short fun

i think i need to go back to the things that i love. simple? yeah but ive also been keeping it away. its like i dont know how to laugh anymore. why is that? where did i go? why did i put myself on the background? like even with exercising, i dont move around like i used to. you know? like how kids move about and have fun. i dont do that anymore. ive become this critical always correcting js kids and being a nag to be around. do i even have fun anymore? or was all my fun gone when she left? mmm quite probably. seems my lifes been filled with tons of arguments or deflecting and avoiding them. damn. where have i gone? sometimes i wonder do i laugh anymore?  i only seem to be silly around my fam mostly. why not all the time? idk. seems im just mute and quiet. gosh girl! get it back! get it back. speak! open your mouth and run! go have fun with exercising! with you rlife! with God! mmmm. im gonna try. lets see.

west palm church

Im here listening to “i wish somebody soul wouda ketch a fire”, which i heard at the church at west palm, h shabach. It was so good going there. I was so uplifting and i felt changed. I was happy. very! Im here trying to hold on to that happiness. Things have came up but im still here. aint too bad. what had happened was that my mom called 2 extra friends of mine and was talking about j and me. Now i understand that she was wondering if they spoke to the both us. so it looks like some meeting is supposed to go on. it is really ridiculous. I cant believe all of my “friends” are involved in this mess and im sure j is thinking the same thing. shes about had it with my mom and me. i know it. she mentioned that sometimes she wish she could send me to go live in my car. what was that about? idk. but i know shes had it up to here w all this nonsense and involvement fr my mom and so has d. D dont play so yep, shes upset that my mom is trying to push the time as to when she thinks my friends should talk to me. so? idk. just a mess. one part of me wonders maybe i shoulda kept my mouth shut fr the get go. but how do i just keep my mouth shut about the pain in my life? guess i should of, nonetheless. it woulda stop all this damn drama! yep. but i revealed my pain and issues w j, and d, and r, and now my mom knows that too and she is reaching out to them to “save” me. ugh! so ridiculous. i feel like a child. im 31, yet i got mommy tryna “rescue” me. how stupid do i feel!!!! she should come to me! not dem! to go behind my back and call up my friends is like, what!! embarrassing and too intrusive. then again, she might say, i did the same. So its no winning. i guess all in all, they all say i did bad things to dem. that alone is shocking to me bc i try to live so “perfect” and not bother ppl, yet im still condemned for doing wrong things. damn! i would never believe that i could cause these ppl to feel so much hurt over what i did. man. my moms upset bc i told the fam business to j and all my friends and that i paint a bad picture of her. ok. got it mom. next time i should keep my mouth shut! and try to get over my little girl issues by myself like ive been doing my all life! ugh! this stuff gets me so irritated!!!! ok. so lets say i keep my mouth shut then i wouldnt “hurt ” my mom and she wouldnt feel slighted by me or by me “choosing j” over her, which is already not true, but anyways. then w j, i guess i hurt her alot too. i hurt by “cheating” w t while with her, tho i didnt know we had anything, yet my actions hurt her. ok. understand, tho i didnt know you “loved” me so much. ok. I hurt her again, by choosing t when i was confronted w choosing one. I hurt her by continuing t while with her. i am sorry j. guess i was a mess. so sorry. it wasnt against you, but it really just forecasted my addictions and sickness and whatever else its called. i hurt her again, by picking her up late, and by saving up $ for vegas without telling her. I hurt her by texting too much and wanting all her attention and wanting to talk to her. i hurt her by talking about her church and bro and i guess sis. im sorry. im sorry to everyone that i caused all this trouble to. so sorry. i didnt know i was such an awful person. i never thought that these words spoken to me over these past 3 years would ever be said to me. never! guess im really messed up. but i wanna get better. bc church at west palm has given me new hope/more hope. im glad God can still reach to me and make me feel changed. I see Him still talking to me alot. He is reaching to me, so i am feeling changed and thus need to take this seriously bc im out of time. its not that im running out of time, i think ive used up alot of time already. ive had many chances and ive continued to fall back into old habits and take it easy, but this time i need to do somethings differently. over the past weekend, i had this pastor talk to me alot of times, so i need to take this thing seriously now. God is talking to me and wanting me to move forward. He spoke to me about getting married, which is so far fr my mind bc im tired of running ppl down to love me, yet here i was confronted w what i wasnt giving any care to. then it was prophesied that i was in a financial drought and that i need to relocate, which are both true bc my financial life has been a mess and i dont like orl. so i need to find out where i need to be and find out where i need to be looking for jobs. i have no clue as to where to get a job and how to move and where to move to. i have ny in my mind but i dont know where to stay at and what i would be doing up there, tho there are great churches there. guess i doubt myself alot. but the word was spoken and it lines up with my life and whats been going on w my life. God please help me. Dont leave me pls. have patience w me. pls. ur mercy as i try to do this thing Lord. I wish you would fill me everyday like what ive felt in the past. i wish i could sense you all around me everyday. i wish i could be able to call down your glory. i dont even know what to wish for / pray for anymore. i just want more of you. i want to see you change me completely. i wanna see your wisdom displayed in my life. y? bc it seems i live life as a dummy, tho i do credit alot of my insight to you Lord. but give me more. Give me more. and also Lord, I want my mom healed. I want my siblings to serve u and be on fire for real. i want u to save them drastically and let them do ministry for you. God save my mom and touch her with ur fire and power. Also father, bless me abundantly Lord, financially, spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally lord. Let me exceed and glorify your name. i want to testify of You God. I want to see ppl changed too. Lord. Show me. Help me to understand what I need to do Lord. I dont know where to go. I dont know what to do. i dont know where to look for a job. Lord direct me. Help me to fast. i know/think i need to fast sometime. ive been wanting to since, like idk, 2011. i think. so i need to do it for real now. Lord help me. Also bless me so i can afford my own house and buy my own food. Lord Im tired of being hungry and depending on ppl. Lord make a way out of this mess. I love you!

