April 29,2016

Here sitting w a at Bstudy waiting for the others and I feel so anxious and weird. Like I texted d saying I can’t do this w ppl. It feels so weird. Like the holy spirit comfortability isn’t here.
Break as she picks up the phone for her bf. Sloppy bstuddy.
Break. Its now midnight. Everyone’s left. I’m in my beach chair, chilling after eating the rest of my chicken and bacon sub. But more so relieved that everyone left. My nerves was up this time.
It was a really weird Bstudy . a…
Break to clean up dog poop. Anyways yea I’m texting my two friends and its all encouraging but the process was nerve racking. Like they came 2 hours late and then I had another friend here where she was just talking and talking and things felt shallow. Like I wanted to worship like how we do over D’s. I craved it.
And maybe that’s how I’ll explain this. Like I miss d. I miss her unashamedness to worship . y? Bc it was lacking here. Ppl were looking around, on cell phones, like what’s that? Then some went off on a different path talking and the ‘ message ‘ wasn’t even started yet.
And also internally I was too anxious. Just not feeling the holy spirit vibe w a. Like idk . like do they get it? Tho we struggling w the individual time, it is still that, the individual time that must be done.
U can preach and preach but if u don’t start applying it then what’s the sense?you’ll be a baby getting bottle fed. Hmm!
I just miss d. Miss her leading worship. Miss her authority when she teaches and of course when she prays.
Ohhh . eyes tired. Lemmg go.

April 26,2016

Its been a long crazy day and I don’t wanna write . I just stumbled on.
But to shorten it, my friends fr Bstudy shared more w me. The guy in the marriage started texting me, spilling his feelings thru cursing rage and anger. He then said he was gonna kill the sisters and the guy who his wife cheated on. I was w the wife, we were worried, driving and speeding to one of the sisters’ house to prevent whatever. It never happened tho, at least not today. I heard a lil of the guy talking and he was so tired and pissed. I believed him that he wud kill them & himself. Thank god it didn’t happen . I don’t wanna go visit him in jail or in a coffin. I just wish he would stop this part of himself. Don’t go killing ppl now. Come on. Ur a father to two young kids. IDC if ur wife cheated for a year on u. Get it together and be a man and own up to ur emotional affairs for 5yrs and decide or rather cool off ur shit then come back and decide what y’all doing. Work it out, exhaust it, counsel it, trial run it, and keep going.
I am tired. I saw d twice this week already and its just Tuesday. Now I wonder if there will be Bstudy this Friday? I wish, let’s see tho. My predicament? Hmmm. ..   Nope bc “it was a rough week and we all need to stay back and think about our actions and the things inside of us that’s causing us to lash out the way we do.” Ha.
Ahhh. My eyes are tired . I wish I had a job, working some money to be this tired. I ain’t the extreme tired, it’s just I feel my eyes hurting some.
Anyways that’s mostly what happened.
Oh also wanna put my error of spilling to my sibs about what happened. I should have never gave any hints or warnings bc they’re still joky joky and don’t see the relevance of things. Then my other sister joined the band wagon saying I need to stop pushing up into ppls business. Ha. Wtf?! I shudda said that . but of course it all catch mi off guard. I did respond tho and we arguing, she walk off, and nobody heard much. She Lemmy talk and I heard her but its all stupidness. Stay to ur side and treat ur friends like crap and see how u don’t have any. Leave me the hell alone should be my motto. Y am I forgetting this?!!
That’s y I like my anger a bit bc it stand up to bs like this. I don’t gotta explain nothing to anyone of uno! And I shouldn’t have budged. I shudda kept my mouth tight friggen lipped. My lil sister there itching to know, yo calm ur nerves! U don’t need to know. Its big ppl business. U eva hear dat?! Is not everything u have to know!
Anyways I’m tired. Bye

April 25,2016(3rd)

Wow!! So shocked to hear my bible study friends are in trouble, as in they both cheated. At least that’s what it sounds like. I was like shocked yo! Wow. I imagined him, but not her Cuz she was always happy go Lucky. damn the things ppl hide. And they got two small kids.
Break, 30min/hour.
I wanna write d some more. For what? Idk. I just dk how she does it. Both our situations are dire . and still I don’t think she knows the extent of mine. What would that prove? Idk. That’s its really serious, that something needs to be done. I mean, ok, weeks/months pass by& we are to be ok with it? Cray cray. But ok.
D acts so chill and unmoved.
Break 30 sec
I’m thinking, I may not sound as worst as my friends’ problem, but guess it could be? Am I trying to be? No. Its just who

