5.29.17

I dont wanna be in emotiin. I dont wanna be sad couns. I dint wanna hear that song  again. I don’t wanna be internal. Damn. 

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5.28.17

While at church service. Dang… The power differential appeals me. I want to conquer you. You may say its to feel significant. Ok. So What? Lemmy conquer you. Sit beside me and love me. Walk beside me and hold my hands. Show your approval in public. Find me worth it. Sigh. You bc you know more and your so smart. That is the turn on. Plus your smile and eyes are memorizing. You know how to manage your life. You’re a fighter. You’re resilient. I’m tryna picture myself w a guy but i can’t. My mind is just on you, on you, on you. Damn. So maybe I do need to postpone this Wednesday to next Friday. Brk. Just looked over to a girl as we were told to tell ur neighbor to stand strong. She smiled at me and said it. Damn she looks good. Maybe someone else can distract me? Idk. They could. If they’re on top of their game. 

5.28.17

I dont like nights. This is why i don’t wanna dig up my messes and face everything. Bc my mind goes rampant. I have more trouble sleeping. I’m too reved up and dont wanna settle. No balance. 

255

2ytam. Following enemy. He’s a ghost in wite. Go in a him… I stopped suddenly as i feel I’m being led down dark ss and say no I’m following Jesus ch rsit. He stands in front in white. And the devil gets furious. I turn to run and cower and it’s like the devil grips me w a fork  and i get terrified. Shocking as i woke up and began to realize its like real. Woke and was shocked. Had eyes closed but scared. What does this mean. ? Is it bc of tree I wrote? I’m so scared. I made an abrupt stop and said nooo im I’m following Jesus Christ    man… I was going so fast.     

5.26.17

1.17pm. Fustrated w tears. Car trouble, no car, time running out, schedule cns or not. Cuz I’m in this balance and idk if I’m going to couns or not. Then my dad’s talking bout my life. Yes i know!!!! Damn it!

I want to be good to myself. You listen to mandisa and  ur arms at the chorus. How do u remain so positive? Can positivity really change? Why do i bash myself? I feel good now. Brk . Why’s my mom gone. Chris? 😢why do i want u to dwal w my madness? 

I dont wanna unravel.

5.22.17

815pm. Mon evening after store w sis. First thoughts is to drink something to mellow down. My physical body needs the relaxation and yes also my mind. Doesnt the drink cover both?

1133pm. Yo! This nigga betta shut up! Who washed up the plates? Why did u buy this water. Yo shut up! Go to sleep! U work a double tomorrow, Damn!!!!

5.21 17

Sunday evening to night. 511pm.its just like ppl r calling u out on ur shit and idk what to say. What do i say couns? Im a mess and a failure and i cant get it together??😢😢😢i dont wanna say that. But they can all see it. They see me w no job, no place to stay. I cant fix my car, cant take care of the dogs. No damn shit!!. Im suppose to be positive and not maladaptive but i am. I go in the bathroom and think that im such a failure and cant get it together. 😢I cant find an answer for them. I cant get my shit together ! 😢Im a dumb ass! Thats all i can say to myself . I can’t be positive😢 i cant make it like yall. This is me. Its prob who i am. I stay at home, my room is junky, got a junky car that needs fixing. Every fuckin thing in my life is messy and delayed and in the middle of it all, i say “i struggle w porn and fucking masturbation”!!!!??!!! Shit man. Then my mentality goes down and  i repeat this fucking destructive pattern which is my life!!!!!!!! Fuck couns!! This is when i need to see you!  Right here when it hurts! 

Brk. Said yhankdul 

531. Dont wanna hear squat. Cant fix my life!! So fucking broken! W fears and negativity. 

934pm. Heading to job after tailgate site. And i wanna call u but then i dont wanna talk. Seems too intimate. Damn it, i cant face my weaknesses. 

952. I4. Cant keep my shit togtether couns. ,😢

1054pm. Walking to the truck at work. Saw the cat and said hi then said to myself in pain, i Miss my mom, then it started hurting. I shouldnt be here, my mom wouldn’t want me here. I know I’m not living for her but she also wouldn’t like what in doing. I just dont know how to get it together. Can i live downtown and have a nice new car and make it? That seems so hard or impossible. Like I’m always scraping the bottom. I fucked up my money and like wasted $800 and now I’m feeling it. Like cant i get it together?!! I have no control?!!

