false start

mid April and i still havent started. i mark the weeks and tell myself this is the week to start, and then i watch the weeks go by. Im probably 2 weeks late from starting. idk what to say. I have different pains feeling and i dont necessarily use it as an excuse but they do hinder me. there are some days where my lower back hurts so much. there are other days when my ankle hurts fr that sprain. other times its a headache or just my whole body not feeling well. what affects me most is my lower back tho. I dont know what it is. Im thinking its due to a cyst in my right ovary thats affecting my lower back but im not sure. I really dont want that to happen. 
I need to start exercising. i need to start eating right. i know the effects of sugar and eating junk yet im still stuck. i read and read and read and im still here. what else stands in my way? 
do i not know where to work out? yea thats apart of it too. idk what to say. 
I am just here to say that I am still not moving, and im still not eating right. I want to tho. i want to. 

Weridest thing is i have 2 motivators living w me, yet still here i am. my mother has cancer and my little brother has type 1 diabetes. i stare at these two ppl and shake me head in disbelief! i feel it for my brother bc he is so worried when his blood sugar goes down. he is just probably a month into living w diabetes and he is so scared. i watch him inject himself w insulin, count carbs, check his blood sugar, and hold his head as he gets a headache and feel dizzy. i am so sorry for him. idk what to do at times. 
it makes me so thankful for my pancreas but then i feel guilty. all in all im still thankful. 
I look at myself and think that i have it all working, why cant i do better w what i have?!!! idk why we do that. we take things for granted!!!
then my mom has been living w cancer for about 4 years now and yet still we all eat junk as to live in ignorancy! i hate myself for that! idk y i cant live what i believe! after reading all the books i have and knowing all i know, i still dont follow the right way. sometimes it has to do w the fact that i dont have money to buy my own food and im stuck to eating whatever is here. yea that is a problem. it is. 
i think i could still minimize the amount of food i eat tho. lord help me.  my right lower abdomen feels puffy and my lower back hurts! i know you hear me. i know you believe me. i ask you to heal me! 
Heal my mother as you are doing, bc she told me the doctors said that some of her tumors are shrinking and some have gone away. Thank God! i cant even believe it bc she told me that at a school even we went to. it seemed like i didnt have time to celebrate or take it in. but she did say that, right?man! we havent even talked about it. wow. i should talk to her again ab it. 
Does she know i love her? does she think i care? shes always felt like nobody cares ab her. Lord help her to feel loved by her kids. heal her heart bc she doesnt feel loved and appreaciated. God she does so much for the family. She is like a single mom and she gets no credit for it! i see her walk around with her body in pain and she continues to take care of my younger brother and sister. she doesnt stop! she cooks, does laundry, cleans, helps my sister w homework and keeps them up on their school work, and then she has the issues of the older kids on her mind. the older kids dont help her as much. she cusses us out!! i mean cuss!!!! 
she is so overwhelmed and frustrated! 
I see her. I see her. but she doesnt know. 
I see her turn to food as well. every night she takes tea and pours alot of sugar in it. she eats bread and tons of rice. i see her. Tho ive spoken to her about sugar and its relation to cancer, she still eats it. idk what else to tell her. she knows but isnt doing it. We are alike! 
then i think, shouldnt she have more drive to stop than me? she can die fr this, yet she continues as if it doesnt matter.
Now this “good” report has caused her to ignore everything ive said to her. idk whats gonna happen. 

my lil brother is sticking to his carb count and i admire his discipline. he inspires me. my wish for him is that he completely changes his diet around. he needs to eat fruits and vegetables. he hates it right now! he needs to eat it, father! teach Him! Let him change how he eats and reverse all these diseases in him. It all comes fr you. we dont rely on doctors to ease our anxiety, we rely on you. we trust on you. 

God open my eyes and bring me to action fr these ppl that i have as lessons. help me w my procrastination. let me not dishonor them by dishonoring my own body. 

I have seen the effects of food on the body! i see it! ive read it! help me to do it Lord! 
start me off somewhere. idk how to start and im afraid of what others will say and their stupid comments, but help me to do it still. 
Break my bad habits! 

mother mayhem

April 8,Mother mayhem. Moms cussing out my two sisters and I’m sitting back watching. One sister cud be heard upstairs whimpering as she’s crying out of anger or pain. Idk. Most likely it’s anger bc I’ve heard that’s y she cries. The other sister is chilling on her bed w her door closed. I bet they must think I’m an idiot for talking to them earlier. I know they can’t see thru to what I said. I know they are full of hurts fr my mother. I know. But they don’t even wanna make the attempt to come talk to their mom. They just hurt silently.
I’ve told them to go to God w their hurts but I don’t even know if they hear me or believe me. I don’t know. Im just so sad how everything is turning out. Nobody is getting thru, tho it’s just my mom arguing but still there’s no progress.

him and not her

Here, sitting and watching my parents interrogate my sisters’ boyfriend. Its interesting, i at least laughed a couple of times, but what pops into my mind is j. yep! i wonder why couldnt they be as nice to j as they are to this guy? why did they rip apart my j so bad? i been w her for 4 years and still they cant give her the time of day. yes they have met and talked but it still turns out bad. the conversation they had was good and informative and without me, but the end result is that they were back arguing. i just dont get it. to think of it now, how did they talk together so good, and then end up still in feud? why? i feel so cheated bc my sister gets this good treatment and i didn’t. i mean dont they see that j is good? for 4 fucking years ive been w her, and still they treat her like shit! damn it yo.
why couldnt they see her for how i see her? why couldnt they shut their mouths and be quiet? why did they not be happy for me as i loved somebody? Do they always gotta fight and cuss out every friend i have? why couldn’t they give me a chance? they fought tooth and nail to tear us apart! they cussed her out and she saw all the texts and she hurt. ive seen her cry over my mom. Up to 4 years after, i still see her angry and mad that my mom feels this way about her. break.
Funny my mom is sitting across the table fr me, and its weird how i can feel like this and she dont even know. why dont i tell her? she is a force to deal with! idk how i can deal w her.
Now they are all talking about their home land and laughing about different foods. ha. funny and also sad. Im sad at how i was treated. sad at how they treated j. and if i ever was to talk to my mom ab how i feel, i think/know i would start crying and unable to get thru it…break.
Tell me why am I jealous that my sister left us all and left with her bf and didn’t bring us? Maybe bc she got so much money and we don’t, and we like hanging out w her. She works all da time, so on her days off we like her around and wanna go everywhere w her.
stupid, huh?