need to do furtick better

August 9.ROUGH Morning. Told myself to fail, was gonna fail, but had both worlds of thoughts whirling thru my head. was upset at d for being so impatient, upset at myself for wanting it and all at the same time tryna figure out what to do. i eventually lived thru it. ha. i sound pathetic. but yeah i got thru it. 
im here downstairs listening to furtick sing for the very first time and im astonished at this guy whos giving all himself thru preaching and singing while getting attacks that hes stealing money fr the church. i just see him as this honest, passionate smart guy. hes giving his all, at least thats what it looks like. i cud say on the outside that he looks like a angry, maybe too impulsive guy but i would just hope he will work on his own issues and remain humble and devoted to God in his private time. sigh. 
but why did i come on? idk. maybe just to talk to myself. since i cant get the exact right words fr j or d or whomever, i guess i should start doing it for myself. cus am i gonna wait around for this spectacular friend to come and spoon feed me like d says, or just do what i can with what i can speak to myself about. how about i pull my own self up bc im constantly waiting for ppl to help and im scraping by when i do that. Sure!!!! there are great ppl that have helped me but its not complete complete. so i need to make up the other ground. i need to speak to myself. im 32 and im bored outta my mind and im wasting my time, so i gotta do this. It aint a sweet spot. its all a mess. not loud mess at the moment, but settled mess. i dont get my mom arguing at my ass right now, or no specific pressures fr her or any friends, so i can kinda think rigth now. tho when theres no trouble on the outside, the tendencies can be that the trouble lies in me.if it aint my mom, its me. if its my mom, it can be also me thats struggling. anyway you slice it theres trouble. anyway u put me theres trouble. w j there was turmoil ,without j theres still trouble. yada yada. trouble everywhere. ups and downs but i want stability and consistency. i need to learn how to abide in God daily. ive been slipping this week and ive seen the consequences. my minds been on this fall and ive wanted it. also i didnt even fast this week and i guess this is also another the consequence of it too. i need to do better. 
I need to cry it out.

Fear worship

August?what am i fearing? afraid to show that i love God? dont everyone know already? uhhh! im so tired of ppl watching me. so tired of being viewed by them. why do i let them worry me soo? Im 32 and still ppl focused! when can i get it? why cant i be like kim walker and just worship God straight up???!! my heart wants to but im such a coward. tho im writing this bc i wanna be free, i dont wanna conitnue like this!
And as i reread this , i see that im complaining and wishing and wanting but still nothing is getting thru! what needs to be done? ahhh.. the DOING! i need to finally DO! i want and i wish and i sooooo desire for real but now at this age, i gotta start doing this thing now. Fill me up God! Fill me up! God i need more. NO matter how i look, God teach me and break me so i can worship. God im so sorry. for 24 years wanting the same thing and never doing!! OHHH GOD!!! PLease i need to release everything to you father. As i sit here listening and watching

Lost again

sat may 17-oh Jesus Im so lost again!! I was going kinda good since February but i mighta slipped up here, Father. Did good since Feb but look at me now. was i right? was it just avoidance to mean nothing at all? am i just abstaining for the sake of not touching and yet not having no internal change, no internal power? what is up??!!!!
I listen to all these sermons and still look at me!!! 
I do wonder, what will it take??? I wonder Lord, when will i get it? I cant pray loud, I dont / cant cry out here. My family is around, what do i do? What is this breakthrough that everybody talks about? Why cant i get it? 
I ask for it all the time! i ask for more of your Spirit and still i am like this. 
what am i missing? I do trust you but nothing happens. I am asking fr my heart and still look at me.

i want you to talk to me like u do juanita bynum. i wanna preach like that. i wanna have insight like that. i wanna pray like that: fr my heart, fr my soul. tho i am so much of the opposite, i still ask. 
i dont see this big change that everybody is saying. i dont see the change that i am expecting either. is it walking in clouds, feeling above it all? what is it? will i never feel this pull anymore? will my whole demeanor change? what is it lord?
what is this change? what is this deliverance? what is it? cuz i need it. 
I want and need this supernatural move to the utmost!
I cannot do it and i cannot keep bugging d!
every night is a challenge and a rucus! i cant keep bugging her. She cant handle it nor can i. id be writing her every minute if allowed to. 
im so addicted to ppl and wanting someone to care. 
gosh i cannot get it outta my system.
I need help and i feel like reaching out to them and telling them blatantly that i cant do it, but im not sure if i should. bc what would that do? Wud it just make me look like an idiot? wud it prove to them for sure that i really am the struggling one? what would be the sense? they might text me or call for a little but im sure they cant do the longevity of it. theyll stop after awhile. i know them. they dont got it. 
its up to me. thats what ill be hearing. id be hearing to get it together, and go pray. when in reality im falling apart but they dont get it. they tell me based on where they are at now. i dont even know if they have every been in my exact spot, but they will try to show some kinda pity i believe but after that, itll be pray, fight and press.
not bad words but idk… still messing up. 
I need more power to say no. i need this WANT TO outta me. i still want to do wrong. i still wanna sin. i still wanna touch, i still want my exes. i still want sex, still wanna be in a relationship. im still hoping beyond all hope. im such a mess and idk how to get out. 
im dying here in boredom and poverty as my life displays my mind and my nothingness.