1150pm. Listening to vid of transference and feeling so emotional. Wthell is wrong w me tonight? I wanna push the session up to Wednesday. Hoping this can carry over to Wed. Damn. My mind went back to getting beating by getting angry(FU sofa) and the abuse. Like wtf happened?!! I dont wanna think back and deal w this shit!! My other sis doesnt, so why me?! Why can’t I just get over it already ?! I’m behind. Im slow. I look fucking bad. Shit! Realization, can it come to me? Damn!

1205am. Just thinking why the hell i want s w u? Y do i have sexual transference ??? Haha. Is it intimacy? Yall would say it. Is it the same if i hooked up w someone out in public?Why is this considered transference and wrong and not other relationships?

1211am. It’s these stupid hormones after my period. Damn emotions. Now im so mad at myself for wasting my money. What did I give myself for my bday?!! Damn nothing. Why did i have so much fear w choosing a guitar and paying for it??! Just like my life.  So much control, hesitation bc i want perfection, then fear, then i waste all the money, then got no life now. I fear and control then become impulsive, seeking power and love thru spending money! Dummy! Now ur left w no Damn money! And u wanna see the couns on Wed?? Stupid!!!! No barrier for cushion in emergency.

1256am. Looking at a racoon. Then feeling bad that im doing security. Then thinkin i can’t do this. Need my mom. Can’t make decisions alone. 2nd grade. Where’s my mom. Fuck! I dont like this Chris. 😢 i dont. Lemmy wipe my eyes. Maybe after i go home and sleep then i will forget all this bullshit till Friday or wednesday. Nothing major happened but my emotions are erupting after a few months down. Damn. I hate all this turbulence. So what must I do couns? I’m depending on u too much. How do i do this? 

423am. Feel sad bc idk what to do, where to step. I want my mom like in 2nd grade. I am soo afraid of the world. 😢 stupid fucking hang ups. I hate them! Idk where to work. Idk what to do yet i dont wanna work at certain places. So sad dis morning. I just wanna go home and cry but cry for what?? Nothing will change. My words and logic are failing now. No more excuses to say, nothing stopping me bc i have the knowledge and awareness of whats going wrong. I’ve done the arguing w my sdad and had many episodes of extreme anger. I’ve had that. I’ve had the suicidal thoughts. Dont want that anymore. Give me something new. Now it’s time to step out. But i want my mom or fucking sex. I’m such an idiot. I can’t keep myself straight!!!

428am. Cake song. Maybe I can’t do fucking nothing. Yeah. Read that couns. Sitting there on thurs isn’t the real me. That’s the weakest, scared me . I can’t talk good there.  This feeling and stress and negativity Is what I want u to meet! Let’s tackle that! Back and forth even if i question everything you say, deal with my hardness. Damn it! Someone challenge me the way i need to be bc i can’t get outta this shit. I hate when i curse so much. Dag.

5.20.17

625pm.im around some spaniards and i think of u. Up in a town above yours. Why cant we meet up as coincidentally? It would be awkward at first but then id hope u warm up and spend time w me. Damn i still want u. See, u pop up in my mind and desires. And weird is that xo is here but i want u. And neither of yall want me so theres no reason to lean towards the one that likes me. Xo does dress hotter than u but ur intellect and intensity is the turn on. Just fuck me and be over it. Come like be in my company c!! Come on! Just spend some relaxing time w me. U know i like u. Lemmy fuck you!! Shit. Man. I just WANT this!

5.20 17pt1

1252pm. Talked to a coworker. Can i trust my emotions? What do we lead with? I feel bizerk when i feel so emotional. What is true? is it my logic or emotions? Idk this world. Can i just go back to how i used to be? Tho i want to go back, ive lived this failure visible fucked up life. 

I wish i had a session today. This coworker talk got me rattled. I wanna fuxk xo tonight. Why? Maybe bc i feel stressed and irritated right now. Damn. Hate when my mind gets like this. Should i look up “anxiousness”?  Damn stupidness. Yep “subconscious” talking. Thats what i really wanna say, “subconsciously “.fuck! Im such an ass. Vomit? You aint seen vomit yet. Ive actually been good this past year. I havent been negative as i used to be. I havent been anything like i used to be!!!!

101pm. Damn couns. And now js on me or seeming to be on me about me telling my dad where im going. Like gosh. Just lemmy tell him. And yes i feel my mom on me. Like i cant do right by anybody. Im on the verge of crying about this stupid issue. I wanna take the book out but i shoved it back into the bag angry at the whole process bc my coworker got me feeling similar to how the sessions gets me. Like wtfuck?! Dig up all these things and leave? Attachment abandonment? Idk what the hell i want?!!! Is it always linked to sex?!!! Idk. I guess. I really need to go see that other counselor on sex. Damn!!!