7.30.17

56:53- 😢yea i dont wana hear shit! Why didnt god intrrvene and save my mom for me? Why didnt he answer? Y couldn’t i have my mom? I dint wann stir things hp couns.lets leave it whete it is.

Song has diff meaning

Lol. Dont take this song too serious. Its meant as a romantic song but sure u can twist the meaning. I can twist it to counseling. Haha. I like music so thought to send it. I like this artist. Hes quite relaxing. Im chill tho my email looks cray cray. Hope u have a good weekend and week. Ill try to keep my transference limited. 😉 maybe some basketball will distract me, or be an aversion 😆

7.22.17

357 i need help w this. My attachment to u is bugging me again. Idk what it is im looking for. This one doesnt feel sexual. Just like last weeks one. . Its different and i hate it. Damn!! 

Sat july8,2017

106 am. Coming home after a big church meeting on healing and deliverance. And i feel so attached to u. Idk why. I think its bc of the comfort it brings. And u know i hate feeling attached for fear of abandonment. When the church service start, maybe bc it was highly spanish, i looked arounf for u. I was scared and anxious. I miss her!!!?

7.21.17

I feel sooo angry walking out the front doors. I dont think i should be doing counseling bc i comply and the setting is too good. I cant show my stuff. I cant show the ugly stuff there. 

Im angry that im put into an easy analyzation. Im not! Its not that simple. There are sooo many reasons as to why things are the way they are and why i act how i act.

1248. Am i angry w u? No, I dont think i am. You ARE helping. Uh! Im angry that i cant get to express all thats really happening. Im angry that i didnt bring up some issues. Im angry that i comply or feel afraid there. Im angry that we gotta meet in the same setting. It feels constricting some times. Or maybe its just me and my anxiousness. 

105. I get what i put out? How? I used to wonder WHY is all this bad stuff happening to me when im so good to ppl? Im kind,helpful and funny with my family. Why do they keep hurting me? Im not putting vengenace and hatred out there so why is that being returned? how does that work? Smh. Am i controlling and manipulative to ppl? So why is my dad like that? why do i get it in return?!!! I feel like i tolerate all this garbage but i know i dont deserve it. Sure I need reminders of that bc it feeds on the negativity i tell myself.

I say more thru email bc i obviously cant speak as free when im there. I want a redo of our session but whats the sense of that?! I cant fuxking get it. Yes i know i can have the right answers but i cannot bring them to fruition! Am Iiiii a sex addict? Hmm? Ok. What are my cans that i drag around? What follows me as i look to the good road ahead? Pain, my mom, my insecurity, fear, anxiousness, feeling incapable, approaching a new thing, thinking i might fuxk up!, being intimate w my fam when they ask what im doing, etc etc etc.

131. Why do i need counseling?  This is gonna sound bad. Besides my mind being F’ed up and rigid, i want you to come and help me deal w all the fuxking issues that haunt my life! If u were to be in my mind for one week/one day, youd see the shit i deal with. Haunted by fuxking wanting to screw up my life, haunted that theres no more chances for me, no more redemption of the time ive wasted on how ppl fuxking hurt me, now haunted by the pain of my mom, last week haunted by attachment shit with you, haunted to fuxking stepping out into new territory. Idk how to face this life!!! I fuxking screwed it up already, didnt i???!! What is it to tryyy again?!😏 

Too negative, huh? Is that all u hear? Ok. Yeah! Its what u hear bc i hate how i am!!! Hear the pain! Hear the disgust, hear the destruction of me, bc yep! No self worth is there. Its been chopped down and murdered by everyone else. I try to be positive, like recently and then something comes and im thrown back to hurting.

Just know that i dont like to be put into a box. And why dont i call u? Bc im Hard to deal with. I am NOT an easy person to deal with when im in pain. And yes that image of holding on too tight comes to mind but idk what else to do, couns. What else do i do? I hold tight to all my shit! Idk how to stop being this way. I Am ,however, trying to be better with the things you tell me. But dont put me into a box. Dont think that its a one word escape of “its a choice”, “change wont happen till u change”, “theyre like that bc u allow them” etc.etc. altho those words are piercing, and im not knocking the validity of them bc they do stay in my head, but i dont think its that simple to apply in every situation. 

