4.28.17

4.28.17

1230pm. Im sorry, forgive me. 

625pm. What now song. Im alone now driving. I dont wanna be bc these things come back up. The thoughts about my life, counseling .yes ur right i go to the quicksst thing to help me. Y? Bc i need it to!yes i like the conflict w us

1220amOk inprocr

1228. Ok i cant control my life. I hold on to perfection and cant let go. Finance went down.

1229. Idk what love is anymore . I havent been w anyone in a while or often enough.😣😑i hate sex. Why obsssess over it? Who needs ppl?😑

1240am. Still upset w tears at procr. Music  loud driving fast, britney. Im losing it. Shud i say u win? Why does this bug me so much?!! I was tryna chill today and did it for the most part till now late at night as i drive home alone. Fuxk!

784.27 pt2 droving to metrowest to home

447pm. And i do all of ur homework!! What r u talking about? Now im a great student. U tell me what to do and i do it! Ive written out the i am statements not that i believe it every moment, like i dont right now!!

Brk. 450. And i like my anger bc its then u do see something bc this nothingness that comes out of me all the time. At least its some  kinda emotion. Ay least now. I dont like when its destructive .

452. Now i dont want u to like me  dont have notbi6ng to do w me . Is that what u wanna hear?

454. I dont want fucking weak ppl to deal w me. This is as thinking that i need to meet ash and sebass.

456. Wthell does that mean? U never know what will happen in the future? U and i know you guys end the therapist relationship. It ends!

500. I need to relax bc i feel ill lose u.

501. Sabatage? Yea just leave like the others. Rosa did that in ny. And no, i dont sit and think of all that left but i KNOW who left. Or why do i even care? Yea d and j stays but they stay at a distant. I see it.

506. My head hurts. I feel disgusting!i hate  myself! 

509. Fuck i think im losing it all. I dont wanna be too much for u. Thats why i dont  send all the emails. Bc im bad and ill be too much .

512. Y do i gotta write to my mom? Shes fucking gone!!😢dont bring up my mom. Its hard again. Ive thought about her all week and idky. 

526 losing my mind yes. Is this what im to send u? Do emdr every session bc idk how to break down unless i close my eyes. Right now i dont like myself. Wait, did i eat today? Damn. I wanted to see j right after session bc i was so angry. Weird that I reach for her. I thought i stopped all of that a long yime ago. Repression ? Yea emdr all day

532 so u think im not real to myself? U think i dont wanna admit im procrastinating or lazy? Ha. Tell me straight forward what ur thinking and what u wanna say. Id rather it direct!!! Tell me i cant play rachmaaninoff and ill play that shit.

535. I drive fast and drink alot of coke. Ha. 

536. And with Add! I see how im so fucking hype and cant get shit done! I see how things  gotta be in order for things to get done  right first! Its not fucking lazingess 😢Its not bc i dont want fucking help!! Its bc i dont want mind alterring drugs. I dont take meds for nothing. I want to heal naturally to the best that we humans can do, not disregarding the necessary doctor appointments or treatments. 

541pm. Just came fr a conference of godly things to this mess. U should see me in both words so u can see the madness in my head. Many times i feel like just throwing my faith out but i cant do it. If i wrote both the ugly and good, what would u think? Would u ever tell me its psycho? When will i know the truth? Will a counselor be truthful?

Tired of jnb joke. Tired of the poppy show for my sibs. Im broken and down why do i gotta show happiness? Tired of my games.

548. Drive w me. I told u id pay u for the day! Fuck i cant do this in one session, i cant feel that quick! Nor do i always wanna be in that office!!

554. I want someone to meet me at my fucking anger!! I sent this to j.

Coming home after js.

1042pm. Ill sit on the floor w a hoodie and i dont want u sitting on the floor w me. Dont sit on the floor w me!!!!!

1047. Sean paul 139. I want u to get tired of me like my friend in ny. Get tired of me. Ill send enough emails of this madness so u can give up . Ive been telling u that its too much. J said i was so hype today and had an attitude. 

4.27.17

U got angry w me? In a way i want that bc im always too much for ppl. So unconsciously, i dont care!!

What i tell u is truth!!! Its not made up!!! I dont care if its incongruent!!! It is whats in my head. Dont tell me to make sense of it when it is what it is!! It is not just procrastination!!!. Damn it! Cant ppl understand that?!!! It is not just procrastination! 

