thrown into neuro

major stuff happened over the past few days. my lil bro got admitted in the hospital, bc of headaches and dizziness. after 3 times visiting the hospy within 4 days, my mom was hard on those docs to find out what was causing these headaches, dizziness, and unstability. docs eventually said that he had a possible av fistula. i couldnt believe my ears when i heard my mom explain to me what had happened to my dearest bro. there is nobody like my lil bro in my life and to find out that he had something wrong w his brain, was unbelievable. after i spoke to my mom i started crying. i couldnt believe what was happening. when did my brother end up in the hospital? what is all of this?! my brother? NO!!!! what is an av fistula? what causes it? what in the world is happening? in one month, 2 health scares? what is happening? Type 1 Diabetes and now an av fistula? I could not believe it. 
I tried to calm myself down as i googled what an av fistula was. its an abnormal connection between an artery and a vein in the brain that can lead extra pressure into the brain or heart. An angiogram was scheduled to be performed to get a better look at the brain. Results could be that it can be ruptured, or he can have an aneurysm. Im sure there are many more results but i was already scared. 
that evening i rushed to the hospital to see my bro and i kissed him and hugged him as i saw him laying in the hospital. i couldnt believe that a 14 yr old had to go thru so much. the diabetes was enough to deal with and now this?!!! 
but he did it w swag, if i must say. 
He still had his mellow talk and tried his best to stay strong. 
My job there was to give him as much love as i could, tho he hates me being affectionate w him but i didnt care. i also joked around alot with him to make him laugh. he loved that. i spend the night w him and i didnt mind at all. i love me bro. i also made sure that i prayed w him that night altho my other didnt want to join in w us. i still prayed tho. i was scared to pray but then im glad i did pray anyway. i dont know why i feel so ashamed around them when i shouldnt be. anyways i prayed for my bro and told him to try to sleep. 
i also made sure i told d and j to pray for him. i told d first then j. (thats another story bc i found out later that j was upset that it was hard for me to tell her the fam business yet i told d) anyways i slept that night and the following day was bros surgery. 
an angiogram is seeing the brain more better by running thru a vein from the groin straight up to the brain. that alone is crazy to me. there are surely risks to that as well. and there was a possibility based on the findings fr the angiogram that the doctors would block off the av fistula then. it was all so new and scary to us all. 
we were thrown into all this medical world once again. this time felt more real to me tho. I came to respect these doctors and nurses so much more. they really do take care of us. my pet peeve is when they rush and act all dumb when i ask them qs, but i was blessed to see some spectacular doctors and nurses. they took care of my bro. 
i saw neurosurgeons, anesthesiologist, rounds by docs in the morning, various rns that cared and was nice to my bro and all of us. i am so thankful. 
So before the surgery we met w the neurosurgeon who told us that the ct scans look abnormal and that it could be an av fistula. 
anyways, results fr the angiogram, during which we walked around worried as the surgery went on for an hour or so, but we came back to the recovery room and saw our bro laying and awake. i waved and smiled as i saw him. such a trooper. he was the youngest one in that recovery room. we passed elderly people all layed up on one side. what was he doing here, i thought to myself? idk. I just walked back to him and ofcourse gave him a kiss. 
So the news was that, docs said there is NO av fistula! can u believe that? NONE!!!! God worked a miracle! 
i was ecstatic! what? no av fistula? 
the nurses and docs looked happy too. the funniest part was to see the neurosurgoen pop thru the curtain and say Good News! Everything looks fine! there is no variable malformation of anything. what? omgosh! 
As we walked back to his room, i walked ahead of my mom, who to me didnt see the miracle but went on to worry about what was really causing my bros headaches and dizziness. i walked joyfully and in shock to know that God really performed a miracle here. 
Everyone was sooo set on in being an av fistula fr the ct scans. 
OOooooo!!! God showed off that day! 
he just showed off! thats all i can say. 

false start

mid April and i still havent started. i mark the weeks and tell myself this is the week to start, and then i watch the weeks go by. Im probably 2 weeks late from starting. idk what to say. I have different pains feeling and i dont necessarily use it as an excuse but they do hinder me. there are some days where my lower back hurts so much. there are other days when my ankle hurts fr that sprain. other times its a headache or just my whole body not feeling well. what affects me most is my lower back tho. I dont know what it is. Im thinking its due to a cyst in my right ovary thats affecting my lower back but im not sure. I really dont want that to happen. 
I need to start exercising. i need to start eating right. i know the effects of sugar and eating junk yet im still stuck. i read and read and read and im still here. what else stands in my way? 
do i not know where to work out? yea thats apart of it too. idk what to say. 
I am just here to say that I am still not moving, and im still not eating right. I want to tho. i want to. 

