Aug 29.2017

😢😤😤😤hes a fuxking retard. See nothing changes!! What he mean bout i cant tell him what to do?! He doesnt want them walking? Do i gotta fuxking comply all the time?!! I picked them up the last 2 Fridays. That aint shit right?!! I could imagine down da line the amount of bull and gossip he will tell these kids about me!!! Like saying i dont wanna help or put himself as the fuxking victim!!! Isnt that what hes been doing even w the abuse?? He says, waa waa waa. I dont know what hes feeling and all this shit. Bitch i didnt come to hear yr side. You are the perpetrator!!! Deal w yr fucking actions. I didnt force u to do nothing so dont come burden me w ur guilt. Ur guilt is fr ur actions bitch!! And he plays the victim w my moms death saying his life is over. Poor thing! It all shines on him. Hes going thru the imaginable. Everybody grab a tissue .

Brk. Come to think of iy he always puts them in tge way and makes me feel guilty. Even when i dont put them in the way. I need to be ready to leave bc sure as his ass, hes gonna kick me out, the more i stand up for myself. Bc he dony think of me. He doesnt think i work fuxking overnight?!!! Does he think i did this for 2 years w his ass down my throat?!! Nope. Not selfish niggas like tgat. Then his classic line recently, that i pick up the kids bc i want to. Ohhh thats a nice one. He flipped it right on me. Flipped the responsibility on me and relieved his ass. He dont even know its his job. He now says i do it bc i wanna. I do it bc yr ass aint here!!stupid vulnerability!! U want me to tell him this couns?!! Ha. 😢! 

All of yhis dumb shit going on and fam dont even know. The kids suffer bc they think theyre a problem, and i suffer dealing w his bullshitttt!!!!

Aug 31,2017

435. Todays sess was soo soothing for me. Gosh did i need that. Damn i beat myself up so much!! Like i was gonna cancel cns for a month the other day. Like i was so adamant!

Aug 21,2017

1004pm. ​Feeling weird. Just watched Armageddon and prior to that watched a youtube vid on bible prophect. So was feeling like weird, like things are changing so quivk and im scared. So i Wrote d. She said everything i need is in his presence, word, etc. Yea i know. Guess was sharing how i felt. This weird feeling. Unsettling. Can i have some normalcy kinda feeling or my mind ran on cs. Why? Maybe bc it would ease my anxiousness… to be w someone and not just anyone bc theres lots of ppl who offer their bodies. I dont want that. I want to offer myself to someone who cares and who there can be a strong connection with. Shes one. Yes i want to be valued in THAT way by her. Not just in my progress but in bed. Dang sounds bad but id REALLY want that. I wish she would love me in that way, accept me in that way. Hmmm… 😏smh. Sad. Pathetic. 

Aug 9.

338pm. This sorta always feels brand new. Like i have to destress fr the session and i wouldnt mind coming back ready to talk and really share. Its like i dont do this in my real life. So when u ask me to talk or share, idk what to do. I would pay for a back to back session. Maybe thats what i need to do.