Today was fucking nerve racking. And no! I guess i cant face this messy email person!!! I guess i cant do it. Maladaptive?? Ok. It is what it is, tho i hate saying that bc its fucking cliches!! I hated today bc ur not getting what I’m saying. Im am spilling myself to u. I dont care if it doesnt match the books. Somethings wrong. Im not just procrasticating. My anxiety is not always brought on by thoughts. Ok some are, like you showed me, but most of it isnt. Ok got that part ms suarez. But everything i say to u, is like it is. I know myself. U see me explain it in email. I explain it all thru email or in person. It is a huge risk to look like an idiot in front of u!! I hate this!

Break 5 min.

Its days like this where id do 2 sessions back to back with a ten minute break between just so u can see my responses.

Right now i feel so angry but its going down tho i wish it didnt bc its then, when im pissed, that i can get into the real issues. Yes my anger has a purpose. 

So is this what you want? All of me? Why??? I already know how disgusting i am. That “3 days bad and 4 days good” isnt a world u want. It isnt a world i want!! I dont wanna tolerate it.

Ha. And to say im not accomplishing my goals bc i want counseling to continue????? What the hell?!!! Its an interesting twisted concept but am i reduced to that? Yea i still struggle with you but dag! Am i that bad?! Wow! Hmm. So im not accomplishing my goals bc i wanna see u every week? Ha! Thats a good one. It might be a ‘future’ thought but its not what im thinking right now. Its actually an absurd and angry feeling to think of that statement. It makes me not wanna have any affection towards u bc u think thats why im staying in this fucking mess of a life. ur my temptation but not so much till i procrastinate my whole damn life!!!! I hope im not that pathetic! I want ppl to care but not at the expense of my advancement. The reasons are what ive told u!!! Anxiety, fear, feeling overwhelmed, self destructiveness, NEGATIVE thinking, LOW self esteem, lustful desires, falling short of my faith!!! These are all the answers to anything youre trying to figure out!!!!!!! There is no other agenda!!! Oh and that idk how to express myself! Those are all my weaknesses!! Fix those,target those and then ill be better!! Idk how to express myself thats why u cant see the pain. “Speaking” is different that showing pain. Idk how to show pain. 

Fix myself? Thats what i feel ur saying. Interesting concept but idk if i always like that. How do i trust my ha, fucking anger? How do i trust that? How do i fix myself, when myself justifies my anger! When i cant push back my anxiety? When myself finds reason to be super impatient, frustrated?? How do i fix myself when myself justifies its pain?!!!!!!

Here Tricia! fix urself. Ok. Yeah I’ll fix myself with all the things idk how to!! Yes im angry. And i didnt wanna get angry w u. You shudnt let me get angry w u. Im not being difficult in session to get u mad, im asking questions to try to understand. To understand!!! Just repeat even if youve said it before.  Just repeat and repeat and repeat! Maybe i cant get it quick enough like other ppl.

Like right now a thought comes to me of, i told u to spend a day w me so u can get to the root of all this, but then i thought, u dont wanna have nothing to do with me!! How do i correct that damn lie?!!! How?!!!! Fuck!! Just fuck it and leave it Chris! I cant figure it out! I cant figure out why im not doing nothing. Maybe i dont want my life. Then again the reasons change every fucking season! So there! Does that fit? Theres always something in the damn fucking way. is this good enough for u?! I said u were nice and i dont wanna let u into my horrible world. Fuck. I hate all this. What am i even tripping about?… and negativity pops up. Just screw this and chill. Chill?  Yep that targets my anxiousness. But it doesnt bc its avoidance. I cannot manage myself, thats why im there at counseling!! I dont get how that works?!! Go to counseling to fix ur own self??? What kinda shit is that? 

Now im sounding more disrespectful so ill stop there. What i know and ive seen is that i cant control my “bad” self. It always controls me. It wins most of the time. Positive thinking? Nope. Tho im about to chill and forget all this shit. That’s a dumb ass move but what else should i do to avoid the pain? 

Dont edit? Sounds good but also bad bc non editing is gritty and raw. 