fed one

so again, last night, the issue now was that i fed one dog and not the other. i got mad bc at how they came at me. first, i spend the whole evening trying to hurry up and cook, while they went off to church alone, then when they come home at like probably 10/11, the first thing they can say is “why didnt i feed shichi?” wtf! so yes, i got upset bc i guess they thought i intentionally didnt feed her. stupid nonsense. so i said that and walked out the room, after her sister bursted into the room and asked the same question in which i was discussing with j at the moment. i cant believe these ppl. do i ever get a break? can i do anything right? damn. so i just went to bed. then j came in and continued and i tried to explain to her. again no one understood each other. again i went to bed frustrated and mad. i couldnt even sleep. i was gonna get up and walk or something but i guess i fell asleep. i so need to go to this bible study on friday bc things are a mess. everyday i deal w some kind of argument and i cant take it. yes i understand that she wants me to talk and i am trying too, but i am tired of the arguments that come up. idk how long my body can take it. can it take it for long? i know i got mad endurance, but damn! this much? im 31 and still taking shit. tho i got nothing of my own, so im stuck taking the shit. and i  want this friendship so again, im here tryna deal w it but ohhhh, not liking the arguments, even if my closedupness is a cause for it. just cant do nothing thru arguments. that bridge needs to be clear. no raised voices, just lets talk.