Need job aug

Aug 26- i wonder jesus if u love me/please me since i dont got a job. I feel so useless here. I want a job, i got 0 money and borrowing moms car, gettin in arguments over it, stifled in the house and having to beg for everything. I need a job father. Help me to get one

3Hr god talk.

Talkin w d for like 3 hours and it was sooo good. Turned out to be like 4ish hours. Omg. It was sooo good and refreshing. And it reminds, that i am getting what i prayed for earlier this year, maybe not when i wanted it or how i wanted it, but look at that, i got to spend time w her on the phone for 4hours. Thats like an hour lunch per week added up to 4 in a month. Plus i think we spoke for 3 hours the other night, which makes it 7 or a month and a half. Lol. Im just so thankful. And it seems like the lack of us not talking on the regular made these talks even more valuable and needed. Its just sweet.
What did we talk ab?lots of things. It started after we left chipotle. First i was surprised she showed up there bc she had left us after the concert. I guess she went to pick up her car and then come over. So we all sat there as it was closin and another person was talkin ab some issues they were havin w their dad. After an hour or so we were leaving and d made a joke that we know what everyone thinks except for me bc i dont talk. Lol. I laughed and so did everyone else. Ha, funny d. So we left. I wanted to leave bc i was so upset ab the ticket i got. But i hung around till they finished talking and went into the car. I waited till they pulled out and then d stopped and was saying something thru her window to me. I put my window down and she asked me if i can talk and drive. I said yes and she said to call her. Ha, i was shocked and happy. I called her and she asked ab the retreat. I began to tell her and she listened. She said she wasnt too w it and i understood why bc i was still struggling and she didnt want me in that atmosphere. I get it tho it was hard to accept. I remember on lakeville rd she said i didnt know you had it down to the days. I asked her what? And she said she understood more when i texted that mondays and Saturdays are harder and that its not good or not normal for that to happen. I said ok. I dont remember some of the things she talked ab as i drove back home. When i parked in the driveway we continued talkin and i got more comfortable. I started asking questions and she stopped some of my qs and asked does it really matter if i get that answered. I thought it did but she said no. She also said at one point that, oh my gosh youre worst that jt. Lol. I said worst? She then said maybe the same as him. Lol. I told her thats why i dont ask qs at bible study but ask them to her privately. She said thanks. Ha. What were we talking ab?i think it was ab me having to be delivered and of why it hasnt happened yet tho i prayed for it. I asked her why did everyone else leave? She said something like that wasnt the purpose or lesson. (Break for days)Something like it was for your deliverance not to make friends. Guess thats one way of interpreting it. We continued to talk, i asked my qs. Blah blah. We prayed,it was grt..have to continue another time. Mood not good.

Dec 16

Dec 16
I turned over in the bed to plug my phone in and dreaded the day. Nothing was scheduled but just dreaded my day. I knew my mind was going back to how it used to be. How dumb and audacious for me to say this in my head after my sister just died? She has no more life, no more chances of impact, no more chances!!! And yet I sit here and hate my life?!!! God!!! I’m sorry. I say I’m sorry but will I live I’m sorry? I know lots of times I don’t feel it God. All my good intentions are like empty promises throughout my life.
Break, I called my mom to go out w her, I’m excited, I feel good. Haha. I know it’s “emotions”. Ugh i need some help. I need some help. I’m thankful d called me the other weeks, I should count my blessings, I’m thankful for her like crazy, even I’m her business, she makes times for me, geez I’m thankful for her. Tho I’ve been given a lot I still want someone to call me and read the scrips to me. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I should do it myself. So why this need then?! Idk, I got d and k in my corner. Yes d seems further away tho it seems she still cares. After I prayed and after bstudy ended she said something like she has me in her heart and she tapped her heart. Idk. I don’t think it’s any big deal when I pray but guess she thinks so. I mean, yeah, I can pray but I don’t do it for myself a lot. At least not recently.
Ahhhh. My momentum halted when Ashley died. Halted. I was strong at first but now I feel stuck again. I can’t get thru this teaching website, I’m doubting myself, I’m wanting j kinda, and needing ppl all the time, and wanting food. Same thing where my habits go overboard when one thing crashes. When things aren’t aligned I go crazy. Frustration, impatient beats me down till I can’t accomplish. Damn I need to get back. And as I look for that motivation and get impatient about it, or even in my down was I look for something to satisfy, and this one thing meets both those needs: the m thing. Ha. And the whole s world drags me in bc I need the excitement, tho I’ve stayed away fr that, I know the world.

Sis died

I CANNOT believe my sister is dead