chase the want

i just wanna talk to somebody but i got nobody. i surf the net and fb and got no one to talk to. why is that? why does it feel like such an annoyance when that happens? it gets on my nerves when i get like this! i go searching for someone to talk and get no one. i hate this. i hate the danger that i put myself in as i want this need so bad. its like i cant let it go. and weird enough, amongst all of this my life needs attending to in other areas yet i neglect them and go searching for someone. ahhh! as usual, yes, i need to be calling these loan ppl and be applying to more jobs. i need to be exercising and figuring my life out yet here i am frustrated that i got no one to talk to and no one to love me. why am i so preoccupied w this? why cant i stay steady? right now too, on the forefront of my mind is my lil bro bc he asked me why cant i just stay here and dont go back home? ugh. that gets to my heart so much. i see him wanting me and i dont know how to explain it to him. i wanna be here w him too but does that really work w my life and age? does he consider that? i think he looks at all the fun times we have and he craves that. he loves the love and attention that i give him and he wants me to come back home. ugh. it touches my heart and confuses me more when he acts like this. i love my sweet brother. he is the best brother i could ever have. I am even more proud of him bc of how he got so involved by asking so much questions last night during bible study. he is such a good boy. i love him. i wish he stays like this. i wish that he can love God massively. i wish he allows God to really use him. 
i also wish i was a better example to them,my family. like last night we had a beautiful bible study together and then after as i went to bed, i was there searching for the wrong company. again, what is wrong w me? why do i get better only to turn back to the wrong thing? why am i playing around? damn it! why do i play around? and ive been noticing too that it doesnt interests me like before. it seems like nothing. its like i want the real thing not this cheap stupid thing. yet i reach for it to bring me some high or just to satisfy myself. im really pathetic. im so lost and confused. i want and want and want and cant get satisfied. the chase is endless and will never be like 2010. im constantly trying to replicate 2010 and it doesnt happen. y? y did all that come at once and now its dry as bones? y is my luck like that?i wish one lasted 2 years and then the other another 2 years. why? bc im addicted to love. bc i cant control myself. ow! bad position but this is how it is sometimes. dang. i need to go to church like everyday to get myself in line cus these things are hard as iron.