4.22.17

U say to not worry about u and that u can handle it. Ok so what if i wrote every day? When would enough be enough? What if i cant control myself? What if everyday its something?  Who can deal with that? Today im anxious and feel so driven. Ever since yesterday my brains just going and going. My minds on you sometimes and on my craven nature. There goes that word again. I feel like all the initial emails i sent u were more right on. I dont want to ignore those. They all have meaning and seem to be reappearing as i feel stressed out. I hate sounding like a baby. I hate the attention on me all the time. Maybe its a negative day or days where i just dont want yall to care. I told jackie and dionne the same thing, that i dont deserve their kindness. I know thats driven by fear. I am sooo afraid. 😢 and that fear is an experience.  All the words i write are actual experiences. Theyre not just words, but feelings and emotions behind it. I dont just write to write. From yesterday to today, ive been on such a high. I cant even sleep. My mind is just thinking. I wanna be in a relationship. I want someone like u. There that goes again. Why am i fixated on you, as “yall” would say? Idk. Nor do i wanna cheapen it by saying its just a fixation. Whatever. I dont really wanna talk about that. My issues will always be there. It sometimes feels like my head is steeped into all things sexual. I know i need to see that other counselor u were talking about. I know. I need to get some more money. I also dont know how well thatll be bc idk if much ppl can understand the two worlds i live in, of this high faith at times, to this low degrading lustful life that i play around with in my head. Thats why i dont want ur care. I am not loveable. Look at what i do?!! 😢 i dont even respect u in my mind. Thats NOT good! 😢 you are kind and nice to me. Always encouraging me. For what?!!!!!!! For what?!! Im not producing anything! You say resilience and i wanna laugh. Y? Bc theres NO resilience! I am just bearing it all. Thats it. Or just trying not to shoot my brains out or anybody else’s! I am a coward in my own life! Maladaptive thinking? Well idk what else u guys want! Speak positive? Ok. Well maybe im used to the pain and not the happiness!. Every time i get happy, that stabbing pain will come again from someone and kill all my hope. Happiness doesnt last long and im surely screwing it up with my frustrated anger at everything. 

4.22.17 prt1 transference detail

Fri 4.28.17. 757am 

Read this friday morning and im disgusted reading it. Maybe bc i dont wanna care about u anymore but more so bc im angry. I dont want anyone to love me. If they cant manage me then whats the sense? Its so pathetic ..

Plus all this stuff is such unreality. Its all up in my head and nothings real. I can wish and wish and not get any damn thing. Whats the sense of imagining about u when i know where u stand?? Plus right now i dont want nobody touching me. Nobody dont gotta do shit! Thats ur transference for u. Bc just like yday j didnt wanna give me a hug. Ok fine! Everyone stay far then. Go on. Cuz im da fucking homosexual that everyones scared of. Ok got it guys!! Ill leave you guys alone. Bc im not a fucking idiot!! Ok?! 😢 anyways. There. Read this awful email . And no i dont wanna hear about everyone fantasizes. Cus that don’t get me what i want or curb my desire. Tho right now i dont give a shit about wanting anyone. No one approaches me or seems to want me in a sexual sense anyway! Soooo wtfuxk Am i reallllyyyy doing and desiring ppl for???!!!! Damn it!!! Even more motivation to go to school so i can ignore all this shit and put my energy into some book work. 

Yes. Im so angry and hurt over this. I know im blocking ppl out. I know. But i dont get what i imagine or fantasize about, so?! F it! Screw it!😣😢

Break. 5 min. Crying 😢😢😢😢 i dont wanna cry alone. Im trembling. I just want my mommy. I dont want nobody else to care just give me my mom. 😢 yday evening i found out fr my dad that they put a headstone on both graves. 😣 what does that mean now? Its so final. Do i gotta go up there and look at it? I dont wanna visit that place. 😢 my chest. 

_______

817.am. brushing my teeth and crying. Idk how these kids want me to dress . Am if slighting them? Ok. Im a procrastinator. Ok. Im lazy 😢😢. Is that what u want me to say?! Fuxk!!!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

539am. I wanna fuxk u cs! Thats what i want. I want u to do everything in that email fr november. Come go out w me! I want u to like me. But I dont wanna force u. I want u to come and make a move. You turn me on sooooooo damn much. Your intellect and fun side is what turns me on. Come! I won’t tell anyone. Im not gonna let u lose ur license. I just want at least 1-2 nights w u. It would be the highlight of my life to be with u. Y? Bc ur powerful and smarter than me . I want to be taken by u. But besides all that power shit, i liked u initially bc of ur spunk and intellect! Just do therapy on me on the bed. Itll sure be some therapy bc like u said, im salivating for a good touch. I crave it so much. I havent been in any relationship besides J’s and that ended in 2010 well one time in 2011. And before that, i had no one for decades. Come be with me. I want u. Just lay w me one night. Don’t be scared and anxious. Just be as relaxed and touch me. Let me love u. Let me kiss u. Can u try to love me? I want sex with u. I want to be fucked by u. I want to make love to u. I want to pleasure u the most bc i wanna be the best youve ever had in ur life. I wanna hold u in ecstasy! I wanna hear you moan. I wanna hear u say my name as i pleasure u. I wanna be touched by you! Nobody else but you cs!! Come on, just do it. Approach me and love me bc i want you soo bad that its driving me insane. Please come to me and accept this. Just open urself to me. You are beautiful and amazing!! Fuck me for 6 months ! Just come be w me. I wont tell. I want you. Consent to me. Its mutual consentment. No harm bc im begging u. I want u!!!  Say yes. Its not marriage its just come be with me and give me what i want; you! Come! Lets go to a hotel and u can chill and i can give u whatever you like. Im an amateur but u can teach me ur shit! Why does all of this feel in vain?!

