how u guys did this. I hate how you all handled it. You didnt even come to me and ask me my opinion. You didnt even find out about the details and of how it was suppose to be handled! I was just suppose to listen to it and eat it! do i got a say? yet i know its all my mess! i shud have never put myself in ur damn place for ppl to be kicking me out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! get it together girl!!!! so nobody can kick you out and run your life!!! get it together!! gather the pieces and get it poppin!!!!

 

ONCE again with another dire situation, of “soul ties” / and “homosexuality”, im thrown to another, thrown down to get fixed. Its just like the abuse thing! I was sent to talk to some couselors and none of them delivered! They just passed me on from one person to the other and none was there. One person, i never met with tho it was set up for me to meet them. The other person i spoke to once and then she didnt have time to meet again. Whats the difference now? I have ppl passing me on from one person to the other. NObody can deal w me. Im considered a burden and too much to deal with. Im told i think too much and talk nonsense. Im called complicated. Im seen as too desperate and wanting too much attention. Im seen as someone who still wants girls. Im seen as not ” agreeing and walking together on the same road” So whats the sense?! whats the sense in all this? 

Its the same thing as it always is. 

Everybody to themselves! Run on! Keep on! Read the word and pray! and that solves everything! 

Sad case! 
Im not against God but Im against ppl just throwing dem things around as some cure without getting their hands dirty to actually care and come over and talk w someone and really finding out whats going on! are ppl still out there? do ppl still care? whats going on? 

the thing is ppl dont care! Ppl give up when its too hard and overwhelming. Ppl dont know how to set themselves up for accountability. they just leave ppl to deal w SHIT by themselves. They preach God and no instructions w that. Its like telling me to get a job by “praying about it”, by trusting God and NOT going out to apply and calling the places. Get it??? thats the same thing you guys do w other issues! You sugar coat it w God and u not even speaking practical!!! I dont get it! 

But like that song says, I will survive! I survive all kinds of SHIT!!!! so this aint nothing. well it actually is something, but it can be survived bc i have put up with all the other SHitty things that happen to me in life!! 

I pray to never be this dumb in how i deal w ppl. I wanna be there for ppl if they need me! 

I dont wanna leave ppl all alone and tell them to get it together themselves. I wanna be there for ppl. I wanna help fo real!

 

Chasing nothing

What am I really chasing? Huh?!!!!
Chasing ppl?
Chasing someone to love me?
Chasing validation fr anyone?
Chasing sexual pleasure? Well yeah, that can be a pull.

V 14

Vday

Haven’t heard from you In days, to me it seems like forever
Forever u walked away, got your way,watch me slip into a coma
But I’m here, still awake ,watching time go by, as u fly by
Doing things, and finding friends, having fun it is no wonder
You are not near

Rip myself away that’s all I’m doing
Intentionally I stifle all my feelings
Don’t write u cuz I wont bother
Ruin ur day, cause u stress
Don’t wanna bring u under

I pass da roads and see the signs
And all I do is remember you and try not to cry
I stifle all emotions so I won’t cry over you

Forbidden love i can’t let go
just stifle and shove down
the love I will always have for you!

I don’t even know if u exist, at least not like the way I knew u to
I just sit and wonder or rather stifle it so I don’t go crazy missing u
I miss u all the time
I cry just to write that
Bc all this stifling comes out at times tho I try not to cry
But I cry, cuz I’m not use to that

Stuff it down and play the clown
Act like things don’t hurt me
Don’t bring it up just move on up
Is all I hear around me

So cant I hurt? Is it all just dirt? That I really loved u?
That’s what they all say, throw it away,
While I feel this pain everyday.

Act like it didn’t happen. Get over it, let it go
Anything to make it go away.
Stifle it, ignore it, don’t beg for love u want.

I do all those things but I’m right back here
Wanting u but never getting it

Wishing u were always here, wishing u were always near

I don’t even know if u exist. All my memories and desires are my facts
That you once existed, once accepted
What I gave u, when I gave u all of me.

I’ll always love u, always
I’ll always miss u, everyday

I’m sorry your gone
I cry about it
Should I always give myself a remedy when I’m in this pain?
There’s not always one, when the one you loved is nowhere near.

I don’t know where u are, but u are gone.
Clouded in the disguise of the rush rush fast life
You hide and strive to be busy
To ignore, to not feel

Should I hope that one day I’ll forget you?
Tho I don’t think that will never be
It will never be
Unless my memories go away bc it’s all I have of u.

My sweet darling
I’m trying to get over you.
Trying to get over love.
Trying to get over kindness.
Trying to get over sacrifice.
How do u get over these things?

My j, I’m trying to
I’m trying
Through the tears, and the pain
I’m trying to, I’m trying to

Dream kruger

2/10/14-Monday-I feel like being bad and everything brings it on. If I’m happy i do it, if I’m bored like I am now, I wanna do it, if I miss her I wanna do it, If I’m mad I wanna, if I’m nervous I wanna. I mean like every emotion, every feeling.