the pot

So yesterday, actually 2 days ago, the issue came up about the pot and the dog stuff. Stupid? yeah. But i was mad bc i wondered why i was the one being told to clean it up. Then i was mad because someone else told her to tell me. I guess i didnt like that. ofcourse. So at first i did it in a laughing manner and then i said, it makes no sense to say anything bc no one listens to me. Then that statement got her upset. The argument/discussion continued the whole night, which is why i didnt wanna say anything else bc i was trying to avoid an argument. gosh. i hate when we get into stupid fights like this. So it contiued, after i got mad too and started cleaning up everything. She saw that i had an attituide too, which she came back and told me that I did it all in an attitude, but so what? I was mad bc these ppl think im a slob and cant clean up my stuff. its also sad that she listens to everything her sister says. I dont even know who or what she is anymore bc i only see her sister behind it all. i feel her sister is controlling her and i feel like ive lost my friend.
Then we continued talking/arguing and i tried/ eventually said my part a little since she insisted that i talk. I came away from it more disheartened bc i dont know how to do this relationship stuff. i cant talk and bring my point across. i wanna give up. anyways, the whole evening was stupid and  brought us no where except frustrated with each other. that night i cried and prayed that i wouldnt harm myself. stupid bu true. y? bc i was so done with ppl and tryna explain myself and wanting my friend and not having her, it seemed.

can i see?

sometimes i look at these Xn stuff and wonder if its real. sometimes i dont know what im doing or what theyre doing. i know that sounds like a whack statement coming fr me, but its how im feeling. its like how does Jesus help me with all these relationship problems. Im sorry Lord for saying this, but I dont know how to see thru it all anymore. I dont know anymore. whats wrong? i dont know. there is no life in my soul. tap me and i wont feel. I feel dead and my memory is gone. that affects me so much. i cant remember nothing and not involved in nothing. i take it all and absorb. there is nothing that i am bringing a change to, God. nothing! i am just here. just here and lifeless and emotionless while they all run me over. and “its all my fault”, and its “i blame you, not ur mom”. so? the blame is all mine. i guess i let them do all this to me. ok. i let it happen. what if i blew up and cussed u all out? then what? id be a monster and psychopath like the others that blow up and show every emotion possible. i dont wanna be like that. anyways. forget that. i had wanted to write about God. wanted to notate that it all seems so foreign and different. all the spiritual/ singing/ jesus stuff; tho i was singing today in the car. what makes me say this, is bc i am watching this youtube vid of bethel church, the more i seek you, and it all seems so intrusive and coming close to me now, tho initially it seemed weird. so confusing! i guess i can get drawn into it after a few songs, but why did it feel so icky and too close when i put it on? seems im so far away, Lord. y am i lost? cuz these ppl around me. everyone putting me down, telling me what i am, when i am not that. everyone pushing me to talk when i dont like sharing. asking so much of me when i cant give it. damn! what more should i give? i dont wanna become like a wreck loose canon spewing emotions as i feel them and then label that as “change” or the new me thats “sharing”. i dont want to become like that. i dont want to become like them. dk y i always go back to this topic. guess i blame them for how i am tho she said i am to blame not anyone else. mmm. ok. but whats wrong w my heart? whats wrong w my eyes that i cannot see God anymore? whats wrong that i dont wanna embrace him? why am i far? why isnt it like it was like before? why cant i get it back? why do i feel like theres nothing to hold on to? why do i not know what to grasp for? last night as i was mad that everyones labeled me a certain way, i tried reaching for God but as i did, i felt like i had to turn my heart hard to reach for Him. is that the right thing? is it to hate, no, exclude everyone so i can reach God? is my heart supposed to be this way? dont think so. i think i was just so angry that everyones not giving me a chance and being so hard, so my only option was my reality, which is being alone and crying. ahhh. dont like bringing this up. was a hard night last night. hey. its among those. nothing new. just another day in my pathetic hard life. anyways, God how do i reach u?  i dont wanna reach u only at church or at bible studies. y cant i get the same thing on other days? y cant i feel u the same on other days? open my eyes and touch my heart on the other days. please. help me see. help me feel. help me change. help me somehow. never let my heart grow cold, change me somehow. somehow. somehow. and pls dont let me mom die now. i want her around to like 90 or 100. dont want her dying. dont want u to take her in order for me to learn these things. i so dont want it. 😦

where are my posts?

where are my xanga archives. im pretty mad and annoyed that i dont have them. i dont get what xanga did. at least just transfer them over to their new sites and then give us like a month to save them. now where the hell are they?! damn!