Weridest thing is i have 2 motivators living w me, yet still here i am. my mother has cancer and my little brother has type 1 diabetes. i stare at these two ppl and shake me head in disbelief! i feel it for my brother bc he is so worried when his blood sugar goes down. he is just probably a month into living w diabetes and he is so scared. i watch him inject himself w insulin, count carbs, check his blood sugar, and hold his head as he gets a headache and feel dizzy. i am so sorry for him. idk what to do at times. 
it makes me so thankful for my pancreas but then i feel guilty. all in all im still thankful. 
I look at myself and think that i have it all working, why cant i do better w what i have?!!! idk why we do that. we take things for granted!!!
then my mom has been living w cancer for about 4 years now and yet still we all eat junk as to live in ignorancy! i hate myself for that! idk y i cant live what i believe! after reading all the books i have and knowing all i know, i still dont follow the right way. sometimes it has to do w the fact that i dont have money to buy my own food and im stuck to eating whatever is here. yea that is a problem. it is. 
i think i could still minimize the amount of food i eat tho. lord help me.  my right lower abdomen feels puffy and my lower back hurts! i know you hear me. i know you believe me. i ask you to heal me! 
Heal my mother as you are doing, bc she told me the doctors said that some of her tumors are shrinking and some have gone away. Thank God! i cant even believe it bc she told me that at a school even we went to. it seemed like i didnt have time to celebrate or take it in. but she did say that, right?man! we havent even talked about it. wow. i should talk to her again ab it. 
Does she know i love her? does she think i care? shes always felt like nobody cares ab her. Lord help her to feel loved by her kids. heal her heart bc she doesnt feel loved and appreaciated. God she does so much for the family. She is like a single mom and she gets no credit for it! i see her walk around with her body in pain and she continues to take care of my younger brother and sister. she doesnt stop! she cooks, does laundry, cleans, helps my sister w homework and keeps them up on their school work, and then she has the issues of the older kids on her mind. the older kids dont help her as much. she cusses us out!! i mean cuss!!!! 
she is so overwhelmed and frustrated! 
I see her. I see her. but she doesnt know. 
I see her turn to food as well. every night she takes tea and pours alot of sugar in it. she eats bread and tons of rice. i see her. Tho ive spoken to her about sugar and its relation to cancer, she still eats it. idk what else to tell her. she knows but isnt doing it. We are alike! 
then i think, shouldnt she have more drive to stop than me? she can die fr this, yet she continues as if it doesnt matter.
Now this “good” report has caused her to ignore everything ive said to her. idk whats gonna happen. 

my lil brother is sticking to his carb count and i admire his discipline. he inspires me. my wish for him is that he completely changes his diet around. he needs to eat fruits and vegetables. he hates it right now! he needs to eat it, father! teach Him! Let him change how he eats and reverse all these diseases in him. It all comes fr you. we dont rely on doctors to ease our anxiety, we rely on you. we trust on you. 

God open my eyes and bring me to action fr these ppl that i have as lessons. help me w my procrastination. let me not dishonor them by dishonoring my own body. 

I have seen the effects of food on the body! i see it! ive read it! help me to do it Lord! 
start me off somewhere. idk how to start and im afraid of what others will say and their stupid comments, but help me to do it still. 
Break my bad habits! 

chase the want

i just wanna talk to somebody but i got nobody. i surf the net and fb and got no one to talk to. why is that? why does it feel like such an annoyance when that happens? it gets on my nerves when i get like this! i go searching for someone to talk and get no one. i hate this. i hate the danger that i put myself in as i want this need so bad. its like i cant let it go. and weird enough, amongst all of this my life needs attending to in other areas yet i neglect them and go searching for someone. ahhh! as usual, yes, i need to be calling these loan ppl and be applying to more jobs. i need to be exercising and figuring my life out yet here i am frustrated that i got no one to talk to and no one to love me. why am i so preoccupied w this? why cant i stay steady? right now too, on the forefront of my mind is my lil bro bc he asked me why cant i just stay here and dont go back home? ugh. that gets to my heart so much. i see him wanting me and i dont know how to explain it to him. i wanna be here w him too but does that really work w my life and age? does he consider that? i think he looks at all the fun times we have and he craves that. he loves the love and attention that i give him and he wants me to come back home. ugh. it touches my heart and confuses me more when he acts like this. i love my sweet brother. he is the best brother i could ever have. I am even more proud of him bc of how he got so involved by asking so much questions last night during bible study. he is such a good boy. i love him. i wish he stays like this. i wish that he can love God massively. i wish he allows God to really use him. 
i also wish i was a better example to them,my family. like last night we had a beautiful bible study together and then after as i went to bed, i was there searching for the wrong company. again, what is wrong w me? why do i get better only to turn back to the wrong thing? why am i playing around? damn it! why do i play around? and ive been noticing too that it doesnt interests me like before. it seems like nothing. its like i want the real thing not this cheap stupid thing. yet i reach for it to bring me some high or just to satisfy myself. im really pathetic. im so lost and confused. i want and want and want and cant get satisfied. the chase is endless and will never be like 2010. im constantly trying to replicate 2010 and it doesnt happen. y? y did all that come at once and now its dry as bones? y is my luck like that?i wish one lasted 2 years and then the other another 2 years. why? bc im addicted to love. bc i cant control myself. ow! bad position but this is how it is sometimes. dang. i need to go to church like everyday to get myself in line cus these things are hard as iron.