Like with one issue there can be like a litany of stuff that stands in the way. Example: i dont have time at home for my stuff. Your solution- set boundary, state need. My block- tho ur right,  i dont wanna be in this house w my dad. If i am home, its then that i dont got time for myself. And yes im afraid to tell my sibs what i need bc they might get hurt. Im afraid of hurting them like my mom hurt me w her words and actions so i dont reprimand much. Also i dont like my room. Everything is out of order. I cant work in there. I get distracted. And yes my siblings make me feel rushed and like my things dont matter. All of those things are in the way for that one tiny issue yet im told to solve it by saying one thing.

Brk. Is anything youre saying working for me in counseling ? I guess it might not seem that way but the fact that you fucking care, is probably all thats helping me right now!! And ill take that. I might not be implementing nothing but please dont fucking back out. Please dont! Thats all i need, just stay there w me. 😢 please.

Distraction- U know i see the post it notes up and i dont always believe it so i wanna rip it down, not just bc i nonchalantly want no one to say good things to me, but can u see that i hate myself so much??! Its not just a whimsically, “ooo i wanna ignore you” or what u say; its the pain, the past, and the hold. how i hold on to the shit i think i am. 

Why am i at home? Is it bc i think i deserve this treatment? I guess thats an easy assumption but what if i dont wanna be here but i am? What if it has nothing to do w deserving and more to do with my own incapabilities? What is the fear that we so easily label it as? What if its my wrong choices thats made me be here? What if its my impulsiveness that makes me have no money? What if its fuxking a.d.d. and i cant fuxking concentrate and make a fuxking choice?? What if i know i dont deserve this yet am stuck in it bc i dont got a better job to get more money?  Which then leads to this question, why am i afraid to step out into the “new world”? Is that categorized as, youre just “procrastinating”? When i beg for my mommy(in humiliation), whenever im approaching a new thing, i dont wanna hear that its stupid procrastinating. Call me attached and needing to deal w mommy issues but dont throw that procrastination shit on me. And ppl 

7.17.17

1018pm.its alwats a tug of war w my emotions. I pull u in then distance myself. 

1135. Schedule me bc i dont wanna be scheduled. Yep. If possible, switch my day to wed pls. Ive had some sad weird days. And after tomorrow, which is my day off, im not gonna wanna think of counseling. Im all over the place. I cant get it together. I get anxious, or dont got no time for myself, or wanna fuxk all the time, or just dealing w my freaking distractions, or just overwhelmed, or dont know what i wanna do w my life. Im so tired of this. Idk what to come to u and tell u. I just want to be there bc its stable. Its… idk. Add the transference in there too tho i dont even think thats the right word. Whatever. 

7.16.17

914pm. Like i do everything for them. He easily slides everything my way and i take it. I work full time too and ppl act like i dont need a break. Now i heard him say, we cant tie ____ up.” But u already fucking do!! Some things hes easy to let off the hook but others hes not. Dont these kids see what i fuvking do or is it just that i will do everything?  I even hate my fucking bros attitude nowadays. Hes so fucking forward and dominaring. Yo dont try that shit w me bc u think u grown. Get ur dick down and dont think u know everything. Its one thing yall need to know and that is, fucking respect! Learn to treat ppl w fucking respect!!! Treat ppl like theyre human beings, worthy to listen, worthy of a response, and take the time to consider their needs above urs. U guys take take take and joke on me like im some ass. Like i have no feelings in the world!! And now  told to apologize? Shiiiittt! I need a fucking a break. Still today i couldnt go and fucking hang by the pool!!! Still! Altho i played monopoly w the kids, but still wheres meee time?! Hate this shit. Some things gotta be set up. This shit is gon haywire to the fuck!

7.15.17

904am. The transference is great. And its maybe a negative transference. Well maybe positive and negative transference. I didnt understand when you said that transference strengthens the therapeutic alliance. How does it? I feel bad about it.  I also feel bad, well horrible, about failing with the things that are my bad habits. When i fail spiritually, i feel like shit. It doesnt help my self esteem. And thats the cycle. That’s what keeps me stuck! I am so stuck that i cannot move onwards. 

7.13.17

716am. The morning after working overnight, I feel this weird need for u. Its different this time. Its something more noticeable. Like its in my chest. A sensation like im holding my breath. Idk what it is. Maybe its bc i run to u when things are hard. And right now i think of some of the tasks i need to get done and it feels overwhelming. I see the sun rise and the world awakening and feel anxious bc idk how to get involved in the world or my life. Dang! Whats this feeling? sigh.. im tempted to schedule another appt with the money my real dad gave me. Sigh. See? I cant do this alone. 😣And I dont wanna depend on anyone. Cuz ill need u too much. I need u. 