Thursday-2-13-
Tho I started w talking bout her, I will write this above what I started writing ab her. I mean it looks bad to start talking ab her when God is due it first. Especially since I started my day w Him. I had a good time praying. I woke up suddenly bc of some “scary” dream. It’s funny now. Lol. It started w something like me and dis other person was carrying like drugs or something bad on a plane. We had a few bags and we didn’t wanna get noticed and caught. We finally made it thru and was heading out the airport. Then the scene changed. We were like in some midst, and moving fast, and seemingly we shrunk in size. (Ahhh. Drivin on a road and remember her. Will it ever go away? Is the pain gonna stop when I’m w my husband? Lord help me. I mean it.) anyways back to the dream…we were moving fast at a smaller size, then I think one of us just disappeared and I was there by myself, then all of a sudden Freddy Kruger popped out. I was like, what! I got so scared!!! Then he started warping into the midst and going in and out, then he seemed to be coming after me, and I woke up saying ,” the blood of Jesus cleanses me.” I woke up scared and breathing heavy and kept repeating that. I checked the time and it said 6:01. It amused me bc I’ve been waking up early all week and I know why:bc God wants me to pray.
So I went right to it! I put the ipad on, and knelt and bowed over to pray. I pulled the cover over me and started praying. My nose was running, I got up many times to get tissue. I cried bc I couldn’t believe how far I was from God. I didn’t know I was so far. I didn’t know when I reached this place. I was so sorry and sad about it.
I thank you God for everything she was to me.

1 part, She gave me food
She bought me a couple shirts when she went to Ross. She bought me a chicken sand which, and fries even tho she has but a few dollars to her name. She got me that egg white delight ash e ordered her bfast. She bought me them bagel w cream cheese at dunkin donuts. She gave me a piece of her sandwich bc I didn’t eat all day. She wud give me her ebt card to buy something for myself.
Gave me chips she was eating to eat w cream cheese. Bought pizza and gave me some.

Can’t even Survive on my own. Mom thinks I’m chilling, no job,and that only j put up w me.

Slippin stress

2/9- ha. I don’t wanna run her down, really. She’s been constantly busy so…ahhh. F it! I was doing good all last week till now. Don’t wanna go back to messing around w her. Man!!!’ Need to push her out my mind, don’t want her apart of me. As I predicted, she’s getting her tax money soon and she will be out and about and all happy. Yep. That’s what tax time is for them. Free money, and spend it all. Yep. She says I shud meet her in ny,lol. Yeah I’ll meet u if I got money like u.
Oooo, I just don’t wanna get back to being negative and hurt and bitter concerning her. I don’t wanna. Let j do whatever she wants. I don’t know why I gotta microscope her or give a damn what she does. Am I jealous? Yeah I guess so. Yeah I want her to do stuff w me but who am I, right? Just an ex, just a few months fling she had 3 years ago.
Ohhhh girl, don’t hurt. Don’t think of her. Forget it. It’s wrong expectations!!! Get that!! She can’t meet ur needs! Can she meet any of them? Eh! Maybe little ones when it’s convenient or if she can .
Ugh, why bother expecting her to meet every need,? Why want her? Why!!!!!!!????? Just stop wanting !!! Stop needing!!! God help me tooooo!!! Shud I focus on money? Shud I do that? It’s like I need something to focus on, lord. Is something wrong w me???

2/10- 845am, help me lord I’m not feeling well today. My feelings are all over. I want a job, I think of her, think of staying in this “good” track but I feel miserable!! I feel annoyed bc of yday. While it was an amazing time at church, it was quickly lost after bc of arguments and tension in da family all evening. I can’t even remember what church was about bc of all the little bitty arguments. Dang it! And that didn’t help me stay focused. I was tryna write j, then she had to go, which annoyed me as well bc she is always so busy and I don’t get no time to talk w her. Then I was writing d for a brief moment bc of her schedule as well!!! And them…oooooo…. Tryin not to curse…., them things annoy me!!!! I know I’m a lot to deal w and that i think too much or ppl say I make too much excuses which is not true, but dang!!! Can anyone deal w me? Ahhh! I don’t wanna get tripped out on this now bc I don’t want it to mess w me today but these things have surely annoyed me and stole piece of the blessing of ydays church. Then my mom added how I’m always on my ipad listening to jb which really pissed me off bc she used something good to argue w me. She doesn’t know how badly I need to stay on point unless I screw up again. Man these ppl!!! They don’t know how serious I gotta stand. God I need to!

2/10-109am- I really not up to no one bothering me. I see dem not talking much to me, but I’m waiting for it! I need to get out of this house! Damn it! I’m supposed to be keeping on track but I’m losing it a little! God please help me! Guess my anger and frustration is an issue to the max, yo!!dang it! Or maybe my social anxiety is acting up! I don’t want nobody bothering me, and I’m around too much ppl for too long. I can’t be around ppl who is always expecting something fr me. Get outta my business and leave me alone! Ugh! This is why I liked over js. At least I cud do my own thing!
I’m getting stressed. Getting real cranky. Don’t want nobody in ma business!