April 25,2016(2nd)

I don’t think d knows the seriousness of my texts & situation. She did write back the same day, just a couple hours after so Yea I’m thankful, but hmmm..   Tho the reply was good, I still dk if she knows how serious I am. I’m entertaining the circumstances around death, who and what I’m gonna text before . one thing tho, she keeps hoping. Her text was encouraging. Saying to “be relentless, push back against the enemy, don’t be his accomplice, to do the reading, praying, fasting and I will get a breakthrough.” I mean, Yea it sounds so hopeful, but I’m wondering does she know how bitter and angry I am? And at the same time, does she know how passive and hidden I can be? I’m calm right now.
Break for these kids

April 25,2016

Can I please just say I hate this fucking house!!! I’m trembling a little bc I’m here arguing w my dad looking like a damn fucking fool!!! We argue about everything! I don’t want shit fr him .he talk ab starbux as if its a joke. Ooooo! He’s such a cruel man. Then he was about to talk ab the patty I was eating and I stopped him, then he backed up and whatever. He went back in his room and said I was a pain.shit head. I’m calm now too. Not trembling or breathing. Whatever fuck his ass! I dont even wanna go to church w them no more. For fucking what? See days like today is the reality I love. Why? Bc this is the real shin dig! This is the real shit!!!!! Yes this morning I laid in bed till 11, off and on sleeping , off and on mb. Yes I am that dirty shit!!!! Yes I accept it! And yes all the fucking got damn time it is my fault for getting kicked out! Yes everybody use it. And yes xo and I had our feuds, but why the hell u bringing up some journal y’all sneaked into without my permission to use against me!!!???!!!!! Yo shut the fuck up!
Break. Yo I shud get kicked out. Yep. Diff thought prior… I’m either too passive or too aggressive.
Shut the fuck up or leave me the hell alone. You don’t gotta do nothing for me! But don’t do something and then argue ab it. You mention the loans,the car bc Bstudy was canceled.
I don’t think I should be here. Me and my dad can’t get along. I hate this shit. Is this a fucking moment?!!! So ignore ppl when they talk?! Pick up the kids and shut the fuck up! Oh and whatever. And ur brother and sister don’t even wanna talk to u bc …. Idk what he said.then he said he gotta run all this operation. As if I’m putting all the bills on him. Yo suck my dick!!!!! Then he said he’s supporting me. Yah! And I’m the shit ass rag doll for that! Yo saying u wanna live my life? Ha. You can’t Cuz you wudda dead. You all would a fucking die w all this emotional stress. I gotta live my life trying to defend myself against fake conditional mean condescending disrespectful asses!!!! That’s what I gotta do. Oh and have my little siblings joke on me.
Fuck.