432pm. I just woke up. Feelin fine, went to the bathroom, came back to lay down and then this weird feeling again of missing you. Damn it! Ugh. What is this?! I see all the post it notes and im reading them and i feel like im entering a new habit, way of life and then i go wanting you. 😑😣 what is that? Im just sooo attached and i dont like this feeling. It worries me bc i know ill be hurt in the end when this ends. I feel sad and alone. Really do. Nobody is home. What do i do? Josh and Bec is in camp the whole week. I wish i was in a relationship. Maybe life wouldnt feel so hollow. 😑

I dont like myself bc i need you. I dont like myself bc i dont know how to form relationships. I dont like myself bc idk how to enter the world. What is this hollow empty feeling as im trying to advance?? Why do i wanna mash it up and go back to this dumb living? 😥. Why is my throat feeling like im gonna cry? Uhhh, these emotions!!! Seems im …. 😣😢… now im crying bc i want my mommy.😢😢 wtf?! can u pleaze not call me bc it’s gonna make me want u more. This is why im try to shut off my emotions from you and in effect be distant to counseling and whatever homework i have to do. Why? Bc i dont wanna think! it gets me crying like this and hurting. I’ll be a basket case if i delve into all my emotions daily, like my mom. I dont wanna be like my mom in that way. But I miss her. And i hate that part of my life that has to deal w this and get over her! I hate confronting this. Shit! I should go play some bball or go fix my car myself!!!       Life! life! Where are you??!!

641pm. Forcing myself out of the house. Still feel like crap. Idk what this life is. What Is in the forefront of my mind? Not a damn thing! I dont remember that i wanna go to school. I dont remember why im working. Idk why im doing what im doing. Where is that dream again? Why is this sadness reoccuring every now and then? This deadness! Why do i yearn for new york when i know it wont be the same without family there?!! Why yearn for it? I need to adapt to orlando. I feel lost. Lost in all this. I feel afraid again as i need to fix my old car and give my dad my sisters car. Like i hate all this unsurety. I look around outside, and theres nothing here. Nothing excites me couns. Physically im fine, nothing hurts. Im not hungry, not tired. So why am i feeling all this? And ppl wonder why i do porn and all dem stuff?!! Its bc i dont wanna feel this shit! This realization of my F’ed up life! and the fear of facing it! What is 35?! Why cant iiiii get it together already?! My sister is making it and everyone else. What IS my life?!! Im not 18, bursting out and wanting life. Im not 25, mature and having plans to dominate my world. Im 35 and scraping the floor trying to get up! My 35 is bored, cynical, hurt, tired, hopeless, depressed(i hate that word) and mentally struggling to live, hope and do. Ive gone thru all the feelings of the ages; desiring and excitement yet still i havent produced anything. still a failure. Ive wasted the time, ive wanted the relationships, ive dreamed the dreams, ive gotten the hurt fr fam, ive smiled and took it fr my fam. Ive did my schooling. Ive tried to stay out of trouble. what else do yall want me to be desperate for? I dont know what else to seek! My moms gone and i feel fucked up about that!!!😢😢 So what do i do? I come to counseling bc my friends think im not handling it fine. Theyre right. Counseling is the only gotdamn good thing in my life that im doing!!! 😢 but what now?? What nowww? Call u in my distress? Idk. Sigh. Idk. Im pretty tough headed when it gets like this. I dont want no one talkin me outta feeling the way i feel bc its justified and i dont think otherwise!!! Why fight me out of feeling angry or sad when its called for?! Its actually the only time when i feel something enough for some kinda change, no? Who am i otherwise? Nonchalent and compliant?! How does that serve me? It doesnt!

656pm. Driving and i turn on the music to drown out all these feelings. I know thats not the right thing to do but what else can i? Listening to music is like my best friend when i have no one. I wanna call j but why? She never gets me when im like this anyway. Shes always saying to chill and relax when that doesnt even help! It just gets me more angry and distant. Anyways Im always the baby, needing ppl. So i should back off and F it! Ill do it myself. Why do i come to counseling? Doesnt this prove i need to?

July 12,2017

335pm. Wed. Thanks. There was alot of info. U hit on alot. I agree w what u say. And yea it seems i speak with apprehension and wild hopes but no action. 😏 im sorry. I wish theres more i can produce. I feel like i need to be consumed w basketball or just something else from letting me feel this way. .brk. 340. I am not important except when i come there. Thays why i come. I come to face my shit.