Self pity?

June 22, 945 pm- sitting up in my room eating honey roasted peanuts and bored. It’s the day before my bday and it’s already sucky. THe only part that was good was last night when I had to steal out the house to go hang w friends and that was a turmoil to do. I hated the whole of fucking yday tho
Hated it. I can never please my mother. I am always doi something wrong. She always feeling offended about something!!! Like CHILL YO!! Damn it!!!
She says I’m shady and I need a backbone. Lol. U want me to stop being shady and have a backbone? Well that means cussing your damn ass off and I don’t wanna do that. Sigh.
So bad. I’m cursing again and I shouldn’t be. But from yday I just got pissed off that ppl were pulling out of what had planned bc hey didn’t know my fam was included. Whatever I’m so tired of it! Now it’s turned into some big old nonsense. I hate this shit so much!
Here I am, thinking I’m on the right path, and now I’m slipping off bc I’m cursing and getting real mad at everything.
Then I’m constantly writing d and I know it’s gonna get overwhelming. She is more forward w me now and I could see tensions rising. This is what I was trying to avoid. I would rather keep it minimal in the fb messages w her so as to not overwhelm her or get too stubborn headed. I need to back off. Back off girl!! Back off!!
Get ur shit together alone!! Stay away fr sin!!! Pray more and read the word!! Fast!! Yea I know. Geez. Gotta learn them stuff.
Break
Right now I wanna $&&&@@€€££!!!! I know it’s bad but I’m honest. Does honesty overrule manners? No. Does honesty give leeway to say anything u want? No, but I’m trying to be honest.
Next topic… My bday tomorrow. I really wish I was working. Now isn’t that messed up to the max? Yea It is! But I don’t wanna be here around fake ppl. They don’t even wanna do nothing anyway. It’s gonna be sooo fake. Y do I gotta be here? Damn. Last week was better. I went to meet d n j at the store. Then me and j met up a few times. It was fun. It was real. We talked in the nail salon and I cried. I cried bc the convo got so deep. And I love that. It seemed more meaningful when it was like that. She’s not afraid to ask me the tough questions and I’m not afraid to break down in front of her. That’s so sweet. And then she met me for lunch on Friday and that was fun too. She looked happy and pretty. We drove out for lunch and it was so different and fun for me. I consider those happy times as bday gifts. God gifts. And then last night, tho the day was tumultuous, we had a good time sitting by the pool. I just wished it lasted longer. I wish d cud take me to the side or stay back w me and we just really talk stuff out. I wish she cud see that that’s what I want. Sigh. Idk. I think she’s ab tired now. Cuz I been constantly writing really long messages to her and she can’t respond to them all. She says she is not always in the position to answer them, but then as time goes on, she doesn’t answer them, so I’m thinking maybe it’s piling up and she can’t keep up. It seems so. Bc she hasn’t responded to 3 messages as yet and I wrote her the 4th one today. And she hasn’t even responded to that one either. So I’m about to put on the brakes and go to God w it bc she can’t handle it and I don’t want the friendship ruinin bc of my screw ups.
I guess I just gotta keep it on the spiritual realm so as to not burden her. Sigh. Ahh,
She did good tho. For the 6 months of cramming everything on her, she’s done great! And she hasn’t rejected me yet. She says I should stop saying sorry and all and she continues to help me and pray for me, so she got tons of props for me. Tho I wonder, how would it look now if I stopped writing her? Would she sense that I pulled away? What would she think ab that ? Would she be hurt over it? Would she feel like she helped me for nothin? Idk.how would she feel? I guess I can’t really just pull away completely. Guess it needs to be gradually. Oh man.but I love our communication. I love writing to her. I love the back and forth. Ah shit man. Did I get attached again?!!!
Break
Pls tell me not to do it, d! Tell me not to do it!!!