April 23,2016

Here’s the thing. ( after him quickly bringing up or upset that i didnt take the job next door)
I dont wanna hear shit from you! Tears fill my eyes and I’m mad bc I’m wondering why I gotta hear and follow ur fucking damn shit?! Why?! Why the fuckong hell?! Then I’m also wondering, why I gotta sit down with you to hear u tell me about jobs again. Am I a fucking child?!! U said u had to ask God to cool u down when u heard that I told the lady that I’m not available for the job. So what?! So, what the fuck?! I don’t want a daycare job. Now shut ur damn fucking mouth. I move on my own accord, not saying I eliminate God, but I don’t move according to what u or my sister says. Yo back the fuck up off of me!!! I don’t gotta listen to you drill me about jobs, or have u talk to me in any way!! Don’t talk to me bout no jobs. First off ur mad disrespectful and controlling. Wait. U also say ur enabling me. Haha. A weh u learn dat deh new word from?!! A mussy ur family. Bc u ain’t enabling me nigger! U disable me more than anything! I gotta leave in ur house and hear ur fucking shit so don’t get it twisted! Stop listening to everyone and then using ur cock full of power to come boss me the hell around! 😭 I need help😟 I hate this man and don’t want nothing to do with him. Don’t speak to me like that. I don’t want nothing fr u. I shouldn’t even take ur money, ur phone, ur car or nothing. I don’t want u to hold nothing over my damn fucking head!!!
Break” cooling down” but now I wonder for what?! So ppl will take step over u again?! What if I kept this rage going? Wouldn’t that topple over ppl when they try there shit w me?! Especially these talk down, better than u ppl? They should leave me the fuck alone!!? Everybody close ur damn ass mouth and leave me the fuck alone!! Where were u when I graduated? Where were u as I prayed or was down on myself for what I chose as a major? Now u wanna dip ur mouth in on my life? Yo fuck off! I’ll sort my life out myself, and ohhh please dont bring up my mom!! Please leave her outta of it Cuz I’m gonna blow up on ur ass. Shit man.
Sigh. Hate this. Just leave me the hell alone.
I’m finding out I can’t live here. Everything will be a fucking issue! Just like I bust my ass to wash dishes so I dont hear his mouth…😭😭… Don’t cry come on….shit…(wipe my tears running down)… Breathe… I bust my ass so I don’t hear him or to comply to ‘ my daddy’ but fuck it yo! Nigga don’t say nothing! The kitchen could be clean, like it was last night and this morning, which I washed up some pots and cleaned up.you think you’d hear something nice. Nope!!! But if it was dirty, you’d hear his mouth . and I think he was still arguing, Yea ab why the TV is on, why isn’t his food covered, all this nonsense shit! Winding down. Lord I need outta here.
I was thinking or hoping to stay here so I can save money and pay off my loans and get a house, but this?!!! This ain’t worth it. He’s gonna drive me nuts. My blood pressure already up, and anger is a constant when I deal w him.

April 21,2016

I’m hurting so bad but I’m laying down and breathing and tryna cool down. I’m cryingbor wiped my eyes out of overwhelming fury or whatever. Stress. I gotta do all this shit for what? For him? To be treated like shit by fucking him?!!! He calling demanding this and that. Yo who the fuck he think this is?! About “do u hear me”?! Ur a real shit head!!! A real fucking manipulator shit head!! Calling me laying down what I gotta do tomorrow then next week arguing how I ain’t doing shit w my life and telling me ‘u gotta figure it out’. Yo back the fuck up and don’t even try to tell me what to got damn do! What I need to do is not cuss ur fucking ass out and leave u in this shitttt! I am so fucking angry d. So angry. My anger hurts. If something happens to me, know it’s my anger that caused it. Idk how much more my body can withstand. 😭
Break 1 min. Stupid. I gotta run upstairs to hide my tears bc of this shitty man?! I’m so not happy. All my happiness is gone along w my dreams of life. That 18 yr old dreamer , happiness is gone. Don’t come tell me s that u go thru hard shit too, yo stay over ur side of town and do u. Nobody has gone thru what I’ve gone thru under the use parents, restraint, yelling, pressure, circumstance of being the older sibling, addictions, step dad, real dad problems, abuse problems, accent problems, fear problems, etc as me!!! So don’t come try that shit!!!

April 19,2016 (3rd)

I’m pissed straight across the board. I look in the mirror and my face looks big and I’m so angry. Idk what to study, and how to get outta this mess. Yes I think of my mom and Want her?!!! Is that a fucking crime?!!! I’m crying but wiped my eyes w the pillow. I feel like I’m gonna blow so I stopped writing and wanna post psycho posts on fb. Well just random posts.
Break 1-2 min.
I dont want xo. I don’t write to her my feelings. Things are mostly one sided. And I don’t say what I want bc I’m trying to “just listen”. Weird bc that’s the same thing I want fr d but she ain’t doing that. She keeps offering solutions just like k!!!
Break 30sec.
Supposed to be practicing guitar. Now how do I do that with this much anger?! Sing to Jesus with this much anger? How does it work? Huh? How does it work?! I can hear pjc sermons as I did today, bc he’s sensitive, but how the world does it all mesh w my life? (Heaving). Ok cool down . Cuz I’m thinking its me. I c( wipe tear), I (break to text r)… Was saying I’m the problem and suicide flickered bc if I’m supposed to withstand all of this, yet I CONSTANTLY CANT, then wtf is wrong then!!!! Do I gotta move heaven and earth for things to change? Wthell do ppl want?!!  Everything I say is an excuse. Oh and no, what my sdad or sister says will not be fuel for me!! I’m not gonna wake up and have them as my fucking drive. I don’t live for them!!
Break 1 min.
A moment?! Wthell is that? Go thru this shit, hurt like hell and cry, then go to church wed, thu, sun to sing and act like ur all fine?!!! How does that shit work?! Cuz I don’t get it. The songs are all good and dandy but meee!! don’t belong there.
Wait. Just remembered, i wished or a thought went by today of how i wanted some worship time w d. Now look at all this. :(((
But yeah, how am I to keep on bearing? ‘N’ disappeared, so did my aunt fr Canada, k stopped writing, D’s done, xo is like one sided and like it ain’t thrilling me to share w her. So there’s no one. Back at it again!!!
Break 1_2, and kinda, no? I don’t want sex. Xo rejects me, I get in trouble for wanting it so now, I’d rather not bc its a bandaid, not a cure .
Tho I’m so hurt and pissed now, that I’d go for it to suffice. Fall in asleep. Shit.