4.21.17

As the light shines, im gonna fuck it tup.

234. I hate mans fucking control of me. Im gonna work so i dont gotta depend on man.

1015.  I want u to push me away cs. 

1059pm.home and “relaxed”. Hyped tho. Hyped all evening. So u say i shouldnt worry about u? Unload on u for what? I dont think u can handle it anyway. Bc i can write u like everyday. Would that be acceptable? No. I want all my questions answered in all my emails. Is that gonna be done? No. So what do youll want? Im hype at times and mellow at others. Thursdays seem to always be those mellow days. I told u already, that i come there too chill. I actually cant wait to get angry and call u. Idk y. I guess i want to see what will happen. Tho i know im impossible in those situations. I should advise everyone to not say a word and leave me alone. Idk. This evening has felt bonkers. I feel like i cant control myself. I am desperately wanting to be with someone. All this sexual stuff FILLS my mind and i cant always chill when i wanna. Like i want what i want! But then cant get it! Like i get so obsessed as yall may call it. Idk what will satisfy me. You ask about my life? My life is just stagnant. It goes nowhere Christina. It goes nowhere! Sure im better with not being as negative but i still aint doing what i need to, in a quick manner. I crawl. Im barely doing anything! I let it all slip by. Maybe im not important to myself or maybe the real issue is i let my dad win. I comply to all his fucking rules, so here i am; complying and trying to not get in an argument w him. Complying by picking up my siblings fr school and not using ALL my time for me and getting another job or sorting myself out. Brk 1 min. I reaffirm what everyone says about me! Happy?! My mother made me hate myself. (Tho i dont wanna bring her up or blame her.) But I destroy my life Christina. I act like i dont want it. Idk if i do. Im living it but idky. Im just measily hanging on. Sounds pathetic, but its true. Resiliency?! Naw i dont got none of that. Perfectionism? Yea or something like that. I dont agree that i should be living like this. I dont like it nor want u to approve of it. Do i want ur scolding? Idk. Not like i listened to my mothers scolding anyways. She would constantly be on me about my life yet i never did what she wanted. She would shout, she would be soft sometimes but i never moved in the right direction. So pushing me doesnt help. I usually defy what everybody says. Dont put me in a box. I hate when ppl think they know who i am. I dont want nobody to tell me what to do. That used to be how i was, but idk if im like that, as much, now.  I wanna do things bc IIIII wanna do it!! Brk. But not even that is working out bc look at me!!! Doing absolutely nothing! Ive been a lil angry at myself today. Angry at my desires for women and relationships! Angry at the drive of lust and madness at how im not in a relationship. I cant find what i want. Does my negativity help? Sorta. Am i thriving off of it? Yeah. Why? Bc what else is new?! Id rather just say things like how they. Shouldnt i be honest? U say u can handle it. And it seems like im throwing up my hands and wanting to sabotage this therapy relationship we have. Yea thats some honesty. Does honesty save the day? Idk. Has it helped in the past? Somewhat. Today like other days, ive struggled with you. Your still in my mind and i cant always get it out. I dont think i deserve u. I dont show u respect if i have these thoughts in my head. I dont think im a good person.

1139pm. They say its time for bed but i aint tired. 

1144pm. So can i push you away? Can i just sit with you and not talk? Or Can i wear a hoodie, hide, and only text to talk w u? Does that show how shamed i am of everything? I dont wanna be seen. I come to counseling feeling nothing. Ive told u this already. What should i do to show u this much emotion? U cant get me angry. So What works?

I tweeted on a private account, that “youre so close and im so afraid.” I felt so afraid this evening as i was thinking about the session. Scared that im getting comfortable and that youre near to the things in my life. Then the thought came to sabotage this good thing bc i fear when you”ll leave. You say all these nice things but then youre gonna be gone too. Arent you?! Idk how ill stand alone. I never do good w that. 

