chill w no movement

we dont wanna do nothing. we wanna sit and chill. i know what its gonna take but i still sit and chill and dont wanna put in the work. for some things I do definitely want to work but for exercise, i feel the dread. aint that funny? For regular work, i’ll work, but for exercise, i won’t. ugh. so sad. but its how im feeling right now. Right now, i see the great bods and see how disciplined they are and how hard they work, but i don’t wanna get up and do all that work. i want the bod but dont wanna put in the work. i complain and say its too hard, i cant do that, ill get tired. and just the whimp complaints, ya know? whimpy complaints. true but whimpy. i dont wanna get up and work out. true but that will mean i would have to accept and settle for what i look like and feel like right now. i know. i need to push beyond this. i know. just sometimes i dont feel like i can stay on the straight and narrow for long. im always getting off the right track but eventually i will have to choose one and stay on one. i need to remember that time is against me. time is against everybody bc u can be in a car accident at any moment. life isnt mine to control but to make better. i dont know when mine will end but if it does now, i would be a failure to myself. i would have impacted some ppl but in my eyes i would feel like i didnt even start yet. i didnt even start yet. i am still here searching around for something to help. still here not starting yet. still here not living great. not achieving prominence as i heard that word fr someone. im here wasting and delaying everything. time is going as im thinking and waiting and whining. while i stay chilled and relaxed, im missing out on great and impactful. i can stay in this stupid lazy state but i wont get nothing new. itll be the same old stuff coming at me and ill still not be able to handle them. its a mess. this stupid stagnation is always on me. i need a damn job and i need my own place and i need to start working out and i need to get back into school to get a degree. damn it man. i just want those basic things. just them basic start outs to life man. im still a stupid bitch that cant get it together. dont know why the odds are against me. i know they will all say, get your life together w God first and then things will work out for you. ok. but what does that mean? does everybody else have their lives right w God ? is that why they succeed and I dont? im sure thats not the case so why do i get these results? my sis dont really go after God like i do, yet shes way ahead of me. what in the hell?! idk. i know its a good thing to go after God but man, idk. i just need these basic things bc im dying here just living off of ppl and not having no money for myself. i am like a leech living off of my roommate and my moms. damn it. i cant get a job and cant get it together. geez i need to. i need to. 
i got so choked up this morning when my roommate told me that i would have to stay over my moms bc she dont got enough money for food. do u believe that shit? as horrible as things can get over here and w the fact that she knows this too, she is telling me to stay here bc she got no food till next wed when she gets her food stamps! what an ass am i?!!!! i felt so bad and i began to feel very sad. sad over my state. I was also shocked that i started tearing up bc of what she said. it wasnt her fault but it was just the fact that it was sad. it was sad of her to be telling me that she cant afford me coming back over there till wed. what kinda shit is that???? what kinda shit am i living in? i am the problem!!! i am the problem! i cant get myself outta this situation but i must!! i need a fucking job to support my 31yr old ASS!!!! why the hell cant i get one??? damn it ! what the hell cant i get a good paying job that doesnt drive me the hell crazy? damn it. and no, i dont want any offers fr my parents. i wanna do this my own damn self bc anything u take fr them, they use it against u. damn nonsense. i need to get it together. damn it. the new year is around the corner again and im still a basket case of mess. but i wanna be better. tho im in so much mess i wanna be better. im so thankful that bible study is today bc i need to be there. i hate this existence that i put myself in. i shoulda been doing better fr 10 years ago but i played around in my hurts and wanting ppls love and attention. stupid girl!! ur such a stupid girl for wanting that! make some drastic changes man. things dont really change till u start cutting things drastically and start changing urself in a drastic way. then ull see huge changes bc the change was so big. change big so u can see the results. i know but its so hard. i dont wanna get outta my little cocoon of comfort and my old ways. i like the old ways and chilling in it. chilling in what? secret porn? eating like your starving? laying around on the computer looking at everyones life on fb and ig? thats what ur doing! u watch everybodies life go on and then get fucking embarrassed when anyone asks u about yours. true. yeah i do that. i sit around and chill and watch tv or read a lil or go on the computer to see whats up. i look around the comp to see if anyone writes me, to look for some chic to talk to, so i can play around w them. yep. thats what i do. i wanna fuck all day. i wanna talk to some one on the same level as i am or even higher and i want them to want to fuck me and give me pleasure. what a sorry ass existence. i disgust myself!!! im disgusted w myself and at the same time i wanna get better. what kinda thing is that? my negativity of myself isnt that high which is very very good. the fact that i wanna get better is a huge turn around from a few weeks ago. After last week mon and tues, after the attempt at 40, ive felt better tho i went back in the garbage to eat. and my minds been better. my hope is stronger. and i wanna be better. 
So lets hope that keeps up. tho here i go right after this, to my dirt bc i wanna get high. i know. stupid. but its a force and i chase this high. i want the high. i want it w someone. i am a fucking madman. dont know how to get out this. maybe if i had my own place and id put on sermons all day. sigh. i think that would work. so am i living like a slob until that happens? idk. idk. im just tryna find a way out and that seems like a great idea. dk. i need God. more of God bc i cant do this. i am mess tryna get myself out of a mess. 


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