April 18, 2016(2nd)

Listen to him(sdad), pissed that he comes in and the house is dirty. saying to himself, That it can hold until it overflows”. fucking what?!!! Shit I hope u don’t put me in that bitch. I tell u, I can’t handle this. It tipping for me too, Cuz wasn’t it today that he called mad at me bc my bro went to church and he didn’t know?!!! Then I eventually found out that they talked and he forgot and its cool. Oh yeah?!! After IIIII just fucking got mad?!! And having my lil sister look at me as some angry stressed out person all the time?!! Thats all how she looks at me. Fucking damn it!!! I told her something like, if I pull myself out of all this then there wouldn’t be any arguments. Yes I was angry and tired of him arguing at me. Then why I gotta look like the bad guy?
That’s another thing I should talk to d about, that I’m furious over my dad, its spilling over to my siblings and I can’t hold the dam anymore.& I’m always looking like the bad guy.
The sin isn’t a good place and neither is this here. No Bstudy but busy as hell. Fighting over gas every fucking week for one fucking year while all them niggas on my ass about a job. Don’t ask if what they’re saying isn’t true d!!!! It aint about that!!! Its about their leprositic conditional love& acceptance .they treat u like dirt unless u do what they say. how is that depending and needy d?!!!! How!!!!! Then oh Yea today after the incident w my sdad, I got so pissed I said, what’s all this church for?!!!!!! If I’m furious at my dad and cussing and all that?!!! I am too angry. I don’t got it all together. I clearly don’t got no memory. Nothing sticking. Bearing it all. I hate it!!!!

Fri April 15,2016

I feel so distant. In the car listening to Taeyangs love you to death. But zapped and tired a little , not much bc Bstudy is cancelled again. I mean d called and told me so that was cordial and nice but I was scowering after tryna find somewhere to go. I’m so bad . I’ll get so desperate and text everyone. I am so empty and got no life. And then it comes to me again, why am I chasing Bstudy? Its not like I’m living right!!!! So what’s the sense?!!! Everything!!!! What’s the sense of church week in and out if I’m a mess in my personal and professional life???!! I dont even have a career life. I don’t got a job for fucking three damn years!!! That is crazy and I can’t even recognize it!!! Why was I in such a fog?!!! Soooo much went down in the past three years. I HATE IT!!! lost my sister and mom’s!!! Ahhh! 😠😠😠😠
Breathe.
But personally I’ve fallen flat on my face. Fucking everybody sees it. Even when my mom was alive I wasn’t doing nothing. Idk what’s up with my fucking head!! I can’t think thru things and I’m not moving and I’m stuck, always dealing w something.  Shit man! So anyways now, Yea I’m seeing now but still not moving forward. Still lagging.
Ugh
I can ok, kinda accept that I don’t have any life, no husband, no kids, no life, but I can also say I can use that energy for studying and a career but …. I don’t even know what to study. What do I throw myself into? I can’t even figure that out! Shit. Smh. (Listening to Slow burning by john mayer) I need a life yo. A life I’m proud of and wanna live. I don’t wanna be bouncing around fr job to job. And I don’t wanna be keeping busy for the sake of avoiding the demons. I need to get over my ish!