Idk how to go out into the world alone. I cant make it. I fear the outside world and all the ppl in it. I cant speak like them and i cant relate to them. I stay to myself. I cant do the small talk. Im not too social. How do i make it if im so scared of it? 2nd grade!😣 i need emdr on that, altho i dont think i can go back into feeling all that stuff. Ive been so numb for the past few weeks. 

I dont wanna think and feel these stresses. I wanna go online and find someone to be with. Anyone that can just treat me right! Damn. Anyone! Would that solve it? Would that solve my preoccupation in that pleasurable ‘world’? Would that stop me from all the relapses? How do i break this fixation of wanting to be with someone? It has Such a hold on me!!! Its a shame if ppl knew how much i struggle w this…. I need to focus on school instead, but this need is always in the way and i cant control it. 

4.20.17

1235pm. Im still too anxious there. Thats why leaving is a relief somewhat bc it gets me to calm down, but why am i soo tense? The good thing is that after every session I feel so focused on the internal and ready to think. Sometimes i think we should meet away from the office bc I need to relax & chill more. (Break 2 min). 

I still dont like the niceness you give out. I dont like the care but I’ll sit and listen. Is it real? Psst. Idk. 😐 Its good i guess, but i cant seem to receive it. As u wrote the positive stuff on the board, it was difficult to accept..break….thinking.. that i still dont know how to break down in front of you. I want to tho. I feel it’ll help. (Break 1 min.) I didnt wanna talk about Myself today. I didnt want u writing on the board about My life. I went along but initially i didnt want it. And altho i know that positivity is a better booster, i still have a hard time hearing it from you or anybody else. It doesnt feel true. Idk how much i believe it. Break. I think im living such a reduced, ppl pleasing life. Im trying to live peaceful and at ease bc i fear the arguments. Break.  To be honest i need to break down but i cant. This past week i felt like i needed to cry but couldn’t. I hate looking at my life all the time bc its pathetic. Idk how u look at it and think its ok. yes my lifes going nowhere and i aint doing shit about it. Im just here trying to enjoy the days without an argument. Thats how i keep my mind steady; i keep it empty and calm bc i cant deal w the stress. I dont want the excessive negative thinking like before. 

As ive said, another fear of mine is my anger. My anger feels so strong when it comes. I see myself making quick impulsive decisions when im angry. I see my anger overturning every good thing ive learned. I see my anger as so right on at times bc its passionate enough to feel and wanna do something about the injustice . I dont like to reduce my anger, nor like the idea bc it feels like im saying it shouldnt exist. I know i keep misunderstanding this. Idky. 

4.15.17

1212am. Im fearful. Its dark and my dads up. I hope he doesnt call me down. Well sounds like hes taking the keys for the car. Why is he like that? I got a job ,now u want all my money? Is that y u wanted me to get a job? The thing is too, is he aint even respectful!  He treats me like shit, then wants me to help. Im fallin asleep. Plz dont close ur eyes, darling.

4.13.17

250pm. Right after sess. Im so angry. Angry that i cant resolve this! Angry that i dont have enough time to explain myself or get an answer!  Sometimes i just wanna fuck all this! Like nobody can get what im saying. And still yes throughout the session, i dont want u to be nice to me!! I dont want it. Im not a good person. Its ok if ur nice but i dont deserve it. I dont like my anger, but sometimes i wonder if it serves me.

Ur a good person. Dk y u waste ur time on me. 😏 my anger is like a monster and nobody can control it. U cant love me thru it. I dont think i deserve anyone when im super pissed. Its best if i close my eyes. 

And i wish i could get a longer time w u. I would have to arrange it. Like something where i do the hour and a half, take a 15 min break, and then do another hour and half away outside of that office. Somewhere regular. Ugh! Im so tired of myself. So tired of things being the same; my lustful thoughts and anger are surely debilitating me. 😑

Maybe i should just forget it all. Be the coward and let them do whatever. All this fucking internal stuff dont do nothing bc idk HOW to do it. U say yes, but i dont. Im gonna cry and be vulnerable. And im afraid.  Is it worth anything? Im not being negative. I actually dont feel nothing righf now. Im just calming down w the music. But what am i gonna do? Dont give up on me. Dont tell me its my choice bc i prob wont pick the right thing. Tell me the truth even if i dont wanna hear it.

Sometimes i wanna  f ut